Envy Life

As we being to look forward to the new year, I am struck by two words I'm Exhausted. Having a Kid is no little amount of work. Doing much beyond watching the girl and work isn't happening.

For the new year my goals are to play video games less and work more. On this site, on cleaning, on my house. On just everything that isn't sitting comatose.

One of my plans is to get a users guide written up for my family. This will include how to pay bills, where important accounts are located. Who we use for doctors who our important contacts are and such. I guess it's a will of sorts but also more. Contacts and other information just so its located in one place. Should I die in a car crash I want my girl to be able to talk to some of my friends and have their contact info. Also my wife and I need to know what and how the other does stuff, if one of us was gone.

From then I plan on seeing a financial planner. Money is something I have no clue about and getting it somewhere safe would be smart. I am talking about safe from inflation too. I can have it all in Roleplaying games and Atari cartridges anymore.

And I'm gonna eat salad.

Well that's it have a happy new year folks.

Ready to Roll

I have been hesitant to go into much depth about my gaming obsession, it's sort of like a dirty little secret that people keep well under wraps. I know a lot of people who just won't talk about it until you give them the secret hand shake and in a discreet locale. But In the interest of casting some link onto the subject of "El Diablo" I will come clean. Yes I am a gamer, and a presently active gamer. I didn't put away my toys when I grew up and still buy more.

So there it is, I'll let you chew on that a bit. This is going to be pretty game centric, so you may want to read something else or find a less dwarf loving blog.

Everyone gone yet?

Hello my gaming friends, I would like to thank you for your time. I am concerned with our hobby. I have been looking at the store and have found for all the retro love of crunchy games, producers are just not making very fun products anymore. By this I mean books that would make the fourteen year old me rush into the mall B. Dalton's and thumb through excited as Christmas morning. Where has the "oh cool" gone from the bookshelves? Adolescent joy is now the anathema of the game store.

Please dear reader let us take look over a sample store's shelves.After wandering around a bit, I found a few books tucked under a miniatures cabinet. Initially I thought this some sort of overstock area but the books were sort of new and had limited water damage. Most were 4Th edition Dungeons and Dragons or some sort of White wolf product. The variety was pretty limited and I have to admit I own more gaming books than were on this sad little shelf. Most were uniform and nondescript, and so I left partially growling at the cashier offering me help. A second store later I found myself face to face with actual variety worthy of browsing. Most of the large line products were here, the core rule books were present, they sold dice. OK, In the right place now. Suck it D&J your a joke. Now that I am at a real store it hits me. These games aren't fun, they are for the aged and mature. They have great settings with depth and plot but shit if they ain't any fun. They practically scoff at my younger self. Here the cold realization sets in, I would be a Warcraft player not a gamer if young these days! Back then while I enjoyed shows like the prisoner, I loved military movies and bad scifi. My friend and I bought silly martial arts weapons from flea markets. Tramped around the woulds and acted like fools. A good game would let us embrace and live out the technicolor violence we dreamed.

As I looked around I saw about eight varieties of Call of Cthulu games. This was the old guy game back in my time, you were going after story and a simple system that let you move the plot along with little else here. Gun's didn't win the day, if you saw a monster you had already lost. You weren't gonna bazooka Hastur to the stone age. This was a game I yawned and passed, but now its taking over the store. And may more setting focused games prowl the shelves, subtly reinventing genres and defanging joy.

In the growth of the hobby we are failing those new to it. Sure there is D&D but when there is only one genre of MMO's why would more of that same genre give new players anything other than a familiar starting point. Where are the Torg's or Dark Conspiracies of this day? Even Shadowrun has matured out of the DMZ to some sort of Sunday night story fest for forty-somethings. Perhaps the last bastion of the over the top gamer is Palladium books.

Krampus for Christmas post five

Idunn watched and listened, again from her window, down on the neighbors yard. In the morning the monster began hurrying about a table. she heard Krampus mumbled "it's going to be a warm day", but still the sky was grey. He hurried and worried with a feast fit for several kings and queens, a baron and few veterans to dine.

There was a bird or rather many, Idunn guested twenty but really only thirty. The beast was turning them into a feast, a roast of birds of time gone bye. Krampus would laugh at a turduken, that was only three, he made his ten fold bigger you see. He had an ostrich, an emu, emperor penguin on down the line a pigeon a blue jay with a humming bird finally stuffed it would taste just fine. The sides were corn and potatoes, stuffing, candied yams and cranberries. He had great grandma's chocolate and pumpkin pies. Idunn wondered where he got the recipe, grandma kept a secret card, but the monster's smelled the same cooling on the table in the yard.

Idunn's parents called her it was time to go. On the drive she wondered and and wondered who Krampus cooked for, she wondered and wished she could know. But she saw a long haired man with a guitar hop the fence when she got her coat. One lock of hair was white the rest blandly brown, he dressed like the conductor of a jazz trio. He had some trouble with the fence but Krampus helped him down. Her parents hurried her along but she hoped to be home in time to hear a song.

Krampus for Christmas post 4

Really that's was what Krampus was. A monstrous mascot for Christmas, even though that seems awfully strange. Sure he played Santa's strong arm and was fond of causing bodily harm, but he loved Christmas all the same.

Love that left him feeling out of place even amongst all the fun. To their roaring electric mayhem of music Krampus thought of merry little carols and started to hum. For the candy He thought of cookies and ask the barman for eggnog and rum. His friends had had enough of him when he arranged the skeletons into a nativity and wondered why they asked Krampus to come.

Krampus wondered too, he wasn't a fan of crowd and thought the music a little loud. Soon he was leaving, stealing away into the night. After awhile of being alone he started to feel alright. He was happy for the moon, leading him home all pink and bright.

Krampus for Christmas 3rd post

Others would mark fall, full of it's own joy. And even Krampus would eat candy corn and mark the dates of Krispy Kreme's coming out with pumpkin spice doughnuts, but Christmas was the matter on his mind. Lists to keep up with. Lists of children to beat, children to eat. It was all very important to keep straight. Strand lights to be checked and recheck. Switches needed to be cut. One would be exhausted with worry if not starting very early.

Late in October when much was in hand, Krampus relieved as it was going as planned, he took time to enjoy the autumn. Sea of leave caught in the air, whipping and whirling dancing without care. Lawns left patchwork blanketed, some carefully raked and made nakeded.

And then there was the party,A mad mad monster of a party. Metal's mascot monsters all loved Halloween, and all the monsters from all the albums you've ever seen, all partied on Halloween. Not Man, Vic and Eddie, Voivod and Sargent D , Snaggletooth even Set Abominae. All came to a gala night in the latter of the year.

This is Halloween

I had the pleasure of taking my daughter trick or treating last night. Its a really good experience to take her out and to see all the other people out on the streets. While we were out I noticed there were a lot fewer houses handing out candy than I remember as a kid. Another oddity was those who were giving candy usually had invested real time in decorating. One house I seriously considered giving the guy a time for the over the top decorations.

What I saw that I really loved was the the community coming together in ways that they just don't these days. I have seen a similar community spirit on streets that all do Christmas lights. I don't talk much to my neighbors, I don't have a feeling of street pride. It shouldn't be this way and it wasn't in years past. We should know the people we live next to, and shouldn't have the fear that is stopping kids from enjoying the season.

My friend is a haunter, he mentioned that his kids school won't use the word Halloween. And I know its dick lame when people wont say Christmas or attack us lighters. Usually is some hates everything traditionally western douche saying the drain on power isn't green in my case. I think its the Christian's pissed off about Halloween and people talking crap about Christmas in his.

Look people our nation is falling apart you gotta just drop it. Everyone needs to take a step back and realize your neighbors are the people you are gonna depend on some time in your life. If there is a fire, they are gonna call the fire department for you. If there is a flood you are gonna be shoveling sand bags with them. Build relationships with these people in the ways you can. I light my house for others peoples kids as much as my own. To be a good guest arrive with gifts and go with the flow. Be a good guest while you are here.

Krampus for Christmas part ugh more

What the little girl would see if she could see was the monster, in the garage, searching for boxes. Boxes of lights, boxes of bells. Boxes of garland. All amongst the rafters that were loaded too high. And the monster, we will call him Krampus it was his name, worked with monstrous hands at a string of Christmas lights all wadded up tight.

You see this was no ordinary monster, if there is an ordinary kind, but a Christmas monster and it suited him just fine. Maybe he whipped the wicked and thought bad children were delicious to dine, but he kept the Christmas spirit as they did in olden time. He never knew a humbug or was without cheer, well at least during Christmas time of year.

Even though it was too early, Krampus worried he was late, moving the calendar forward and circled the date. Many days and months, it was a long time away, but still Krampus worried and started working that day. Did I say it was still summer, it was you see. There was still Canadian Thanksgiving and Halloween to go, Veterans day an election, but Krampus thought about getting a tree.

Where does the time go

Be warm with joy as the day grows dark, be sure I'm thinking of you when I shouldnt be. Be kind and firm with our child and remember I would do anything for you both. Don't worry with your work it's only work, I'd help if I could. Be glad for little things, a free road is a wonderful thing. Be sure I'm happy to be home with you, I be there now if i could. Remember the simple days we had nothing but time to be together. Remember I love you

Trust

She cracks like a stone under the load that everyone and I have set her with. Its never been fair but she takes and doesn't complain even when stumbling. I come to help when she lets on there is pain but too often Ill decide not to see. Everyone everything and me are adding weight. I want to cut her free but I'm afraid that would mean getting rid of me and I'm scared. Failing her again and my promises are just words but I'm trying.

All About Us

When I was growing up the bridge over the freeway seemed like a crossing to another land. The shallow drainage creeks held dark passages of danger as they crossed under the highway. It was all secret and unseen or rewritten in my mind to be some sort of wonderful kingdom of forever autumn. All was freedom and even night held little sway. I didn't fear and there was little worry when I was gone late after dark.

But I fear this autumn land is gone and there is nothing for my daughter. I can't let her see streets as I have. There is no map only tales lite with the soft disappointment of her never being able to go.

Most of the time

I'm not drunk with longing that makes the words come easy. I'm not falling with a rush that steals my breath. The stars don't wheel around me or blaze in breaking joy. It's not all joy and wonder, But beyond that to something solid and real. My head is well above water and I see land in sight. It's a city beyond the city that is dreamed of past the edge of site. Memory isn't forgotten, but held precious tight. Perhaps again it will take me if the scarecrow speaks tonight.

Party Hard

Lunch was great today, Octoberfest at Harry's hofbrau. Really it doesnt get much better than sitting in the bar, on one of their wingbacks. I love the cool weather and overcast sky. I dont want to be a food blogger or just talk about random stuff from my day, but a good day is always worth comment.

I hope everyone can find something great about autumn and sing its praises. This is really my time of year, and I hope everyone else can enjoy it like I am.

Take an evening walk or roll down the windows on the drive home. just find something you love and go with it.

Green is the colour of her kind

I'm missing the last of the sun ripple through the trees, at a certain bend of the road. Just past the dam but before the second climb. Where the waters are gone and the woods are thick. It will be ripe with sage smell caught deep in the hills. It's not so far as the stand of houses across the creek or the long road to the radar tower. But I remember and its calling me like an echoing sweet of a day gone. But I remember.

Krampus for Christmas

A little girl watched the monster next door from a window and wondered. He was furry and clawed and had a hoof ,not two, and he was barbecuing in the neighbors backyard. He would be scary with his horns but he sang off key, as the radio played journey. Her Parents had said monsters weren't real, but here one was, grilling hamburgers.

She had watched the monster since her family moved next door. Afraid at first but curious each day a little more. he slept in a little dog house even though he was very big and stuck mostly out. The monster didn't make a mess and was nice to the dog. So the little girl wasn't concerned or astonished, but she knew something didn't seem right. He wasn't big foot or a yeti or even the Iron Maiden mascot Eddie. But he lived next door and none of her friends had a neighbor like him! maybe it?

The Monster was intent on his work and paid no attention to little eyes looking from the window. He just cooked and cooked, some for the dog and some for him but still more burgers than could have been et up by the two of them. While he watched the smoke trail away a dry and crumpled leaf fell from a mulberry tree. This wouldn't have meant anything to anyone any other day. But mattered and the monster muttered and left the hotdogs still cooking, walking away.

One Pill Makes you Larger One Pill Makes you Small

I take a fist full of pills a couple times a day. These are related to my transplant. Just to be informative of what the medicines are like to someone thinking of transplant I am going to talk about them.

Prograf and Cellcept are my immune suppressants. I have a hard time separating the effects of one or the other since I always take them together. I take these so I don't have a rejection of the transplanted kidney. The side effects of these are many. I can have a burning sensation in the tips of my fingers, though this has not happened in a long time. I have shaking of my hands at times. There is also a problem with concentration and I'll be damned if I don't always type homonyms wrong every time.

Prednisone is a steroid that I take for immune Suppression. I fucking hate this med. I makes you eat like a pig and have roid rage. Seriously I have come close to hurting people. I was a serious problem.

That leads me to Celexa which is an uptake inhibitor type med. Basically this is a happy pill. I take it because of the hulking out incidents I mentioned above. This gives me a few seconds before I get into the rage. Basically I am given the choice If I go Viking berzerker.

I also take something to prevent gout. Gout is a very common when you are on the other medicines above. Imagine an evil monster attacking your foot and you get an idea. I only take this when I have to. I won't go into the side effects but it rhymes with serious rectal bleeding.

There are some other meds for blood pressure but I had those before and don't see them as part of the transplant. Oh a weird thing has to happen before going to the dentist, I take a huge dose of ammoxocillin before each visit. Its a precaution so I don't get sick, really no biggy.

Well if you have questions let me know.

Cuts like a Knife

I am trying to be more active these days. Reviving the Blog from its torpor, but getting physically active as well. I think I come alive in the fall a bit. I don't know if its the association with the new starts of school or the weather just fitting my mood. But I am trying to be a marginally better self than I have been.

I hit the weights last night. Just starting really but its something. One thing that bugs me is I don't really know what to do. I started working out at the gym years ago. My friend sort of set up a routing there that took advantage of the machines around. Since I am doing free weights at home now, I am a little lost. I mixed up arms and chest last night, but I really want to have arms, chest and back nights. I have to get cardio in there too, which I hate.

For the writing I am taking a pretty light approach but I am trying to make sure I keep at it. Blogs live or die by post frequency. I just want to make sure I am producing enough actual writing as opposed to this.

Crescentstar Progressive Rock Score Card 5

Wrapped up in Powdered Wool is a line from a Genesis song called Cuckoo Cocoon. This is from The Lamb Lies down on Broadway. Fantastic record The song was definitely working on my introversion at the time. Feeling alone and the world was against me. I was looking for some escape.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBx-zjFHVT8



One of my turns this is the title of a Pink Floyd song from The Wall. Again i was definitely talking about having some dark thoughts and my outbursts at the time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foU3JXCKcBc



Never Let Go is the title of a Camel song. I think this comes from their self titled record in 1973. I don't know if the song really related to my writing at the time so much as I was listening to it a bunch at that time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbqaKyVEFjU



Viscous Battle Raps is a bit of fun really. Not anything that was touching my writing just a fun song and video. The song is from DJ Format's music for the mature B-Boy. I don't even know what a bboy is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbjyG6fvv3c




Build a little Birdhouse in your soul is They might be giants. I think there is something of the song buried in the piece but I don't know if i am against it or not. I like the band i think they are fun. I think that song comes off their Flood record
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAbZzdalZh4



Wither the song i was referring to is from Dream Theater's black clouds and silver linings album. I am getting more at the talking to people thing here trying to let it out, in my writing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBdVCLWluj4




I'd rather trust a country man than a town man, again we have a fragment of a genesis song off The Lamb Lies Down on Broad Way. The song is The Chamber of 32 Doors. I was listening to the song more than making it a big part of the meaning of my post here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcPeWrAAT6I


Jump well that's Van Halen from 1984 you know that. I was probably thinking of jumping of something high and just saying it. You have heard that song a 1000 times so I won't post a link. I actually like Van Hagar better anyway. Sorry i guess that make me a bad person.



Suedehead well that is Morrissey from Viva Hate. I guess i am getting at isolation of not being understood there. I find Morrissey pretty funny actually the Smith's too. I think of it as witty but I think there are people who may want to have heart break in their life to be more like the mans songs, wow that is so much effort.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JenlsnA9-mE



Do you like American Music is of course from the Violent Femmes. I think the record is Why do birds sing, at least that is what wiki says. I only know it from the radio. Its a fun song and I sing along in the car, even though i am not the sort of person who does that normally.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=32508423



Even Spaces is something that I have been listening to from Brian Eno and Robert Fripp. I wish i knew the record it is from. It almost sounds like something missing from my brain, and I am confused why those two guys have it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYvWTx6hQuk


Teen aged Spaceship is from a guy named Smog. Wiki says the record is called Knock Knock. I like the tones of the song and the harmonics more than the lyrics. Under the simple it has a depth that really shines.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JjjJfnAM7E


Getting to hope you like me, well i was just being goofy hear i think this is a kids song or something i really know nothing about it.

Wet Leaves and Smoke

Wet leaves and smoke are all we can see, when we try to pace lost laneways that make up me. If I wait a while to feel it come to place, it seems lost without a trace. If you held me or touched my hand the is not memory in this land. Sleep comes too easy when we only want to speak, i'm hoping for winter as all i feel is bleak. Daring to get closer I want even more.

Getting to hope you like me

I know this sort of forum is generally shouting into the sea. I have been thinking about facebook and the factors of many people using it. And I feel that there is an underlying narcissism that is driving social media. That is why I have tried to remain invisible behind the words. But many bloggers I have talked to have stressed putting something on the line. To develop a connection beyond the passing.

If you are music minded you will notice the titles of my bits are mainly songs or fragments of songs. They are usually less related to the material than they are things I have been listening to around the writing process. Because of this there is usually some sort of link in tone, as I have a difficult time listening to music that doesn't fit my mood.

A bunch of this crap is heavy metal or progressive rock. Sort of my go to listening choices. Post Rock has also been a much of what I listen to these days. I find it dark enough to fall behind my feelings. Well except for that Sigur Ros stuff that sounds likes like a music box and it's too full of tintinnabulation for me. Then you have goofy songs that appeal to me for no real reason than they do. I know Smog doesn't really work out on an Iron Maiden mix tape.

I will do another score card post and list where the music is coming from, so you have an idea of where I am at these days.

When I am not working or with my wife and daughter, I am screwing off on video games. If I could somehow get to all the stuff I dream up and stop just playing video games I would almost be an interesting person. If you want to stop on buy the DDO Khyber server and want to say hi, I am Svegrund. My garage if full of games I mainly collect and seldom play, I don't like that I want to play or should get rid of them.

Well I think that's it for now. Hey if you want to connect blogs let me know. I am going to try to figure out how I can link with my friends war gaming blog.

Teenaged Spaceship

Well i had a coworker who's brother was on dialysis and scared of getting a transplant. I wanted to say something on that and be encouraging of transplantation.

I have had bouts of nephritis since i was eleven, and was having declining kidney function. But it was pneumonia around my birthday in 1998 that killed off my kidneys finally. I was sick but kept going which was bad for someone with my precondition.

The doctors had me do the fistula operation pretty quickly, but I had a wait letting the access mature. This was pretty bad. I had a night where I assumed I was going to die right before dialysis. It was my anniversary actually, I remember we were staying in Monterrey and I was trying to stay up a much as I could while my wife was asleep. I thought that was going to be it if I went to sleep. So i stayed up watching U-Turn, it was heart warming. I passed out sometime after that but woke up eventually. I think i sweated out the toxins that night, I was waking up in pools of sweat all the time then.

They got me on dialysis a couple of days later saying no matter the access I needed to be on dialysis. My first run was pretty good actually I felt way better after it. I was able to work while doing the runs it was almost passing for a life. Then i got changed to a new unit that was a slaughter house. Someone died every month I was on dialysis there, it was pretty crushing. My parents visited me once I think that made up my mom's mind that she wanted to donate.

I forget when we started the transplant process but it seemed to drag on so slow. That was until Oct 2009 then it was like OK we are doing it. They made me get an extra run the day before the transplant and I was in the hospital in three days. It was pretty crazy being on dialysis day to day with no real idea of when the operation is and then bam! your in the hospital.

The night before I was pretty scared there was a bunch of stuff with antibiotics and immune suppressants. Being deloused with some crazy shampoo. Then they took my mom in at some point in the morning, I thanked her and she was out. I remember seeing my wife's family and then they wheeled me to the operating table around 11am. The drugs hit then I don't remember any thing until the next day. I guess the operation was 12-14 hours and wasn't easy. My mom had an extra arterial separation they didn't expect. I don't remember the recovery room just being in my room.

The first day after the transplant was the worst day of my life. I was in so much pain it was crazy. They gave me drugs every four hours and it would drop me for an hour, I would be OK for another hour then i would be in bad pain for two more hours. that was my day. Fuck the pain was beyond belief. I was a wuss before this now I don't even notice when I mess myself up. Seriously I accidentally drilled my finger with a power drill and it didn't hurt much. This day was terrible.

Day two really wasn't great but wasn't terrible. Bad days on dialysis were worse. I was still in pain but it was OK enough and the medicine did its job. I was getting up for walks that they forced me to take. Day three was good, I could get out of bed no problem and was getting around. Day four they gave me a banana! Been awesome since then.

I had to wear sweats for a month, I'm a jeans guy, didn't like that. But Denise would get me breakfast in the morning. Even today its really special when she makes that for me. She helped me so much during my recovery, taking me to the hospital all the time. You have to have your blood tested every day for a while then every other day. Now its a couple of times a year. I have my fistful of meds i take every day but other than that i am just like everyone else.

And that is pretty good considering dialysis.

Even Spaces

You know I am legitimately happy these days and not some blissful contentment that feels alien and hollow. This is real like these just are ok. Its almost Frith in that lift is just going on ok. I am working not too far away, i get to wear jeans everyday. Its the sort of day to day hard work for having enough that everyone deserves.

Do you like American Music?

Hey, I'm Jim, How are you doing? People want personal connection with their blogs these days so I guess I need to open up, which is not something I do very well. But here goes.

I am a guy in my mid to late thirties, I think you can tell music and video games are interests, at least if you have read this mess. I am a software QA engineer in my professional life and have worked all over silicon valley. I recently switched over from contracting to FTE and I am very happy about that. I like where I work much more than PayPal and the commute is way better than Obopay.

I have a daughter who takes up a lot of my time, she is 2 now. You can probably see a lot of posts before the last two years an not very many now, yeah that's her fault. I wasn't sure about having kids before she was born but I love her. If you don't like kids, maybe it will be comforting to her i don't really like them either but I love her.

I have had a kidney transplant and been on dialysis. My view point is very much altered after these events and I am pretty cynical about life. I was before too, just more now. I am happy to talk to people who failed, failing or transplanted kidneys. I am not into talking about it to healthies, you guys can screw off with your working organs.

I don't like to talk about politics, religion or the great pumpkin.

Well that's it for now, i think you can get an idea of who I am and where I am coming from from my writing, but I will try to update more like this.