Thursday, August 13, 2009


When I think about the idea that there is a reason for all things... damn I must be pretty useless. Look at this new contract I am working. I just push buttons all day I could think but that just slows the job down. Is there someone here I am supposed to help? I wish they would make their need known, so I can do my part and leap like Scott Bakula.

I dont even get this place, they are paying me pretty well, but anyone could do this. I could have done it in highschool. Now I have a solid QA skill set and a desire to use my mind instead of turning it off. Get a 15 dollar an hour intern its a total win for them.

Give me a reason to be here please...I'm just hoping the next leap will be the one back home

Monday, August 10, 2009

I'd rather trust a country man than a town man

For a moment I felt that familiar bite of melancholy but then it slipped away, leaving me with this nagging contentment. It doesnt feel right at all, at least not on me. I struggle intellectually and in some since authentically, I mean it just feels like someone elses contrived happiness.

It's like I was sent to Fiddlers Green, istead of the Valhalla of Metal where Randy Rhoads ever plays lead with Piggy playing chords even God forgot. Phil and Cliff take turns a Rickenbacker bass. This should be my destined place. With passions poured ever over and enough need to fuel my art.

Instead I have another mans heaven a bright and shining land I have no idea how to walk.

Thursday, August 06, 2009


I have been talking to a few people concerning my feelings of detachment and they say its either a state buddhists constantly try to obtain or my anti crazy med dosage is too high.

I think i am going to have to trust that the dialectic nature of things will bring me back around to myself sometime. But for active pursuit of my normal self i think i have two options. Go off my medications and listen to slayer until im pissed off again. Or two, If i miss motivation I must go through the motions of motivation. Pretend until I am not fronting. Actually now that I think of it Maybe if i denied myself everything I would come to want again.

I am not sure which of those is the best to persue, but the virtues say action is better than inaction.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Build a little Birdhouse in your Soul

Answers are not the desire of the seeker but instead the search. When truth comes without work it is unfulfilling, when it comes after a long journey the traveller is left without purpose. Direction dissolved what are you, being without intent. Moderation in all things even contentment, we are most ourselves with our longing. I do not recognize myself without my desire, will others? I can only assume I will return to me, though this casts away doubt it fills me with more contentment.

Vicious Battle Raps

Day two, Well i am still pleasantly unmotivated, I find myself questioning the motivation behind my need to do things. Many times I am motivated to become someone other than myself. I do not see a point following that course when I am content in self. Why do i seek to fulfill trivial needs and wants? What if I possess these things what would I be? Do i expect company if I own things enjoyable to people? Why call people with things when there are others willing to exchange their company for my own.

Most of what I see is desire to change self and have self affirmed by others. No one can build your self esteem other than you through works. Others can only hurt self if you give them that power. You are your own judge and executioner and attachment to things or other ideas of self only hold you back. Self will take care of its own desires, intellectuals read without desire, the kind give without thinking. There is no need to become something else, you are that or you are not.

Without emotion i miss my motivations. I think of myself moved by things and taking a direction, the is missing and i note it missing. I do not feel guilt or sorrow that it is gone

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Never Let Go

I find myself having found a new feeling of detachment that is not unpleasant. I feel lost from my desires, people and place. It is new to be detached without sorrow. To be free from even a hint of need. I wonder how long it will last but I dont know how to live in this state, I say that without worry. It is as if I will eat only out knowing it is needed. It has been only a few hours since have been able to posit this feeling but it isnt unpleasant.