A little girl watched the monster next door from a window and wondered. He was furry and clawed and had a hoof, not two! And he was barbecuing in the neighbors backyard! He would be scary with his horns but he sang off key, as the radio played Journey. Her Parents had said monsters weren't real, but here one was, grilling hamburgers.
She had watched the monster since her family moved next door; afraid at first, but curious each day a little more. He slept in a little dog house even though he was very big and stuck mostly out. The monster didn't make a mess and was nice to the dog. So the little girl wasn't concerned or astonished, but she knew something didn't seem right. He wasn't big foot or a yeti or even the Iron Maiden mascot Eddie. But he lived next door and none of her friends had a neighbor like him!.. maybe it?
The Monster was intent on his work and paid no attention to little eyes looking from the window. He just cooked and cooked, some for the dog and some for him but still more burgers than could have been et up by the two of them. While he watched the smoke trail away a dry and crumpled leaf fell from a mulberry tree nearby. This wouldn't have meant anything to anyone any other day. But mattered and the monster muttered and left the hotdogs still cooking, walking away.
Even though it was too early, Krampus worried he was late! Moving the calendar forward and circled the date. Many days and months, it was a long time away, but still Krampus worried and started working that very day. Did I say it was still summer, it was you see? There was still Canadian Thanksgiving and Halloween to go, Veterans Day an election, but Krampus thought about getting a tree.
T'was a special feast for Leif Erickson's day! Though Krampus was Germanic, he feasted anyway. Odin was a friend, from long ago; he hadn't seen him lately; why he didn't know. He dressed up a Viking to pillaged neighborhood trash finally coming home sticky itching with a rash.
His manger was set with more Caganers than two; all trying discreetly to take a Christmas poo. One looked like john Lennon another like Peggy lee. He searched without luck for one taking a wee.
Krampus hung wooden ravens all along the door. They were a Christmas tradition from Alaska's chilly shore. Some he carved with his wicked Krampus claws; others were bought online. It was all within the law. Raven represented Jesus to the Tlingit people up north. Through virgin birth Raven stole the sun and for the people brought if forth.
Some would laugh at his metal treetop though hipsters would think it cool. Krampus didn't care, just another way he enjoyed the Yule.
Late nights he prowled record shops disguised in a hat and giant coat. Luckily the customers looked mostly the same and even smelled a little of goat. He snapped up Christmas records from country to jazz. He even bought “A Progressive Rock Christmas” with Greg Lake and Patrick Moraz. He bought more Bing Crosby than anyone shout have. He was together for Christmas with the Muppets and Henry Deutchendorf. Krampus almost got A Hanson Christmas but a girl made a quick grab.
A Vince Guaraldi Christmas really put the beast in a Christmas mood. To such pleasant jazzy sounds the monster couldn't menace or brood. Some Canadian had a song about a winters night, that Krampus felt really got the tidings right. He liked a song The Greedies had made. He even liked one that talked about being Slade.
Riding home the station played Christmas too, Oakridge Boys Christmas from 1982. Listening to the music he basked in peace, but soon he would be down to business so he switched on number of the beast.
Krampus gathered pumpkins after Halloween half smashed on the road. He left them rotting on his window sill until they were three weeks too old; from them baking thanksgiving pie, with homemade crust that drew many flies.
Yams were hand smashed and candied golden brown, soaked in syrup so sweet it was hard to get down. Scallop corn and stuffing rounded out the meal, it was so heavy anyone else would be sick, but Krampus heaped on seconds and thirds with a happy squeal.
Who knows what part kids played in the feast, he may have ground their bones to make the biscuit yeast. There was some doubt as it was before the season, but Krampus knew a butcher with meats for every reason.
The days of the feasts he caught a little nap. Then waited by the mall and set a little trap. Black Friday shoppers tasted the best; full of thanksgiving dinners from their toes to their chest. They thought of sales, not their kids. They wouldn't mind just a nibble; so he waited and hid.
There was a bird or rather many, Idunn guested twenty but really only thirty. The beast was turning them into a feast, a roast of birds of time gone bye. Krampus would laugh at a turduken that was only three; he made his tenfold bigger you see. He had an ostrich, an emu, emperor penguin on down the line a pigeon a blue jay with a humming bird finally stuffed it would taste just fine. The sides were corn and potatoes, stuffing, candied yams and cranberries. He had great grandma's chocolate and pumpkin pies. Idunn wondered where he got the recipe, grandma kept a secret card, but the monster's smelled the same cooling on the table in the yard.
Idunn's parents called her it was time to go. On the drive she wondered and wondered who Krampus cooked for, she wondered and wished she could know. But she saw a long haired man with a guitar hop the fence when she got her coat. One lock of hair was white the rest blandly brown, he dressed like the conductor of a jazz combo. He had some trouble with the fence but Krampus helped him down. Her parents hurried her along but she hoped to be home in time to hear a song.
Idunn introduced herself by name waiting politely for the beast to do the same. When Krampus finally did it was curt. Idunn not being afraid, the monster was really hurt. But she kept at him with a smile and the innocence of a child.
Christmas lights glowed around the eaves, with Krampus making small talk hoping the girl would leave. She had been good and the beast couldn't eat her. Santa wouldn't allow it of that Krampus was sure.
His bag was filled full with a big bundle of sticks. He would leave them on ill-mannered kid's door steps so their parents could give them a few licks. He festooned switches with candy and little toys to soften the blow. But the message was clear for any kid to know. A Christmasy warning to mend their way or else he would visit the night before Christmas day.
Krampus was the strong hand to Santa merry laugh. He would give out coal or whippings to kids on the wrong side of the list. Sometimes he could eat ones that really made Santa pissed. But Krampusnacht was for warnings and mild mischief. He seemed to know those who didn't keep Christmas well; it was sort of a gift.
A few streets over the Barries were the sort and a house without lights and deserved some sort of retort. The old man was lazy but the kids and family were pretty good. So Krampus decorated their house himself, the brightest in the neighborhood. They even won a lights and display contest. Krampus had done his very best, hoping the Barries would decorate next year and the rest.
The monster was very busy the rest of the time, beating on bad children's windows to set them right, rounding up gangs of drunks to wassail through the night. Lone left out teens were hired to help in the work. They were dressed up like Krampus and told to harass shopper at the malls. Even whip and grab maids if they had the balls. Christmas was for adolescent punks Christmas was always meant for all!
Toward the end of the night, Krampus came upon a house that wasn't on his list. Not good not bad how were they missed. Krampus left alone those who kept other ways, only Christmas was his. But the house had a tree so he peered in wondering who it could be.
Around the houses Krampus crept like a cat but none of the bad kids were big boned or fat. Only grisly spoiled brats chauffeured from soccer, piano and tennis. The only porker was kind and jolly, a delightful little fatso named Pauly. Krampus would have to make do with a scrawny back talking bastard or two.
Down the chimney no not his style he kicked in the door with a smile. He told the parents what he was about and usually they handed the truants over without a shout. This time was different this time was fun; dad fought with Krampus and told the kids to run. It was odd pops had such moral fiber when the kids had none. Krampus ran off from the fight, laughing and cackling into the night. Children were good but sausage was too and Harry's Hofbrau was open almost until two.
They spilled upon the street couples and gangs and some singles lonely with heartbroken pangs. Krampus was leaving when he heard words spoken hard and desperate. Down a dark alley a date ended poorly. The girls No's changed the monsters mood sorely. With a bound Krampus sprang to see what was the matter. A man meager like a mouse grabbed and pawed at a scared woman's blouse. Krampus now was mad, angry, pissed off, full of fury, he was perturbed. High on Christmas vengeance he made the man bite the curb. Then a swishy switching along with screaming was heard. Once twice the whipping was strong and even like the tide. The villain wouldn't be sitting after the tanning of his hide.
Long after the beating he left with the lady, clinging to his arm. She laughed and was happy despite herself from Krampus's charm. Leaving her at her doorstep but asked to call again, nothing serious just to check on his new friend.
Some hours later Krampus ripped off the door, being quiet as he could; listening for the Sargent’s snore. Krampus crept out on a soft padded foot; but sometimes with a cloppy clop coming from his hoof. His jail break was a success no thanks to old fat Saint Nick. He may have been his partner but sometimes he was a prick. Krampus worked home sneaking all the way, Get back to his little house a few hours before light of day.
Miss Teacher had been bad and Krampus had the cure. It was a punishment she would enjoy, of that be sure. It wasn't the date she envisioned after Krampus saved her at the bar, but it was one she liked more by far.
The peacock pie had been served to all when Krampus stormed the hall. He battered the house keep and flattened th’ Lord of Misrule. All the fancy dinners would remember this Yule. He grabbed a banker and gave him the lash. Buggering his wife with a rod made of ash.
When all the nice banners lay broken and torn, Krampus flew away his welcome growing worn. Hooting and hollering a menacing "Grus vom Krampus" into the night!
These were the nights Krampus loved his Christmas work. When Father Christmas wasn't being a goody goody jerk; the monster enjoyed being Santa's spite righteously beating kids all through the night. Krampus pondered a beast work well done with friendly violent fun.
Under the cloudy sky Krampus spied on the house from afar, Santa all the time hid in the motorcycle sidecar. The stockings were hung and they watch the fire crack merry, unaware they were being stalked by someone quit scary. A Cloven hoof kicked in the door; the police call it a modus operandi. The children shrieked dropping presents and candy. The monster grabbed the boy and looked at the mother somewhat randy. On orders Santa said not a mark, so Krampus beat the bastard with a bag of oranges and tan bark. After the child moaned in a pulp he looked up at the mom and she gave a loud gulp. The cop cars were her release, who knows what she would have done with the beast.
The tree was decked out as if nothing was ajar, except the top had no angel not even a star. Presents were nestled under the tree with care, in the hopes that the winter solstice would soon be there. Why even try to pretend through the Christmas Yule. Keeping one’s own rites was a reason he deeply respected the Jews. But here they mocked Christmas and said it was actually stolen from them, when in youth Santa brought them might man and monster and Spiro graph with colored pens.
Krampus watched not knowing what to do; he was going to take his time with his vengeance. It would be awhile until he was through. Krampus clawed at the windows menacing the kids, in terror looking outside, Krampus cast only a shadow monstrously whilst he hid. Later scrapping glass with hideous huge claws, children fled in horror waking parents to inform the law. The Beast disappeared for a moment; hoping their mad parents would do his work. But these were the sort that didn't spank bad children, you know the type, jerks.
Krampus chewed on a bone then gave it to the dog, stretching his arms there were children to flog. He did some deep bends then touched his toes; Christmas wasn't a time for cramps when you rained down blows. It wasn't quit dark when the fat man sleighed through the yard, Ho ho'ing to Krampus the fat tub of lard. Krampus was a monster and monsters don't use sleighs, instead he drove a motorbike with a side car to make is way. Santa thought it slow but seeing only bad kids there were fewer stops; not counting the years the economy drops.
Krampus bared his hairy rump; Saint Nick offered a Christmasy fist bump. Elves looked on without a care, the last traces of Christmas jingling from the air. The day afterword and the deed was done. Now it was time for Santa and Krampus to have a little fun.
The eleven more days and Boxing Day would have to wait. The monster and Kringle didn't much care if they were late.