Green is the colour of her kind

I'm missing the last of the sun ripple through the trees, at a certain bend of the road. Just past the dam but before the second climb. Where the waters are gone and the woods are thick. It will be ripe with sage smell caught deep in the hills. It's not so far as the stand of houses across the creek or the long road to the radar tower. But I remember and its calling me like an echoing sweet of a day gone. But I remember.

Krampus for Christmas

A little girl watched the monster next door from a window and wondered. He was furry and clawed and had a hoof ,not two, and he was barbecuing in the neighbors backyard. He would be scary with his horns but he sang off key, as the radio played journey. Her Parents had said monsters weren't real, but here one was, grilling hamburgers.

She had watched the monster since her family moved next door. Afraid at first but curious each day a little more. he slept in a little dog house even though he was very big and stuck mostly out. The monster didn't make a mess and was nice to the dog. So the little girl wasn't concerned or astonished, but she knew something didn't seem right. He wasn't big foot or a yeti or even the Iron Maiden mascot Eddie. But he lived next door and none of her friends had a neighbor like him! maybe it?

The Monster was intent on his work and paid no attention to little eyes looking from the window. He just cooked and cooked, some for the dog and some for him but still more burgers than could have been et up by the two of them. While he watched the smoke trail away a dry and crumpled leaf fell from a mulberry tree. This wouldn't have meant anything to anyone any other day. But mattered and the monster muttered and left the hotdogs still cooking, walking away.

One Pill Makes you Larger One Pill Makes you Small

I take a fist full of pills a couple times a day. These are related to my transplant. Just to be informative of what the medicines are like to someone thinking of transplant I am going to talk about them.

Prograf and Cellcept are my immune suppressants. I have a hard time separating the effects of one or the other since I always take them together. I take these so I don't have a rejection of the transplanted kidney. The side effects of these are many. I can have a burning sensation in the tips of my fingers, though this has not happened in a long time. I have shaking of my hands at times. There is also a problem with concentration and I'll be damned if I don't always type homonyms wrong every time.

Prednisone is a steroid that I take for immune Suppression. I fucking hate this med. I makes you eat like a pig and have roid rage. Seriously I have come close to hurting people. I was a serious problem.

That leads me to Celexa which is an uptake inhibitor type med. Basically this is a happy pill. I take it because of the hulking out incidents I mentioned above. This gives me a few seconds before I get into the rage. Basically I am given the choice If I go Viking berzerker.

I also take something to prevent gout. Gout is a very common when you are on the other medicines above. Imagine an evil monster attacking your foot and you get an idea. I only take this when I have to. I won't go into the side effects but it rhymes with serious rectal bleeding.

There are some other meds for blood pressure but I had those before and don't see them as part of the transplant. Oh a weird thing has to happen before going to the dentist, I take a huge dose of ammoxocillin before each visit. Its a precaution so I don't get sick, really no biggy.

Well if you have questions let me know.

Cuts like a Knife

I am trying to be more active these days. Reviving the Blog from its torpor, but getting physically active as well. I think I come alive in the fall a bit. I don't know if its the association with the new starts of school or the weather just fitting my mood. But I am trying to be a marginally better self than I have been.

I hit the weights last night. Just starting really but its something. One thing that bugs me is I don't really know what to do. I started working out at the gym years ago. My friend sort of set up a routing there that took advantage of the machines around. Since I am doing free weights at home now, I am a little lost. I mixed up arms and chest last night, but I really want to have arms, chest and back nights. I have to get cardio in there too, which I hate.

For the writing I am taking a pretty light approach but I am trying to make sure I keep at it. Blogs live or die by post frequency. I just want to make sure I am producing enough actual writing as opposed to this.

Crescentstar Progressive Rock Score Card 5

Wrapped up in Powdered Wool is a line from a Genesis song called Cuckoo Cocoon. This is from The Lamb Lies down on Broadway. Fantastic record The song was definitely working on my introversion at the time. Feeling alone and the world was against me. I was looking for some escape.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBx-zjFHVT8



One of my turns this is the title of a Pink Floyd song from The Wall. Again i was definitely talking about having some dark thoughts and my outbursts at the time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foU3JXCKcBc



Never Let Go is the title of a Camel song. I think this comes from their self titled record in 1973. I don't know if the song really related to my writing at the time so much as I was listening to it a bunch at that time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbqaKyVEFjU



Viscous Battle Raps is a bit of fun really. Not anything that was touching my writing just a fun song and video. The song is from DJ Format's music for the mature B-Boy. I don't even know what a bboy is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbjyG6fvv3c




Build a little Birdhouse in your soul is They might be giants. I think there is something of the song buried in the piece but I don't know if i am against it or not. I like the band i think they are fun. I think that song comes off their Flood record
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAbZzdalZh4



Wither the song i was referring to is from Dream Theater's black clouds and silver linings album. I am getting more at the talking to people thing here trying to let it out, in my writing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBdVCLWluj4




I'd rather trust a country man than a town man, again we have a fragment of a genesis song off The Lamb Lies Down on Broad Way. The song is The Chamber of 32 Doors. I was listening to the song more than making it a big part of the meaning of my post here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcPeWrAAT6I


Jump well that's Van Halen from 1984 you know that. I was probably thinking of jumping of something high and just saying it. You have heard that song a 1000 times so I won't post a link. I actually like Van Hagar better anyway. Sorry i guess that make me a bad person.



Suedehead well that is Morrissey from Viva Hate. I guess i am getting at isolation of not being understood there. I find Morrissey pretty funny actually the Smith's too. I think of it as witty but I think there are people who may want to have heart break in their life to be more like the mans songs, wow that is so much effort.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JenlsnA9-mE



Do you like American Music is of course from the Violent Femmes. I think the record is Why do birds sing, at least that is what wiki says. I only know it from the radio. Its a fun song and I sing along in the car, even though i am not the sort of person who does that normally.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=32508423



Even Spaces is something that I have been listening to from Brian Eno and Robert Fripp. I wish i knew the record it is from. It almost sounds like something missing from my brain, and I am confused why those two guys have it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYvWTx6hQuk


Teen aged Spaceship is from a guy named Smog. Wiki says the record is called Knock Knock. I like the tones of the song and the harmonics more than the lyrics. Under the simple it has a depth that really shines.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JjjJfnAM7E


Getting to hope you like me, well i was just being goofy hear i think this is a kids song or something i really know nothing about it.

Wet Leaves and Smoke

Wet leaves and smoke are all we can see, when we try to pace lost laneways that make up me. If I wait a while to feel it come to place, it seems lost without a trace. If you held me or touched my hand the is not memory in this land. Sleep comes too easy when we only want to speak, i'm hoping for winter as all i feel is bleak. Daring to get closer I want even more.

Getting to hope you like me

I know this sort of forum is generally shouting into the sea. I have been thinking about facebook and the factors of many people using it. And I feel that there is an underlying narcissism that is driving social media. That is why I have tried to remain invisible behind the words. But many bloggers I have talked to have stressed putting something on the line. To develop a connection beyond the passing.

If you are music minded you will notice the titles of my bits are mainly songs or fragments of songs. They are usually less related to the material than they are things I have been listening to around the writing process. Because of this there is usually some sort of link in tone, as I have a difficult time listening to music that doesn't fit my mood.

A bunch of this crap is heavy metal or progressive rock. Sort of my go to listening choices. Post Rock has also been a much of what I listen to these days. I find it dark enough to fall behind my feelings. Well except for that Sigur Ros stuff that sounds likes like a music box and it's too full of tintinnabulation for me. Then you have goofy songs that appeal to me for no real reason than they do. I know Smog doesn't really work out on an Iron Maiden mix tape.

I will do another score card post and list where the music is coming from, so you have an idea of where I am at these days.

When I am not working or with my wife and daughter, I am screwing off on video games. If I could somehow get to all the stuff I dream up and stop just playing video games I would almost be an interesting person. If you want to stop on buy the DDO Khyber server and want to say hi, I am Svegrund. My garage if full of games I mainly collect and seldom play, I don't like that I want to play or should get rid of them.

Well I think that's it for now. Hey if you want to connect blogs let me know. I am going to try to figure out how I can link with my friends war gaming blog.

Teenaged Spaceship

Well i had a coworker who's brother was on dialysis and scared of getting a transplant. I wanted to say something on that and be encouraging of transplantation.

I have had bouts of nephritis since i was eleven, and was having declining kidney function. But it was pneumonia around my birthday in 1998 that killed off my kidneys finally. I was sick but kept going which was bad for someone with my precondition.

The doctors had me do the fistula operation pretty quickly, but I had a wait letting the access mature. This was pretty bad. I had a night where I assumed I was going to die right before dialysis. It was my anniversary actually, I remember we were staying in Monterrey and I was trying to stay up a much as I could while my wife was asleep. I thought that was going to be it if I went to sleep. So i stayed up watching U-Turn, it was heart warming. I passed out sometime after that but woke up eventually. I think i sweated out the toxins that night, I was waking up in pools of sweat all the time then.

They got me on dialysis a couple of days later saying no matter the access I needed to be on dialysis. My first run was pretty good actually I felt way better after it. I was able to work while doing the runs it was almost passing for a life. Then i got changed to a new unit that was a slaughter house. Someone died every month I was on dialysis there, it was pretty crushing. My parents visited me once I think that made up my mom's mind that she wanted to donate.

I forget when we started the transplant process but it seemed to drag on so slow. That was until Oct 2009 then it was like OK we are doing it. They made me get an extra run the day before the transplant and I was in the hospital in three days. It was pretty crazy being on dialysis day to day with no real idea of when the operation is and then bam! your in the hospital.

The night before I was pretty scared there was a bunch of stuff with antibiotics and immune suppressants. Being deloused with some crazy shampoo. Then they took my mom in at some point in the morning, I thanked her and she was out. I remember seeing my wife's family and then they wheeled me to the operating table around 11am. The drugs hit then I don't remember any thing until the next day. I guess the operation was 12-14 hours and wasn't easy. My mom had an extra arterial separation they didn't expect. I don't remember the recovery room just being in my room.

The first day after the transplant was the worst day of my life. I was in so much pain it was crazy. They gave me drugs every four hours and it would drop me for an hour, I would be OK for another hour then i would be in bad pain for two more hours. that was my day. Fuck the pain was beyond belief. I was a wuss before this now I don't even notice when I mess myself up. Seriously I accidentally drilled my finger with a power drill and it didn't hurt much. This day was terrible.

Day two really wasn't great but wasn't terrible. Bad days on dialysis were worse. I was still in pain but it was OK enough and the medicine did its job. I was getting up for walks that they forced me to take. Day three was good, I could get out of bed no problem and was getting around. Day four they gave me a banana! Been awesome since then.

I had to wear sweats for a month, I'm a jeans guy, didn't like that. But Denise would get me breakfast in the morning. Even today its really special when she makes that for me. She helped me so much during my recovery, taking me to the hospital all the time. You have to have your blood tested every day for a while then every other day. Now its a couple of times a year. I have my fistful of meds i take every day but other than that i am just like everyone else.

And that is pretty good considering dialysis.

Even Spaces

You know I am legitimately happy these days and not some blissful contentment that feels alien and hollow. This is real like these just are ok. Its almost Frith in that lift is just going on ok. I am working not too far away, i get to wear jeans everyday. Its the sort of day to day hard work for having enough that everyone deserves.

Do you like American Music?

Hey, I'm Jim, How are you doing? People want personal connection with their blogs these days so I guess I need to open up, which is not something I do very well. But here goes.

I am a guy in my mid to late thirties, I think you can tell music and video games are interests, at least if you have read this mess. I am a software QA engineer in my professional life and have worked all over silicon valley. I recently switched over from contracting to FTE and I am very happy about that. I like where I work much more than PayPal and the commute is way better than Obopay.

I have a daughter who takes up a lot of my time, she is 2 now. You can probably see a lot of posts before the last two years an not very many now, yeah that's her fault. I wasn't sure about having kids before she was born but I love her. If you don't like kids, maybe it will be comforting to her i don't really like them either but I love her.

I have had a kidney transplant and been on dialysis. My view point is very much altered after these events and I am pretty cynical about life. I was before too, just more now. I am happy to talk to people who failed, failing or transplanted kidneys. I am not into talking about it to healthies, you guys can screw off with your working organs.

I don't like to talk about politics, religion or the great pumpkin.

Well that's it for now, i think you can get an idea of who I am and where I am coming from from my writing, but I will try to update more like this.

Autumn Project 2

Ok I am no artist, I am just going out on a limb. This is part of my Autumn project which I have invited a few people to join in on. The idea is to do something with the theme of Fall. We started fresh on Thursday September 24th and go until early November. Since it can be of any medium I am trying a medium that I am not a master of, this is also to get people to give it a try that may not have.

Autumn Project 1

Endless summer nights are looking for an end
black winged flights rushing suddenly south
Night is settling softly down
brittle leaves cast off summers crown

Longing songs invoke the harvest breed
Last we spoke you were drowning in your need
first rains fell with your words
looking to the sky its all i heard

lights are burning now falling night
were inturing a summer of delight
all undone im driving on my own
toward the seaside all alone

Death of the Eagle

In the face of all these joys I will transcend today. Beyond the meaningless you imply with meaning I will transcend. Birthed of wings and dreams I will chase over the sea. Upon the land in elegant feline machines steeped in avarice. I will transcend the conquered mountains that lay at my feet. As my blood washes seventeen clean I will transcend.

Suedehead

I dont get it but I am more than people can handle. I start to mention what is going on and everyone tells me to shut up or ignores me. I could hold a gun to my head and I swear everyone would ignore me.

I know i have burned my wife out on this crap. I am trying to find other people to talk to. She has her own stuff going on right now. And I have been like this for years, i dont know if its even fair to her. She has heard it and I have said it to her for so long I am sick of saying it.

I start talking about the failures I have had trying to find a job to my dad and he says Oh stop that crap. Ok fine i guess im used to that from him by now. I just wanted an honest adult conversation and I tried to reach out. I know failure isnt something people want to discuss but its all I have in my pockets right now. I can't talk about my mom about it.

I mention some of my negativity to other people and they just shrug it off. How do i get people to talk about feelings that hurt them. Im just falling down a bit and wonder how I can get back up. What am I doing wrong, what have I done wrong. Am I the person I think I am. Am I any good at stuff, have I tricked myself into thinking I am competent. What is fair for me to hope, look for and expect out of life.

I guess the poetry has left my words, its all too desperate for any eloquence. Im so sickened now

Jump

When I think about the idea that there is a reason for all things... damn I must be pretty useless. Look at this new contract I am working. I just push buttons all day I could think but that just slows the job down. Is there someone here I am supposed to help? I wish they would make their need known, so I can do my part and leap like Scott Bakula.

I dont even get this place, they are paying me pretty well, but anyone could do this. I could have done it in highschool. Now I have a solid QA skill set and a desire to use my mind instead of turning it off. Get a 15 dollar an hour intern its a total win for them.

Give me a reason to be here please...I'm just hoping the next leap will be the one back home

I'd rather trust a country man than a town man

For a moment I felt that familiar bite of melancholy but then it slipped away, leaving me with this nagging contentment. It doesnt feel right at all, at least not on me. I struggle intellectually and in some since authentically, I mean it just feels like someone elses contrived happiness.

It's like I was sent to Fiddlers Green, istead of the Valhalla of Metal where Randy Rhoads ever plays lead with Piggy playing chords even God forgot. Phil and Cliff take turns a Rickenbacker bass. This should be my destined place. With passions poured ever over and enough need to fuel my art.

Instead I have another mans heaven a bright and shining land I have no idea how to walk.

Wither

I have been talking to a few people concerning my feelings of detachment and they say its either a state buddhists constantly try to obtain or my anti crazy med dosage is too high.

I think i am going to have to trust that the dialectic nature of things will bring me back around to myself sometime. But for active pursuit of my normal self i think i have two options. Go off my medications and listen to slayer until im pissed off again. Or two, If i miss motivation I must go through the motions of motivation. Pretend until I am not fronting. Actually now that I think of it Maybe if i denied myself everything I would come to want again.

I am not sure which of those is the best to persue, but the virtues say action is better than inaction.

Build a little Birdhouse in your Soul

Answers are not the desire of the seeker but instead the search. When truth comes without work it is unfulfilling, when it comes after a long journey the traveller is left without purpose. Direction dissolved what are you, being without intent. Moderation in all things even contentment, we are most ourselves with our longing. I do not recognize myself without my desire, will others? I can only assume I will return to me, though this casts away doubt it fills me with more contentment.

Vicious Battle Raps

Day two, Well i am still pleasantly unmotivated, I find myself questioning the motivation behind my need to do things. Many times I am motivated to become someone other than myself. I do not see a point following that course when I am content in self. Why do i seek to fulfill trivial needs and wants? What if I possess these things what would I be? Do i expect company if I own things enjoyable to people? Why call people with things when there are others willing to exchange their company for my own.

Most of what I see is desire to change self and have self affirmed by others. No one can build your self esteem other than you through works. Others can only hurt self if you give them that power. You are your own judge and executioner and attachment to things or other ideas of self only hold you back. Self will take care of its own desires, intellectuals read without desire, the kind give without thinking. There is no need to become something else, you are that or you are not.

Without emotion i miss my motivations. I think of myself moved by things and taking a direction, the is missing and i note it missing. I do not feel guilt or sorrow that it is gone

Never Let Go

I find myself having found a new feeling of detachment that is not unpleasant. I feel lost from my desires, people and place. It is new to be detached without sorrow. To be free from even a hint of need. I wonder how long it will last but I dont know how to live in this state, I say that without worry. It is as if I will eat only out knowing it is needed. It has been only a few hours since have been able to posit this feeling but it isnt unpleasant.