Friday, September 25, 2009

Autumn Project 2

Ok I am no artist, I am just going out on a limb. This is part of my Autumn project which I have invited a few people to join in on. The idea is to do something with the theme of Fall. We started fresh on Thursday September 24th and go until early November. Since it can be of any medium I am trying a medium that I am not a master of, this is also to get people to give it a try that may not have.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Autumn Project 1

Endless summer nights are looking for an end
black winged flights rushing suddenly south
Night is settling softly down
brittle leaves cast off summers crown

Longing songs invoke the harvest breed
Last we spoke you were drowning in your need
first rains fell with your words
looking to the sky its all i heard

lights are burning now falling night
were inturing a summer of delight
all undone im driving on my own
toward the seaside all alone

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Death of the Eagle

In the face of all these joys I will transcend today. Beyond the meaningless you imply with meaning I will transcend. Birthed of wings and dreams I will chase over the sea. Upon the land in elegant feline machines steeped in avarice. I will transcend the conquered mountains that lay at my feet. As my blood washes seventeen clean I will transcend.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009


I dont get it but I am more than people can handle. I start to mention what is going on and everyone tells me to shut up or ignores me. I could hold a gun to my head and I swear everyone would ignore me.

I know i have burned my wife out on this crap. I am trying to find other people to talk to. She has her own stuff going on right now. And I have been like this for years, i dont know if its even fair to her. She has heard it and I have said it to her for so long I am sick of saying it.

I start talking about the failures I have had trying to find a job to my dad and he says Oh stop that crap. Ok fine i guess im used to that from him by now. I just wanted an honest adult conversation and I tried to reach out. I know failure isnt something people want to discuss but its all I have in my pockets right now. I can't talk about my mom about it.

I mention some of my negativity to other people and they just shrug it off. How do i get people to talk about feelings that hurt them. Im just falling down a bit and wonder how I can get back up. What am I doing wrong, what have I done wrong. Am I the person I think I am. Am I any good at stuff, have I tricked myself into thinking I am competent. What is fair for me to hope, look for and expect out of life.

I guess the poetry has left my words, its all too desperate for any eloquence. Im so sickened now

Thursday, August 13, 2009


When I think about the idea that there is a reason for all things... damn I must be pretty useless. Look at this new contract I am working. I just push buttons all day I could think but that just slows the job down. Is there someone here I am supposed to help? I wish they would make their need known, so I can do my part and leap like Scott Bakula.

I dont even get this place, they are paying me pretty well, but anyone could do this. I could have done it in highschool. Now I have a solid QA skill set and a desire to use my mind instead of turning it off. Get a 15 dollar an hour intern its a total win for them.

Give me a reason to be here please...I'm just hoping the next leap will be the one back home

Monday, August 10, 2009

I'd rather trust a country man than a town man

For a moment I felt that familiar bite of melancholy but then it slipped away, leaving me with this nagging contentment. It doesnt feel right at all, at least not on me. I struggle intellectually and in some since authentically, I mean it just feels like someone elses contrived happiness.

It's like I was sent to Fiddlers Green, istead of the Valhalla of Metal where Randy Rhoads ever plays lead with Piggy playing chords even God forgot. Phil and Cliff take turns a Rickenbacker bass. This should be my destined place. With passions poured ever over and enough need to fuel my art.

Instead I have another mans heaven a bright and shining land I have no idea how to walk.

Thursday, August 06, 2009


I have been talking to a few people concerning my feelings of detachment and they say its either a state buddhists constantly try to obtain or my anti crazy med dosage is too high.

I think i am going to have to trust that the dialectic nature of things will bring me back around to myself sometime. But for active pursuit of my normal self i think i have two options. Go off my medications and listen to slayer until im pissed off again. Or two, If i miss motivation I must go through the motions of motivation. Pretend until I am not fronting. Actually now that I think of it Maybe if i denied myself everything I would come to want again.

I am not sure which of those is the best to persue, but the virtues say action is better than inaction.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Build a little Birdhouse in your Soul

Answers are not the desire of the seeker but instead the search. When truth comes without work it is unfulfilling, when it comes after a long journey the traveller is left without purpose. Direction dissolved what are you, being without intent. Moderation in all things even contentment, we are most ourselves with our longing. I do not recognize myself without my desire, will others? I can only assume I will return to me, though this casts away doubt it fills me with more contentment.

Vicious Battle Raps

Day two, Well i am still pleasantly unmotivated, I find myself questioning the motivation behind my need to do things. Many times I am motivated to become someone other than myself. I do not see a point following that course when I am content in self. Why do i seek to fulfill trivial needs and wants? What if I possess these things what would I be? Do i expect company if I own things enjoyable to people? Why call people with things when there are others willing to exchange their company for my own.

Most of what I see is desire to change self and have self affirmed by others. No one can build your self esteem other than you through works. Others can only hurt self if you give them that power. You are your own judge and executioner and attachment to things or other ideas of self only hold you back. Self will take care of its own desires, intellectuals read without desire, the kind give without thinking. There is no need to become something else, you are that or you are not.

Without emotion i miss my motivations. I think of myself moved by things and taking a direction, the is missing and i note it missing. I do not feel guilt or sorrow that it is gone

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Never Let Go

I find myself having found a new feeling of detachment that is not unpleasant. I feel lost from my desires, people and place. It is new to be detached without sorrow. To be free from even a hint of need. I wonder how long it will last but I dont know how to live in this state, I say that without worry. It is as if I will eat only out knowing it is needed. It has been only a few hours since have been able to posit this feeling but it isnt unpleasant.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Some Sunday Evening

let me hold you and I will be happy for awhile. lets have our hands on each other like two people in love tonight. Can you yield to me when I kiss you? Can you be just mine and put aside your doubts if only tonight? Can we be free together late in the evening. Will you still hold me after we have filled our hearts til their breaking. Will you look at me long and not throw up a wall with you legs balled up between us. Will you fall asleep with your arms wrapped around me forgetting your fears as you come to rest?

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

One of my turns

Im going to say this as honest and simply as possible. Im not ok. I feel like I need someone to just say "I care about you. I'll come if you need me." Believe me I need you now, whoever you are. I feel like my failures are a burden to my family, I feel like even saying somethings fucked up here hurts them. Like Jim is having one of his turns again. heading home contemplating the silent freeway it gets worse, driving by a hundred rejections. When i get home its great with my wife and my girl, til it gets later and these feelings creep back in my head. Then i feel guilty even when they look at me, like I've been letting them down all their lives.

Why are you running away?

Thursday, July 16, 2009

wrapped up in powdered wool

Honestly I feel like an island now, I am reaching out desperately at times and I don’t think people get it. It’s like I am speaking in a language no one gets. They recognize me and say hi the just hear me and look confused as they pass along. I’m passing along little coded messages that it’s not alright. I thought they might have the keys to decode what I am saying, after knowing me. I guess I have kept something back for so long that I cant throw open the doors when i'm in need. Too scared to be in everyones attention when i say "help me". Maybe its hubris i just dont want to be weak; but it seems like i have been telling everyone just how weak I am my whole life. Pan Pan,test for echo

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Crescent star Rock score card 4

Watched by empty silhouettes.....peter gabriel...line from solsbury hill

cracklin' Rose ...Neal diamond..Song title

stargazer...Rainbow...Song from feel the rainbow i think

Peach Blossom and Bitter almond...Genesis... line from the broadway melody of 1974

chloe Dancer/ Crown of thorns ...Mother Love Bone....Song

Stranded starfish have no place to hide...Peter Gabriel...Line from The Flood

Men of station...Some Anticon project...Song title

Where the hell ive ended up on this glary random day...Ben Folds Five... line from evaporated

Disciples of the Watch....Testament...Song title

Cities in the Dust....Souixe and banshees title

I believe when i fall in love with you it will last forever...Stevie title

I believe when i fall in love with you it will last forever

I guess the need to write is welling up again. Strange how it comes and goes almost like an addiction, burning until you give in and then gone for a time. I almost beat it this time, but here I am timidly tapping out sentences. Maybe I am throwing myself in with all the passion of a new love, or one long lusted for that finally takes one slip.

I am going to do this and try to be as open as I can. Throw up some of the stuff I have long held back, not knowing where to put them. Scared they may be mocked.

Yell and prod me if more doesnt come along soon, I need as much pushing as I can get.