Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Still Life

Sinks below the water and radiates out of sight
On horizons yielding too pang'd night
Sinking ships turn to beleaguered highways
Which nurse hurts that i need to stay

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Ashes Ashes

Knots in the wood are sliding into water with hands grasping like straw Hours gone turning towards home with rush and a wind and hiss Soon steps are drowning Upon ice that draws in crystal and cold Near shelter burns and cracks all around porters weight Sleighs lined burdened and race with wold and wood around There we will see sunrise and mock

I guess this is very obsure but it comes from a trip to Yosemite around Christmas. Re-Entry was playing while i worked on it.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Early Morning Rain

Choke the birds from the sky
littered in abattior rot
Feather and bone festooned fence lines
though in the sky not

Sheer'd in night drape
weeping lake bridged stone
Burnt and finally broken
quiet yet becoming alone

Gleam on glass prism in breaks
drive with wind still and lace
Lye like linen palsy and shake
Tie with ribbon bleed in place

Drink til violence claims sleep
in widow ears tremors creep

Finally tying up the poetry process. Well i think one thing stands out is the jumps you get when you don't write a poem straight through. It seems all messed up like the ones in the New Yorker, not a compliment. Also you get the modes jumping and shifting abit. I would almost rip this appart and make pieces of it. But i dont really care for it that much to save bits. Its here if i must come back to it.


Bring Me My Arrows of Desire

Meters and leagues that wash in and away with cars to roads that race up high and find sepulcher lens'd nights Amid the furrow cut fog and fruit trees are the sad little cities that want us to stop Down ravening in the vales and delight Finally race summer eves and Christmas lights Biting into morning with wishes for eternal night

Thursday, December 16, 2004

White is the light that shines through the dress that you wore

Goldensward hillsides
sperate from light
Weary eyes whining
shaded foresite

Feral tooth ridgelines
Gnash upon the sky
Halal smalt voilet
to say blue; a lie

This is the unfinished beginning of something. I am trying to work more on meter on this. Keeping it short and to the point is part of the exercise. This actually goes back to a poem that has been brewing for sometime. Maybe exploring it here can give me a direction on it once again. At least i know i am trying to work within a particular frame now. I see it having at least three more stanzas like this. Maybe couplet at the end though not sure, I have always liked finishing in stanza.


Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Poetry Process part the third

Gleam on glass prism in breaks
drive with wind still and lace
Lye like linen palsy and shake
Tie with ribbon bleed in place

This really isn't driven by music or visions more words. I liked the sounds of some of them and they kept jumping to mind. It also is rather obscure which is fine.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Pieces of your Presence Here

Silent on streets drained dark creeping to places we might meet On marrow nights it could be alright And I'm breathing ghosts as I'm stalking Passing prickly clubs we could have haunt Alone hollow steps with stars we may have held close Cigarettes burn long stain fingers then into the car Window down riding tides hoping for connection out of the communication that's built Fighting frequencies for songs that fill the mood Whispers could name it our song Amid the slumber and morning I can't feel anything to feel it slipping away

I guess this is a Colin Hay song mixed with downtown San Jose. I used to run down to the movie place or club on winter nights way back when. I am trying to move away form a narrator that is myself though. Not sure why just feels ok to do so.

Retro Gaming 101 part 3 Retro Consoles

When you are talking about getting old consoles you get into some serious work. The problem is you very seldom can go into a store and just buy what you want. EB Games does have some Nintendo games usually but generally your are picking over crap. What you are left with is prowling thrift stores and the internet. Lets take a closer look at both.

The internet is a fantastic resource for retro gaming. eBay makes it all possible really, you can find most anything you are looking for if you check back enough. Also EB games and other online stores often have exactly what you are looking for. The benefit primarily is fast access to tremendous selection. The problem is these are people who know the older games have a value to the burgeoning retro gamer counter culture, so the ream you. Or on eBay you get sniped or bided up should you find a good deal, Though you usually can get by if you are looking for an Atari 2600 or NES. There were so many produced the market is flooded a bit. Popular systems should run you around 30 with shipping and a few games. One deal of note is the EB Games 15 games for 50 dollars. It is an easy way to get yourself started once you have a system, here is the link:

When it comes to thrift stores and garage sales I am certainly not an expert. I have hit my local Savers from time to time but seldom found much worth my time. A buddy is a big garage sale shopper and his tips are get out early like 6am and hit as many as you can. Don't get attached to one thing, so if your after NES games and you see a great deal on Genesis at least consider it. HAGGLE. Generally i wouldn't buy anything for more than half the net price, unless it was ultra rare. Remember the people selling on the internet are often buying from Goodwill and garage sales.

Ok when it comes to systems I personally feel the Atari 2600, NES and Sega Genesis are must haves that make up the core of a collection. But certainly concentrate on the system you enjoyed most, go odyessey2 if that's what you had. I kept all my Atari stuff from way back so that is my most solid system, my NES collection is poor at best. I recommend those systems as they were well supported with games and accessories. Also being popular many were made and lots are still out there. Finally classic games which are still inspirational to the industry were created on these systems. If your plan is to get all the old systems then you are going to be spending some money, Fairchild systems sell well above 50 bucks on eBay. I am close to being on this path myself but I don't want my wife to kill me. I would recommend everyone to check out the console museum on Classic Gaming to get an idea of just a few of the systems out there:

Next time I will take a look at emulation

Crescent Star Rock Score Card

Play at home it's fun!

Bright Ambassadors of morning: A line in the Pink Floyd song Echoes on the Meddle Record.
Deep Puddle Dynamics: A group that has a song called The Scarecrow Speaks, Anticon label.
Call Few People enemies, Call fewer friends: A line from The Scarecrow speaks.
Goodbye to romance: Ozzy song off Blizzard of Oz.
Bacchus Plateu: My farvortie Rush song part of Lamneth off Caress of steel.
Curse of Desdemona: Grant Lee Phillips song off Virginia Creeper.
Upon the insturments of death: A line in King Krimson's Epitaph on in the court of the crimson king.
August and Everything After: Counting Crows record.
We sold our souls for rock n Roll: Black Sabbath record.
Toepnikcufecin: An allusion to the metal band Anthrax.
Aboutface - Murder: David Gilmor song off aboutface.
Here comes the Flood: Peter gabriel song off energy i think.
A 60 ton Angel falls to the Earth: Line in a Porcupine tree song Trains off in abstenia.
So Far Away: David Gilmour song off David Gilmour.
Time Stand Still: A Rush song off hold your fire.
Piece of Mind: An awesome Iron Maiden record.
1,2, Free Four: Pink floyd song called Free Four on the Obscured by clouds record.
Alms: A Grails song on Redlight.
High time Cymbaline: Pink Floyd song off More.
New Lystra: A Grails song on Redlight again.
Amoung the Living: The Anthrax record.
Cymbaline: Again im such a hack.
Tales of Brave Ulysses: Cream song.
Peace on Earth Sells: A Megadeth record.
Revelations track two: The is an iron maiden song on Piece of mind.
Burnt Offerings: A Testament song on the Legacy record.
No Birds Caught: Goes back to anticon with DoseOne Bird Catchers Anthem.
Love and hope put to the test: Bruce dickinson song only on his extended greatest hits.
Quicksilver: A Pink floyd song off More.
Wicker Man: I am specifically talking about the bruce dickinson solo version not the iron maiden

Well that will hopefully de mystify things a touch.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Wicker Man

Steps took with rite ritual pace
Stones crumble and chalk once life imbued
Apprehensions rushing with wind on my face
Gaul and gold proceeds the gate

Bled on borrowed throne wrought repose
From Beacon hills wicker flames broke
Calling those to reap wishes sown
yielding only sorrow as I spoke

I have been trying to look at what i do when i right to help people along. I'm not saying this shit is any good, just saying it's here and this is how i got it here. Anyway, abstraction is my tool. As you can guess by the titles there is a lot of music in it. Also many places that I have build up with some emotional connection. I sort of try to boil them down to as few words as I can and then stick them together. The sounds in my mind are often more important than the meanings im thinking about. From there i sort of work it until they pieces sort of fit. A Maiden song with a Sierra road by my high school and stuff like that. A bunch of it is fragments that i stick together. This one was Bruce dickinson's Wicker Man, not Iron Maiden's, and acoustic song. The place was the little statue garden in Villa Montalvo.


Friday, December 10, 2004

Retro Gaming 101 part 2 "Modern Consoles"

Game compilations are nothing new especially those that bundle up a few old games into a new package. Usually this was something you would see for early games release in the life of a particular system or ports to the PC. Recently retro game packages hit, bundling old arcade perfect ports to home game systems. This has created a renaissance for retro gaming. Below is a guide to some of the modern titles.

Personally I feel Midway arcade treasures is the best package to come out to date, with Midway arcade treasures 2 a strong second. They offer around 20 old school games for about 20 dollars; which I see as an amazing deal. The games range from early 80's to mid 90's which allows for a fun trip down memory lane. By these NOW!!!

For old school console games I would look at Intellivsion lives and the Atari Anthology. These offer TONS of games for a bargain price. Intellivision even includes histories and documentaries; a first rate product for game historians. Atari offers both arcade and cartridge ports for a total of 85 games. Finally Playstation owners can also grab the activision anthology of atari 2600 games, this package looks to offer all the activision and some of the imagic games. There is actually a PC version with more Imagic and some homebrew games.

Nintendo and Genesis era gamers will enjoy the Sonic Mega plus and Megaman anniversary collections. These offer a histories of the venerable game lines that equal hours of play. My fellow Xbox owners can look for the Megaman game in March. Konami has gone a unusual route and offered a collection of 5 nes ports only to the PC. I hope we will be seeing something like this hit the consoles soon but it will need to include a few more games to be of significant value.

Finally I am left with Namco Museum. Good I hate this thing, it shows up everywhere, it is the grand father of console retro gaming. It has few games and all from the early years of arcades. It just isn't worth the money unless you see it cheap. I could recommend it if they had included just two more games. Of not for Playstation owners, this was something of a line on the PS 1 and there were something like six versions. With a little digging and maybe some eBay you could grab the PS1 versions of the games.

Game Xbox PS2 Game cube
---- ---- --- ---------
Midway 1 Yes yes yes
Midway 2 Yes yes yes
Intellivsion Yes Yes Yes
Atari Yes Yes No
Activision No Yes No
Sonic Yes Yes Yes
Megaman Mar 05 Yes Yes

Next I will take a look at some of the costs and pains of tracking down old school consoles. Also I will take a look at emulators, Jamma and Ultracade.

Thursday, December 09, 2004


Walking stones rise as bones on ridgelines arched against the canopied blue Sunlight blind here shadowed down the eyes as she steps lined with light Shadowed hazy burnt with golds and woods Oaken vantage point on high circling in the sky Maybe she loved me perhaps just here

Ok ok, it's full on Green is the Colour. With some of the sights near the mercury mines near my home.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Love and hope put to the test

She whispered away the terror when the neddle bit the skin Her eyes raced with the bleeding down the line and surge of the return Chemicals in the mix I taste the swine In measures my arm shakes when giving out After hours its grown cold and static blurs the edge of sight But it ends and in time was gone


Tuesday, December 07, 2004

No birds caught

Through the sawdust streets of the shattered glass steppes the fog is hanging low Whispering amid the wanting stones Here the houses glow on holiday eves Clasp with family an only a wash with vain though through distance and fog it begins to wan Closing my eyes the panic bites and shake like a dog Holding on hard cus im afraid to let go Afraid to see the last whispers serpent away Afraid for the day the dreams all forgot


Monday, December 06, 2004

Retro gaming 101 "TV Games"

I came to retro gaming through my pack rat tendencies rather than a conscious choice, but I wanted to work up something to get people started. Retro gaming has hit its stride recently, which makes the proposition much easier to start. The first question you will need to ask is how into this am I, or how much time and money am i willing to put in? I will be breaking down my guide into three broad groups. The TV gamer, The modern system owner and finally the old school collector.

Tv games are an interesting development of the past couple of years. Basically they are a self contained non-expandable gaming system. They are something like the old Pong boxes which played a defined set of games but use modern 3 plug tv connectors. All you need is a modern TV, 20 bucks and batteries and your up and playing. There are several of these on the market and I want to steer you to the best.

I personally only dip into this category of games when there is something I can't get else where. The Konami Collector's series is on my Christmas wish list and i own the Sega controller. Otherwise i say go with Atari carts off eBay. If you are interested I would say start with the Atari and Activision games. They have classic games and are easy to find. I recommend the 2 controller version of the paddle game, as those are usually games played head to head. I would pick and choose form there the games you used to play. Also if you are looking for a Nintendo Entertainment System one, i have seen something at a kiosk in the mall that i couldn't find a link for. Also there is another Sega Arcade legend game coming in January so be on the look out

hre is the list!

Atari classics 10 in 1 TV Games:
Activision 10 in 1 TV:
Atari 2-Player Paddle Controller with 13 Games (GET THE TWO CONTROLLER VERSION THESE ARE TWO PLAYER GAMES):
Konami Collector's Series: Arcade Advanced:
Namco II: Ms Pac-Man with 5 TV Games:
Sega Genesis Arcade Legends Plug N Play:*
Space Invaders Arcade Legends Plug N Play:

That's it for now look back soon for more info.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Burnt Offerings

Take the moments before the sun drips into the west and trees burn golden in shallowed light On open fields congealed frozen plains stalking as ghosts of winter Happiness comes in bitter colors on these frayed ends of the year I had dreams of saving her from the dark things behind the sun A boy dreams such simple connections of love and debt But she was the one mending me and I didn't know what to do with the way that felt


Thursday, December 02, 2004

Revelations track2

Throught the smoke beginning to cough where pitch burns skin Never whispers shadows into flame Gather on greens how once they held delight With leagues the sky alite caverns of night Terrible and wonderful where sorrow known Accord and misery now felt whispers from flame

Poetry Process 2

Sheer'd in night drape
weeping lake bridged stone
Burnt and finally broken
quiet yet becoming alone

I am starting to see this as Breaking Bridges which i guess is what im getting at here. But i feel like i am meaning the bridges of memory and hang ups. Moving on to something less effected, healing maybe


Monday, November 22, 2004

Peace on Earth Sells but who's buying

Man christmas is getting down. I don't want to be the only person who can take a wonderful time like christmas and turn it into a problem, but! Man I dont know what to get people, who really have everything. My parents where hard pressed to come up with any ideas. A few of us did that wish list thing but everyone else acts like it would be wrong to make a list. "I have so much already." Ok can I just give some cash to someone, and not have your feelings hurt when you don't have anything to open. Well we both know it's no, so just give me a fucking list.

Don't think this is one of those preachy give your money to charity episodes. I have worked at second harvest food bank and helped out. I guess I was trying to be a better person or something stupid. After I lost my kidneys the world started seeming constructed of random cruelty mixed with some structured kindness. I'm trying not to think that way, im sort of a bastard in person because of it. It's best to ignore me.

Any way It's like I'm running into the realities of christmas. Someone fucked it up along the road. Halmark, Coke, Disney! Maybe it was growing up, maybe its life. The time it takes to make christmas work leaves no time for enjoying christmas. No getting up the lights. No watching the christmas tree at night. I can remember just looking at the way all the strands of lights blinked in chaos and the patterns they made through the pine needles on the ceiling. I can remember going to see all the lights in around town. Now its rushing around and pressuring people for gift ideas.


Friday, November 19, 2004

poety process

Choke the birds from the sky
littered in abattior rot
Feather and bone festooned fence lines
though in the sky not

This bit im thinking about a road i drove on today that used to have a slaughter house on it. Also some freaky sculpture done out of animal bones.

Im looking for something to go into now but i dont feel anything nor do i have any images in my head. Perhaps a barn on some lonely rainy day. Decaying into the ground. Maybe on Marsh road in milpitas or something I will have to think about it a bit.


Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Tales of Brave Ulysses

Shatter the window with hail and gail stalking outside Mired in deeps untold drowning void Calling though the maelstorm though the words drown from my lips Dwale drunk and fluid coughing as the embers slip away Pavement crack shards under waters weight And Its finally beginning to take shape And all the communication seems to wash away Foundations soon soaked and break Day whispers on the hillsides but what it holds I'm beginning to fear Denote, revile and hope smeared with an inner doubt Bleeding out the silvered sky


Thursday, November 11, 2004

Donnie Darko / Strange Brew

This week i am going to take a look at a couple of movies i indeed own, so the reviews will be decidedly positive. This weeks its Donnie Darko and Strange Brew. Certainly different sorts of films but not so off.

I remember seeing a picture from Donnie Dark on and thinking hey i want to see that. Well kidney failure and transplant later i found it at BlockBuster soon after hitting DVD. My wife and I watch the film and just sat a while talking about it. Which is always a good sign because most of the time i go that was crap or something. I like a lot of whats going on in the movie, the pseudo science, the sound track factoring into jokes. Ill describe it as a horror thriller until all you spoiler free people stop reading. Just skip down to the Strange Brew part. Ok so really its a scifi love story. Donnie creates a pocket reality where a giant satanic bunny rabbit helps him get the girl and then to finish off the causality trap kill the person in the bunny suit so that he can become his advisor. A little confusing but totally worth a watch.

Strange Brew

I have always loved Canada, and im not sure why. Perhaps i am attracted just to North in a Glenn Gould sort of way. I like the bleekness and the harshness you see on cars or what not. I like the way time seem to not change things so much. Things seem fixed and immune to change of facade but maybe thats just my video. Like watching the model of Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood, those models never change. Strange brew is sort of a time capsule for 82 Toronto which i love. The story is both moronic and inspired at the same time, it is actually hamlet though few people know that. The jokes are often over the top and terribly stupid but they are delivered with the perfect touch that its hard not to love the movie. To even go into the plot is pointless its a movie of moments. But its got Beer, Doughnuts and toronto skunks what is not to love.

Friday, November 05, 2004

3d6 to large creatures

Another Thursday another game. Thats right after far too long a game came together. The chips were down but we pulled it off. My books and module were shanghai'd with my car, by a visiting relative. I had to buy a PDF off to play!

Little actually happened, our wayward fighter finally bowed out. Sort of for the best really. The party found a cache of items, totally Monty Hall old school games. I'm running the U3 final enemy which is certainly old school. They found some of it was water breathing stuff and made there way back to town for payment. They wanted more money to help but the town basically said they bled them dry and are off to war.

I guess they have the option of doing a last run into the stronghold or moving on. How they proceed will effect what happens pretty directly at the start of the next game night.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Slacker / Van Helsing

I got a chance to watch a couple of movies this weekend and figured here would be a good start for a series of movie reviews. I watch movies a bit and have had this idea running around my head for a awhile. I check out a bit and I am certainly not that sort of movie fan. I don't get excited about everything I see, gosh that Harry dude lists his video picks and it looks like every movie coming out. I rarely find more than a couple of DVD's a season. I guess I'm not a person who loves movies but rather a person who loves the movies I love.

Anyway I rented Van Hellsing and Slacker from the video store. Neither was a purchase nor do i feel a need to run out and buy either.

Lets start with Van Hellsing, I hated this fucking piece of crap. It was one of those non movies that Will Smith constantly comes out with. You know you see it and you don't really remember it 10 minutes later so you can watch it over and over. These turds usually have a bunch of goofy scenes and subplots that lead no where. I think this is to confuse your brain into instantly forgetting the film. Here the plot was sort of lame and then there was a useless thing about Van Hellsing being the arch angel Gabriel, WTF! The effects were terrible and just looked shitty. Mr. Hyde looked like a DIC cartoon.., Yeah like "you cant stop the littles cuz the littles don't stop"! Bomble from Rudolphs shiny new year looked better. What the hell David Wenham was doing in this after Lord of the Rings is beyond me. Stay the hell away from this!

Slacker was better but not great. I think there was a time in my life that I would have loved slacker and if those events had played out I would still like this movie. But my friends that remind me of characters in the movie have moved on. Im left somewhat nostalgic but mostly sad for the people in the film. It could be that I saw it at 30, but really I think its where I live. Idle youth just doesn't work here in the silicon valley where you have to work 60 hours a week to make rent. Anyway the film not having a plot wasn't to much of a problem for me, though i could see it being for other people. It sort of drifts from character to character moving exponentially into the cosmos and perhaps back in time. I say back in time because the last scene seemed like a 60's era home movie. I liked the parts that seemed more staged and had some comedy like the old lady getting hit or I should have stay at the bus station bit. As it moved I either saw something of my own pretensions in the peoples speeches or saw people that I recognized and didn't like. Their is a fellow who convinces some girls to go to a show with him claiming he has passes but actually didn't; he bugged the hell out of me. Maybe that's from my metal days, straight forward task execution mindedness. The guy seems too manipulative to me. I can see how people have liked the film though. I'm living in the reality where I rented Hal Hartleys Trust maybe elsewhere this is a universe where i rented Slacker and am waiting to buy Before Sunrise on DVD.

Until Later


Sunday, October 31, 2004


The side streets there to hide Cut away the contacts and communication She isn't around nor touched this place for years But i find it needing if together only dreamt Broken stone builds ravens closing in Double helix shadows stood now forgot Flooded ward dancing sunlight on wind driven waves Here the windows are broken where once she looked out Final cut phone rings The voice is whispering down the line Feeding into the daydream good to hear the scarecrow is doing fine

I sort of put myself into a mood and place and started going from there. I was thinking about an area of California Street in palo alto which is where the double helix shadow is. From there I had obviously Cymbaline in my head, I sort of though to the songs rhythm, off More. Thank you Pink Floyd! Through a couple degrees of seperation i jumped to Kubrik my friend Derek Tarkoffsky and finally Stalker. I was specifically thinking of the flooded hospital/clinic where the trio rested. Also that seen where the phone rings while they are in the zone sort of out of no where. Back to a floyd song and Scarecrow touch. Well that is a little insight into it.

Happy Hallows

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Pillow of Winds

Hailing the west mountain with shallow and stretching light Over the fumes and corning ware chemical bath Through windows that lament the days drowning outside lightly slapped shaking by multitudes of flags Fields too far resign and yeild gold or rust at seasons march Down the valley clouds begin to keep and winds to shriek Forgotten orchards still would reap yet see how the plows are overgrow and rot Where stalks upon dreamt shores autum golems with tiny epiphany wrought

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Amoung the Living

I dont know if its the time of year, the change of colors, but it feels time for a change. I'm wasting my time on quit a bit of crap and it has to stop. I have spent my life as a traveller trying to stay way from bonds and responsiblity. Playing Bards Tale 3 and watching Night Court. This is what i guess for living a life never pushed, never driven.

But you dont get wise with the sleep still in your eyes I hear so I better get going. I am going to be working on a couple of larger format things for you and perhaps getting an FTP set up so i can distribute other media. Hopefully you will start seeing the first serialized story hitting by in a couple of days. Also I am going to be working on putting more of my late night drives into words and pictures.

Until later

Monday, October 18, 2004

New Lystra

Heading toward dark through old burnt orchards Cold and clarity came with the rains Now it's lifting some girl sings about big skies though through windows just black Heavy drops sometimes bleed down the window It's all memory driving home Wishing myself someone better Into days already said Near sleep she's feeling something is wrong I'm just quiet waiting for the scarecrow to speak

Thursday, October 07, 2004


Its been awhile, I feel like I have fallen off the wagon and am climbing back on. Happy to be getting back off the ground but ashamed of the fall. I've been wandering for a few weeks and not finding much in my schemes. Looking at work its falling apart, I don't care so much and I'm not on top of things. Contentment turns sour some days and you taste the bile in regret.

Some things just are not making me happy these days; I dont understand it. I used to love certain things now I am forgetting about them completely when I have people waiting for me. Some call that depression but its feels like a change. I want something from my time, something to say hey cool i did this. Not a high level Everquest character who is a grand master smith. Even if its just a shabby little poem to post here; after all im just a shabby little poet.

I want to watch the clouds race across the face of the moon on an early october night, at least that is a memory.

I hope to be able to say I will post more regularly, but no promises just work.


P.s. listening to the new Grails CD, Redlight, and its awesome go buy it!

Monday, September 20, 2004

1, 2, Free Four

Sorry folks

I think i have writers block or something. Just sort of have my mind else where and i can't seem to find a voice. i have a cold i think which doesn't help much for wanting to work. I'm going to try and get some sleep this week and see how i feel. Hopefully get something up on Friday.

I did make it to the book store over the weekend and found a copy of Being and Time which was cool. i also grabbed a book of Moliere's plays, guess i was inspired by The Unbelievable Truth. i wanted something with good dialog, something i am terrible at. i have my self depricating voice as the all knowing 3rd person writer insulting myself the character but thats it. One trick pony.

Well i should get back to work and listening to Chris de Burgh. No not that lady in red crap! Don't pay the ferryman Homes.

Happy Fall

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Hold on to the Ancient Dreams

It's Thursday again but no game. Real lives and gaming don't mix very well some weeks, we'll you've all seen Mazes and Monsters so I’m preaching to the choir. I figure I will tell you a story, tell you a legend, tell you of days of yore. Back in the days of stirruped stretch pants and 8 bit video games I was a D&D playing dork, little changes with age. Saturday nights between Headbangers Ball and late night Taco Bravo runs we gamed. I know you are probably expecting a room full of scrawny gimps that would be turned away at a blood bank for not hitting the 110 pound requirement, not the case. This was the late 80's Iron Maiden had made swords kewl and all the rockers were gaming.

Our DM was an enigma. I've never know anyone like him, yet everyone who games knows someone just like him! We are all perplexed maybe he just really gets around. Anyway Brian was the little guy with glasses and a denim jacket covered in metal band patches. I aint talking Cinderella or Trixter either; we are talking Venom, Exodus, Coroner! This guy had more D&D crap than you have seen; think you had more Bzzzt WRONG JACK! This guy had seven feet stacked up in one corner. Judges guild, All the Worlds Monsters 1-3, Alexander Van Thorne he had it all. First / Second edition he didn't care.

That was how we played first edition monks next to 2nd. ed rangers and some crazy terramancers he photo copied off some dude at Pacificon. It was insane and my friends made it worse, half of them were burnt during the game. One guy either way didn’t make much difference, you said the title of any heavy metal song though, and he would tell you the name of the record. Just randomly "We must stome the conjuering of the demon queen." "Hey The Conjuering thats a Megadeth song!" Once we had over fifteen people playing, it took four and a half hours for us to go round the table three times and kill a dragon. Half the time we would walk down to the Bon Faire on Capitol and waste another hour there. I guess I understand the looks the clerks would give us back then. A bunch of skuzzy looking kids wandering through the store showing up all at once.

I would catch a ride back home in the back of my friend’s truck which wasn’t too fun in the middle of the night around December. At least he usually had a blanket. My parents were usually waiting up and pissed off at me when I got home. My Mom had called the hospitals, blah blah. I would be in trouble a while, usually ok by the next weekend. I think Adam Curry comes on at nine and Testament is with him this week.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Plan A

You ever cruise around the mall in a car that probably should have been junked years ago? You know the kind where your friend wired in some house speakers he got at a garage sale, but he really didn’t know much about wiring so every so often it sparks up and catches fire? Old math books, Burger King trash bags and Dungeons and Dragons modules slowly decaying in the hatch back trunk? Maybe you just heard some strange heavy metal music blasting incredibly loud and distorted from a red ford fiesta that seemed to be circling the parking lot? Fond memories of a misspent youth, or perhaps "memories are faded but there are really coming back."

In those days i was flipping burgers at Mc Donald's in Oakridge mall, sucked but was a pay check. Actually in retrospect it was pretty fun, I was working with a friend, hardly putting in any hours and I had a crush on a girl there. I would run by the Game Keeper before shifts or the B Dalton. Buy some goofy philosophy book and read it in the break room to try to impress said girl from sentence two. As if reading "Being and Nothingness" impresses anyone. If your smart you would run away screaming from anyone reading that, or give them a relentless beating in hope that their next incarnation will be better. If you believe in that crap, I don't "I was born a snake handler I'll die a snake handler."

Come payday I would run down to Southgate liquors and cash out my fifty bucks; using a liquor store as a bank fuck I was doing awesome back then. Then I would run down to Streetlight records cus used vinyl was pretty much all fifty bucks buys. Sad when tapes are out of your budget. Anyway I had a pretty bad taco bell habit back then, sometimes like twice in a day. Video games was another problem for me, I was freebasing contra and double dragon at the end.

There was a crew of three of us that would do Taco Bell and keystone arcade a couple of times a week. We called it plan A, which is bad when you have a code name for taco bell and video games. We would meet over in keystone parking lot and had our own parking spots since everything was closed by then. Then we would go in through the old black light back entrance to our geek opium den, 25 cents a fix. I loved that old place it was crowded and dark the way an arcade should be, like that one episode of Buster and Me. No not the one where buster liked Jacko and his friend liked Boy George, the arcade one. I would love to see that episode again. Then we would blow the rest of our cash at taco bell on Blossom Hill and sit out side until it closed. Talking film and music and bullshit too.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Piece of Mind

Its Choking hot still after dark Up riding pass midnight with the ac running full Its one of those nights where you can find some people wandering about Old couples with their dogs by sprinklers Vagrant kids near schools and parks Listless souls haunting the 7-11 down on landess The weather is making me sick and im waiting on fall Sometime near 2 its cool enough for the windows Jaspers got his head out the window panting as we are riding up Calaveras Maybe we'll head up Meridian out to Calero and find my way home Around Camden Jas is barking Again as we see the water Catherine Parr is playing on the radio as Im hearing the words whisper through

Friday, September 03, 2004

I've got a keyboard +5 and a cloak of blogging

Another Thursday and another game. It used to be the weekends in my parents garage, boiling in the summer freezing in the winter. It was great then though. Brian behind the DM screen with his manajery of creatures thrown together. Us ready to kill mosters and get goodies. A real hack n' slash dungeon crawl for the ages.

These days i am running some of the old school modules myself. U3 to be exact! The party has just gotten started on the module. They were attacked by a huge octopus while sailing to their destination, in accordance to the setup. Now they have been scouting out a Sahuagin fortress. They scouted around and found only one entrance now they are waiting for the, stupid game mechanics to present the druid with new spells in the morning. I guess they are going to try and break in, our next gaming scession. So it really ended up with not much happening. We need a little more utility in my little party i think.

Sort of works out really. The next expansion for those D&D mins will have a Sahaugin ranger in it and maybe i can buy some off ebay before the end of the module. Shoot maybe the players can too wink wink.

Well that is it for now

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Time Stand Still

Buying records is a bit too intimate an experience for me, anyone ever get this feeling? That moment where the cashier rings up the purchase and paws over my stuff, I feel like I'm being judged. When i come up wearing my leather jacket and and headstrong attitude, I feel like the cashier is saying bullshit as he looks at my Counting Crows CD. Yep I like em, I have all their records, I see you are shocked but it gets worse. I have some kix and Jonatha Brooke too! The Maiden isnt just a front, but sometimes maybe it is. I've been listening to classical lately, Derek's to blaim, some days I can't face Reign in Blood. Does that mean im old?

A year or two ago I got an "excellecent selection", when picking up "Heaven and Hell", from the cashier at Rasputin. So I know they are looking. This weekend ran in and bought some sure light weight stuff. I had to buy a Celtic Frost bumper sticker to not feel like an old man. I know they are like 20 years old but at least they have some rebellion in them. Well except for that time they sold out on Cold Lake. Man I'm grasping desperately at youth I think that does mean im old.

Well back to listening to Brain Salad Surgery and Dave Gilmour

So Far Away

Take away the elevation and air Dream snow kissed fields at the end of November She is talking live My breath fogs' ghosts here outside Wandering the farms wooden decay Wings break from trees with approach and I'm wishing I could too They are laughing inside I'm feeling worse Oak warms the hills and I'm finding my way From moss and stone im looking out Wanting her and I to be alone where its better Locked up with me But thats just helping me Counting out what seems too long I'm heading back in Trying to smile and be alright Trying to want for her As the Scarecrow speaks

Monday, August 30, 2004

A 60 ton Angel falls to the earth

Came down Sierra
In marshlands to rest
holding on hillsides
In crematory Ashe

Nearly missed midnights
Stars tearing light
Drowning cold friendships
On rivers edge nights

Whisper of murder
Remind me of old debts
I can't now repay
And friends gone away

I kind of wrote this very quickly while at work. I am not really happy with the results so maybe I can use this as a work in progress. I was thinking of a couple of people I knew who were murdered and then sort of drifted over to the Rivers Edge murder case which happened where I used to live in Berryessa. I may take that bit out and focus elsewhere. Also that debts business needs to go.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Here comes the Flood

sorry for not posting. Writers block i guess. I have been doing other stuff guitar, video games stuff like that. I don't know though I write a bunch at work while I should be working on stuff. Maybe I need to take something in to get writing again. I remember a teacher saying you can't write in a vacuum which is true, though life is on going. Who knows maybe it really isnt when the days don't feel very different.

I have been trying to get better at my little guitar which is something. I have been trying to figure out this Trains song by a group called The Porcupine Tree. It's really quite good sort of Catherine Wheel and RadioHead channeling Gabriel era Genesis. That and a David Gilmor song called Murder. I would like to learn that Southern Cross song too but I can never find full tab for it, just chords. Please send it if you got it.

As for video games I do too much of that stuff. I am playing too much Everquest these days. I am smithing, whats that you ask? It's working to become good at an imaginary skill in a fake world in a game! Great still havent finished my book from a few months ago.

Then there is crap going on at the Dog park. Some queen bee self important woman has decided she didnt like my dog so is talking to people and now serveral people are talking about him. It's ridiculous that people have so little to do with their lives. Before I lost my kidney I was helping out at second harvest food bank. She could help there and shut up about my dog. So now I'm driving to the park blasting Slayers Angel of Death just to tell the people don't talk to me.

Well enough of my crap. Poetry soon.

Friday, August 20, 2004


I ran one of those D&D games last night. Sort of cool had a friend back from the East Coast playing. But I really didn't have enough for a whole night of stuff. You get that sort of junk between modules and I had some of the people out. It was more just bullshitting which is sort of what D&D is all about. Nerds getting together and geeking out rather than drinking and playing poker or something less scrupulous. Roleplaying games give us gimps something to do rather than scare women. Around 45 we start becoming the scary guy in the Denny's that is watching the waitresses uncomfortably handing them a sweat soaked dollar tip that nobody wants to touch.

In the game the group had just finished killed a giant crocodile that had been plaguing a tribe of lizard folk. They did this to gain the trust of the lizard folk who feared they may be working with their enemies. I guess the lizard folk had been driven off from their homeland buy some Sahuagin or something goofy like that. They sent people to the town of Saltmarsh to discuss and alliance against the Sahaugin. Which actually ended U2 Danger on the Dunwater. I passed out 2000 exp to everyone Rich and Chris ,the two missing players,included.

To get things rolling I started U3 with the alliance being formed. I should have done a bunch of roleplaying but I suck and didn't get much into that. I don't know how into it I was, I need to keep on track more though. The party were sent out to perform a raid on the Sahuagin compound with a few objectives in mind. They needed to find out about the force size and any specific leader types. Location of important sites such as barracks and stuff. Any extra defenses they have built and How far their preparations are along.

I had the party begin sailing down the coast to the sahaugin, I don't know how to spell it so i change it every time i write it, camp. A giant octopus or kracken attacked the ship mid trip which is where I left off.

Also Steve, from back east, decided to bring in a monk who has joined the party and is on the ship.

Man I sure waste a bunch of time on this stuff but It's in my blood. Over twenty years in this crap too late to stop. I will be playing at the old folks home i guess.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Aboutface - Murder

Drop my hand out the window to catch some air Riding down Camden to smell the sage By friends old houses looking for some sort of connection Though everybody is leaving town And places are only places you don't look for the living in a tomb Sometimes I think I am doing this cus i'm afraid of change in myself Or I don't know how to go about it all Really i am struggling to find a way Im old these days and don't have a clue what I'm doing I don't feel something missing like the people with kids talk about School sounds good but a bunch of work after the transplant I just want to be happy these days but it's not coming Im aimless save for D&D and learning how to grill a hot dog And I'm wondering if the doubt comes when the scarecrow speaks.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004


Moons' Prism shattered
And birds choked from sky
Cage broken wings
Flesh set to stench

Bullets long rusting
Goblets bleached crust
Stitching needles buried
down in filth

Tear down the curtain
imbued with mold
Sip down the wine
though vinegar turned

Draw out fire
Blister the skin
Leave machines broken
til I cease to care

Monday, August 16, 2004

We sold our souls for rock n roll pt.1

Awhile ago I mentioned something about Heavy Metal. I figured I should start working on that. Lets start with a story of metal and me. My cousin Stacie was into metal starting with Def Leppard. That didn't influence me much it was the artwork. I remember drawing Eddy off the back of some guy's shirt in English. I was in middle school so that's 7ths grade. I remember seeing an Iron Maiden concert on Mtv that summer and being like eek they are scary evil. I started watching some metal show called Hard 30 and Headbangers ball and got into the weak hair metal. Then into sort of the dungeons and dragons sounding speed metal that people were playing. Down hill from then on.

I guess you can say N.W.O.B.H.M. ,prog metal and speed/trash metal are my favorites. That is the new wave of British heavy metal, bud. Bands like Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Venom, Angel Witch, Diamond head and def lep. It's usually complex technical music with a strong voiced tenor that screams like an air raid siren. Prog Metal is a movement to graft in bands like Yes and King Crimson. Rush's Caress of steel and Deep Purple are sort of a genesis of this. Modern bands are Dream Theater, Fates Warning, Voivod, countless others you can find at Rastupin records in Campbell. Speed metal is the evolution of nwobhm / reaction to hair metal centered in the Bay Area. Metallica and Megadeth are thrash. Testament which refined the sound down a bit with Alex Skolnik is speed metal but a better example is Cacophony. This music is virtuoso fast and to quote Strongbad "meedlie meedlie medlie meedlie!"

In the spirit of High Fidelity here is my top five metal records

Bruce Dickinson - The Chemical Wedding
Testament - The Legacy
Black Sabbath - Mob Rules
Voivod - Nothingface
Slayer - Reign in Blood

Give em a try there will be more coming on this

August and Everything After

Goelitz has crops of candy corn set to reap as September stumbles in. Long's was already clearing binders to make way. Laying out the racks for vampire teeth and maybe those pumpkin cutting safety knives. Soon Bataglia will make it official and set up the stands which will change to trees overnight. Used to love this time of year but I'm doubtful today. Everybody's left town. Never talking at midnight shouting at satellites toward the late of august. Even warm early evening riding down the street wearing silly masks. Whimsy and memory that makes me smile.

Friday, August 13, 2004

Upon the instruments of death

I don't really want to be working right now so I'm writing about some music. I recently have broadened my musical horizon with a few new records. I figure I would turn you on to these as well.

Zero Hour: A local band from my old neighborhood in San Jose. Very technical prog metal that is both very metal and progressive. It always bugs me that prog metal is either one or the other.

Grails: An instrumental record that is an experience. It's moody sort of like me. Brooding and spiritual at one. Burden of hope is amazing and I cant wait for Red Light which comes out in October.

Grant Lee Phillips (Virginia Creeper): Wow this thing is almost country yet I like it. My parents forced me to listen to country as a youth, it was terrible. Dirty Secret is awesome.

Finally the Music Match Prog-Rock/Art Rock station. You gotta dig this thing It plays Rush's Cygnus and David Gilmor's Murder. Some stuff is hardly prog, Al Stewart, but i just click to the next song. And to cap it off Chris De Burgh! Yes Mr. Lady in Red himself. He has this older song called "Don't pay the Ferryman" I haven't heard it in years but I used to love it. It's a bit of a rocker and certainly a pleasant find. If they would just stop playing so much Styx it would be cool

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Ripping off Poe

A sunflower shutters on the hillside
and my love is down by the sea.
We ran in this golden field, on this solemn hill
But I can’t find her now, were can she be

We road in jingling gypsy carts
singing, with fearless hearts in soft darkness
laughing with wine, as it takes us.
Even the sun grows cold, without that caress

I can see her gold and red velvet in her hair
burnt rose and lavender, spill form burning censors
Soft candles cast her face in golden light
fade, and in darkness her eyes grow an ashen colour

I can’t cast away her eyes anymore, she waits by the sea
down by the seaside I will run, for she is waiting on me

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Curse of Desdemona

Autumn and spice hangs on the air There’s a chill at morning through a foggy dawn Waiting out the morning in woad mansions Streams of sun infuse the waters of the fountain And we are quiet to hear though there is little to say My cousin Rick tells ghost stories of the house he says is haunted Golden ghost of a bear or man who once built the house Soon September and I'm taking stock Measuring the last winter against the dreams I seldom keep Wondering about the baby she held the last time we will speak Broken smiles shards of china Toward the cold end of sleep In the compound of my debts the scarecrow begins to speak

Monday, August 09, 2004

The Politics of Hell

Ever spend a weekend where no one really knows where you are between playing D&D, eating at taco bell, driving around the mall blasting speed metal, going to game stores, waiting for friends to get off their temp job at a warehouse and finally crashing at home to your parents crying that they called all the hospitals trying to find you? Those were the days! The point is to say I wasted most of my youth and didn't get much out of school. I didn’t get a 4.0, no AP classes, no extra curricular activities, no attendance records; well actually I did get one for least days attended and still graduating.

All I ended up with are some funny stories to write down and a serious gaming habit. Habit is right, I can't stop I've tried. I spend too much money on it and time that could go into something positive. I still haven't hung up that bird feeder I have been meaning to. But I'm thinking of campaign ideas even as I'm writing this. I go to conventions and hang out with weirdoes just to get my fix. I am running a game every other Thursday these days, not playing Fridays and Saturdays like I used to. And the people seem a bit saner, less chemically altered as well.

I started running them through the U series a couple of months ago. It's nice to see the modules of yester year and my group doesn’t know them so well. They started out exploring an abandoned house that was rumored to be haunted. After some furious exploration they found some smugglers were using it as a base of operations. An illusionist was using spells to enhance the stories of it being haunted, to scare off meddling kids. While in the module they were supposed to defeat these guys they made so much noise and constantly announced their presence that the smugglers go the jump on them. They hauled them off to a ship to be sold into slavery. The module normally has a big role-playing section about getting onto the ship but meh. They escaped to and took over the ship. Finally to get back to the smugglers hide out and give them what for.

The next module deals with a map found on the boat. The players basically discover that they have been trading with a colony of lizard folk. They were sent to investigate the intentions of this encampment which was deemed dangerously close to a human town. Upon investigation the Lizard folk where not outwardly aggressive, and just seemed to want to be left alone. Later it was discovered that the colony was driven out of their lands by an aggressor and were forming an alliance to fight the enemy. The party was asked to prove their desire to help by dealing with a problem. The problem was a giant croc that was killing lizard men. Yeah old school modules didn't make a ton of sense. It was always to get what you want you have to help someone with like five nested sub quests that were always someone wanting your help.

Well that’s sort of where it was left off. I only write cuz the people I run through this malarkey wanted an update.

Sunday, August 08, 2004

At work 8:38 on a sunday


Well i got called into work today which is sort of crazy. We had some more problems with a push of the service so i am here testing the fixes. We work toward these scheduled pushes of the web site and backend components here. The schedulers have an Evil Money that picks the dates for these pushes. This time it ended up pretty bad for everyone.

I am basically a lackey peasant here so I get roped into this a bunch. I was here doing this last night at 10 as well. I hope you realize the value of a good education now. Also; any and all levels of post graduate work in philosophy does not count! I used to flip burgers at McDonald's in Oakridge mall, knowing Hegel does me as much good here as it did there. The ability to quote Christabel on request; again little use. Liberal arts are generally a sham. Playing an insturment is a party trick, poetry might get you a date and philosophy well I'm still trying to find a benefit from. Learn a trade; heating / air conditioning, gun repair, biochemical research.

Well i might get out of here soon so im going to leave you

P.S. 11:02 and im still here wondering when im going to leave.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Bacchus Plateau

Down streets of childhood which i hold close to my heart toward the darkening months of the year Up the steppes to dark houses where i called upon friends Finally to the Court of Madrid now forgot But once we first tasted freedom on nights that yet still live Philosophers and fools once kept court here glaring upon a city below Stolen wine in a cache hid in a husk of a car Bargain beer had been bought by some older friend who wanted the company more than anything else Schemes would be dreamt but mainly lies and jokes Somewhere in the memory though the scarecrow speaks.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Prog Primer

Some of you may need introduction to progressive music, which is certainly an influence on my life and therefore my writing. I wanted to come up with a few Basics to get you rolling

Rush: Caress of Steel
Pink Floyd: Meddle and The Final Cut
Yes: Relayer and Close to the Edge
Genesis: Selling England by the Pound
King Crimson: In the Court of the Crimson King
Gentle Giant: Three Friends
Nektar: Remember the Future
Grails: Burden of Hope <- Some call this Post Rock but it sounds like Umagumma to me

Prog Metal will be discussed later but there are a couple.
Viovod: NothingFace
Dream Theater: Images and Words

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Goodbye to Romance

Well that last thing was pretty old, probably 11 years or more. I remember being proud of it when I wrote it, but I doesn't wear as well these days. Sounds sort of whiny like a Cure song or something by Roger Water's. My posts in no way represent a timeline of my writing, more a scattered haze of dates and half rewrites. I try to leave old things as is, but edit a bit here and there. In the past I worked songs into my writing, for some reason. You probably have noticed that if familiar with metal and progressive rock.

Really what I am doing here is forcing myself to write and re evaluate my old stuff. Get on me if you see me slacking. I think I have set this up so anyone can comment.


P.s. I'll work something up as recommended listening, prog can be scarey as can metal. Start with some REO Speedwagon for now. I loved them at 6! Or give the title track a listen.

Crescent Star

The TV buzzed, it's rainbow shaded drool. I think I had settled for staring at some sort of Wild America type thing, all I remember was hearing "the migratory patterns of the East Tibetan Musk Ox are tracked by-" Deep in the cobweb of synapses housed in my neural cortex, some stray neuron took offense at this visual broth which dripped into my eyes. With a superhuman will to power I turned the knob, draining all life from the screen and returning some to me.

I pulled my mortal remains up and found my feet. Staggering to the window, I found the thoughts coming once again. Deep and dark, Dire in content and extension. A plague of sorts contracted through past immoralities. I stumbled and caught hold of the window sill; it gave a tortured moan but gave none. I cast open the window, to let some of the night invade into the room. The cool of the dark air cut with the oppressive inside heat to the ends of a bearable 72.61 degrees, Fahrenheit of course, I hate Celsius. With dragging steps I moved my carcass toward the stereo. For a while I glared at the records and tapes strewn about the storage area underneath the Hi Fi system, in hopes to find something within which might still the hateful fire which engaged my spirit and soul. I unearthed a plain green album, printed with the words "Close to the Edge" in over stylized letters. I opened the album cover (a lot of seventies albums fold open) and gazed for a second or two at the picture inside as I always do. It was one of Roger Dean's works; he has always been one of my favorites. I let the cover rest on one of the speakers while I unjacketed my vinyl treasure. Side two, song one, the second of three on the record "And You And I". Hopeful, I lied back on the pile of pillows which I use as a chair and waited for the warm arms of the music to embrace me.

I sat there for awhile waiting, hoping. Praying. Pleading. But I found no more solace in the music than the TV. The sounds began with an odd struck chord, and then a few words mumbled together running with the swelling sound. The audio flood subsided, letting a sweet wave of acoustic notes roll in. Mr. Wakeman gave a melodic descending non-chromatic scale, spicing the sounds to something different. The notes ebbed and swelled, filling the room and my ears. But the honey toned heat of the music calmed my inward rage to no degree. The dread of self loathing consumed every territory of self. Leaving my heart, mind and black soul bleeding to die. My crimes too great for repentance or to just try and forget. Society and honor demanded atonement.

Somewhere deep within my failing mind. Down in a dark corner some hateful rogue synapse, formulated my sentence. From within my own mind the charge argued, decided and punishment handed down, I my own judge and executioner. I set to work on my retribution. I moved to my closet, and pulled down a wire coat hanger from the bar. All action cold, as though I was entranced or maybe just alienated from myself as a whole. I dug through one of my drawers, producing a pair of pliers and a lighter. With unholy intent I straightened the metal to an undivergent rod. I pulled the line through my finger, as though I were to work a dweomer on the metal. For a few minutes I worked my silent black arts upon the once hanger now brand. At long last I struck the lighter and set it underneath the metal. At first the brand burnt black, but with time and heat began to glow a dull orange. I drew in, giving my body over to this horrid will to power, and touched the fire to my skin. I let forth a yelp and withdrew. But the power of the super will took me again. I seared more, this time leaving a line an inch or so long about the width of a pencil eraser. The pain of my work conquered me; I had to pause while the pain subsided. I staggered into the bathroom and held my arm under the faucet for a moment. The cool water on my skin squelched the fire still burning within my arm, equipping me with the strength to start once more.

Again I took the lighter to the sear, heating into dull brilliance and again I set to work against my arm. I would do this a hundred times that night. My battle against myself, an inquisition on my own evil? One man to slay himself for the good of mankind? My mind drove my body on, feeding it with illusions of nobility. The long forgotten record, now finished, spun giving a cyclic hiss-pop, hiss-pop, though I cared none. Time and life outside my walls seemed at once to cease, Idle as a painted ship well -- I'll stop before a plagiarism suit. And no I don't only know that poem because of the Iron Maiden song. My work began to take on violent art. The brand of a quatrefoil star nearly complete upon me. Again I went to the sink to sedate the pain. The water washed out the evil spirits and agony. Once more I took to work against myself. This time to complete the star and etch a crescent below. I gave a long breath to expel the last of my demons. I looked at my body expressing nothing. The brand was truly horrid as it blistered over and wept. I thought for a moment that an "A" would seem more literate, but this was I lay back drained and only half awake. An hour and a half had past in a dying heart beat. My work at Calvary done. I wandered limply into my room. I stared at the books littering the floor my hate welling inside. Not one of them had but a word to save me from this. Zarathrustra my teacher speechless? And now the hell which drove me, burnt in permanence. Wandering from Gehanna to the Abyss, where to go now? I set to slumber and waited to for the night dreams to come.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

The Faun, The Tyger, The Bee, The Lamb

Wash the night over the land which writhes as a sheet And stride upon paths where houses yield On mid work eves choked with slumber Down by the water side an over bridges that are spoken of in myth Haunts and specter light have been told to be down these roads Which I drive with craving I felt as being told warning and slowed my drive Around bends cut into hills which flutter like flags Here was the white faun in the road and slowed by my approach and lights Halting and waiting I felt my fear of warning subside and though of when the scarecrow spoke

Friday, July 23, 2004

Call few people enemies, Call fewer friends

Wakeful from empty and peering as i pass along the streets Late and summer held courts burning tallow bright Hold long against the night i hear scraps of philosophies and stories or legends of familiar rites I see eyes watching me watching form garage games of pool And hurry on to furrow till'd hills and stands of Eucalyptus and wait for apparitions for moments and then turn home Down the long roads skirting the city on which a white faun answers my hopes i was almost home when i the scarecrow speak

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Sometimes you feel like a beatnik sometimes you don't

This sounds too much like i was trying for Kerouac and has too many floyd songs referenced. It goes into some sort of hippy nature spiritual smeg which certainly isnt me. I must have been listening to my cousin Rick's band Sunfur while writing it normally im a card carrying facsist. But here goes

I dream of a far off road.
Earth scored furrows fan
as I drift on the gray river.
running to the mourning sun

Old winter dead trees stood
hung with blackbirds low
Coaking a hoarse welcome
and I smiled with the sound

Reno was cold and bright
burning life and dreams.
A waste of masked dead
flavored and salted, rott

The desert was kissed with rain
when we road through at night
Yet it hummed and buzzed new
Ancient spirits sang welcome.

That salt white flat I didn’t like
A sea of ash boundless, infinite
The sky the same grey, void
Direction meaningless. I say

These prophetic memories are
unraveling my life, all the yet
Dancing flashes of her face.
To her and them I am bound.

Following unmaking the truth
I trusted in. My faith in myths
and tales, dreams of the fathers.
My ears bleed as we climbed .

Some where up that mountain my
kinsmen have long been waiting.
Carts encamped, Singing call
To their children , for to come home.

The clouds broke open to the sky
A blue hard to tell from black.
From the road I looked down
The clouds shifted below us.

The thin air rushed over my lips
Weak and feeble it could not hold
us as me washed over the road.
A lone cricket bowed farewell to day

The night greeted us with lamplight
We pushed harder, howling with joy
The old wood building warm with life
Candle golden faces smiled within.

We floated to a birth by and oak
The old seminal tree sheltering us,
I thanked it for such kindness.
We trode upon gravel toward the light

Glassey chimes and wooden knocks
we heard from the hearth.
I heard folkey singing over the chatter too
We stood half dazed looking to the fire.

Her voice hummed with honey
we turn, god she as pretty.
Derek danced with her, to old songs
I hated him then, but she was not my love

A fit fell upon me sitting alone.
I fled to the room out in the back.
Chattering and shivering with cold
Some foul humor turned my blood.

I called out boiling water from the tap
Burning out the evil, in the shower.
Absolved I fell upon my bed. clean
seared red where once pale but clean.

We held up late in the mountain
Derek dancing with her again.
I climbed a hill to a hidden place
open to the sky, and fell to the ground.

The city lights were all gone.
Staring up at that hollow sky above,
Dreaming her face in the stars.
The dark things swallowed into the ground.

I am too alone for dreams like this.
Imaging songs about Salisbury hillsides.
I crawled like an insect, back.
Derek and I left with a foggy dawn.

We soon were drowned in oceans of wheat.
swimming to an unseen city, on limitless
roads, racing against the sunset.
My thoughts a peaceful fluid flow.

Droning, I looked out the window.
Doped to old memories by the sun.
Her voice softly drawing me in.
Lights in her eyes as she laughed at me.

That wicked fat old sun above.
She blinded me with boiling light
Weaving torturous visions in that light
Smiling content in my pain.

Moon give me back my eyes.
Sweeten this pain so I can see.
Save me from this sinister siren.
Drape me in velvet and we’ll go home.

We ate some truck stop dive.
I trusted in a well burn piece of meat
and laughed at Derek when he was sick.
He cursed me but I just grinned .

The night came cool and delicate
and I smiled at the moon above us.
Guide and saviour in the night sky.
A cresent below uncle north star.

Drowning out the music I closed my eyes
Somewhere over a dark meadow,
Black grey clouds are dancing
to her will, painting imagined voices

I used to lay with her as it drew cold
Struming the four chord I knew.
Dancing like a fool on a hill under the moon
and she smiled and laughed, thats all I needed.

We watched the clouds spilling above.
Derek snored as I drove into two suns.
We stopped in a walled city of the plains.
Slept and smoked on the river bank.

I left Derek in chicago in the rain.
He said I’ll see you back home.
I touched my face and formed
some sort of smile and waved.

He coughed as climbed to the door.
The sun broke the cloud as he stood
there at the door step washed in light
He was gone, damned old sun.

I rubbed my eyes and swore.
and then numbly got in the car.
Late at night under the golden moon
I Looked back and said goodbye.

I raced up north

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Metaphysical Mayhem

I started reading a book on Leibniz the other night, which isn't uncommon. I'm one of those losers that starts books and puts them down after fifty pages. Defeated but I feel good for making the initial effort to buy the book. I guess you could call me a possessionist intellectual, I own the book ergo I'm imbued with the knowledge therein. It's sort of like when owl eyes ,T. J. Eckleburg himself, was talking about Gatsby's books being real. Fake books for show like I'm existential outcome of the book case. I've read a few though, that Gatsby out of shame for faking my way through in high school, sorry Mr Helley.

Back to Leibniz, though I cant say much after ten pages, I'm not into the calculus just the algebra of though idea. Metaphysics in the philosophical sense, not the weirdo hippy stuff. It just sounds so important and academic that it might impress someone. The more I read that, the lamer it seems. That is sort of the big problem in my life really, self worth. What the hell am I doing with my life? daily fucking question for me!

I test software, WTF!! That is really giving the world a hand. "Hey now you can download news automatically to your desktop." Somewhere I figure the metaphysics has to be more important. How about a metaphysical approach to unified field theory? Nah string theory has enough systemization of abstract object to go around. Perhaps a contribution that justifies existence just isn't the point.
knowing is half the battle.

Friday, June 18, 2004

Drive midnight june 17

I have a tendency to drive at night. Over the years there have been a couple of people that have shared this, but at present no one shares my affliction. In the past it has been something where there have been goals and locations. Often times Hicks road here in San Jose has been a destination, be it for Satanic Albinos or Almaden Airforce Station. But in all truth I dont need a destination, its just the movement and isolation. I can feel both removed and connected, which is comforting. I can remember one of my friends laughing and saying Ted Bundy did the same and had need for it just like I seem to have. I never cared for the observation but it has stuck with me. More the idea that its not my choice but rather a driving need like an addiction. When I say it helps me think maybe i am just saying that it has been too long and i need a driving fix to be able to think again. I don't really know if I want to delve into that at the moment so lets talk about something else.

This is nothing new for me, I have done it for years. In those years I have found a few places that, while not destinations, are constants. When driving I feel like im traveling through the imagined and these few locations exist in the real. For instance there is a 7-11 in the area I grew up, it resides somewhere in the known and nostalgia. It is real and I can still walk in and buy provisions. There are a few late night restaurants as well, though nothing worth our time except perhaps The Cardinal, which I will wait on.

Tonight I drove to a Taco Bell then Down Blossom hill. I found my way into a development between Camden, Union and 85 which i dont remember driving. It was quiet and seemed nice but what doesnt at night? I cut up Union and when into almaden valley by the hills. I love the smells of sage and brush in the summer, the roads need something other than city. I cut back to home over Santa Teresa. It was a short ride but it helped.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Deep Puddle Dynamics

somewhere in the billowing night infused grey overcast sky stained down on meadow Barn and dale Salt bleached on winds that echo'd the sea and her words formed age ago I couldn't remember her face er might I try This was rote traced eons held Wilderness Home to Home mid slumber til crumbling gas lit city beheld It was then climbing night dark steppes that I heard the scarecrow speak

Bright Ambassadors of Mourning

Once welling tears caramelize and burn
breathing away in to a honey haze.
my murky lenses prism my sight.
I’ll paint a stead from cloud and ride.

Over the sky to a shimmering lonely sea.
Walk on a shore of shattered jewels.
Waves crashed and broke all the more.
Dancing with a white pallid diamonds light.

I strode upon the impossible shore.
Until I bleed, cut and soar.
through the murk I spied an ebon sail
shifting upon the milky looking glass

No standard nor claiming mark, it bore
A tall pale ghost haunted the ship.
Circumstance bound our blood, cold
and lonely. And I waited dreaming

With a gurgle and gravely clacker
The boat bore into the Glittering shore
Under a sail of torn velvet and gold
A sullen robed row man held out a hand