Suedehead

I dont get it but I am more than people can handle. I start to mention what is going on and everyone tells me to shut up or ignores me. I could hold a gun to my head and I swear everyone would ignore me.

I know i have burned my wife out on this crap. I am trying to find other people to talk to. She has her own stuff going on right now. And I have been like this for years, i dont know if its even fair to her. She has heard it and I have said it to her for so long I am sick of saying it.

I start talking about the failures I have had trying to find a job to my dad and he says Oh stop that crap. Ok fine i guess im used to that from him by now. I just wanted an honest adult conversation and I tried to reach out. I know failure isnt something people want to discuss but its all I have in my pockets right now. I can't talk about my mom about it.

I mention some of my negativity to other people and they just shrug it off. How do i get people to talk about feelings that hurt them. Im just falling down a bit and wonder how I can get back up. What am I doing wrong, what have I done wrong. Am I the person I think I am. Am I any good at stuff, have I tricked myself into thinking I am competent. What is fair for me to hope, look for and expect out of life.

I guess the poetry has left my words, its all too desperate for any eloquence. Im so sickened now

Jump

When I think about the idea that there is a reason for all things... damn I must be pretty useless. Look at this new contract I am working. I just push buttons all day I could think but that just slows the job down. Is there someone here I am supposed to help? I wish they would make their need known, so I can do my part and leap like Scott Bakula.

I dont even get this place, they are paying me pretty well, but anyone could do this. I could have done it in highschool. Now I have a solid QA skill set and a desire to use my mind instead of turning it off. Get a 15 dollar an hour intern its a total win for them.

Give me a reason to be here please...I'm just hoping the next leap will be the one back home

I'd rather trust a country man than a town man

For a moment I felt that familiar bite of melancholy but then it slipped away, leaving me with this nagging contentment. It doesnt feel right at all, at least not on me. I struggle intellectually and in some since authentically, I mean it just feels like someone elses contrived happiness.

It's like I was sent to Fiddlers Green, istead of the Valhalla of Metal where Randy Rhoads ever plays lead with Piggy playing chords even God forgot. Phil and Cliff take turns a Rickenbacker bass. This should be my destined place. With passions poured ever over and enough need to fuel my art.

Instead I have another mans heaven a bright and shining land I have no idea how to walk.

Wither

I have been talking to a few people concerning my feelings of detachment and they say its either a state buddhists constantly try to obtain or my anti crazy med dosage is too high.

I think i am going to have to trust that the dialectic nature of things will bring me back around to myself sometime. But for active pursuit of my normal self i think i have two options. Go off my medications and listen to slayer until im pissed off again. Or two, If i miss motivation I must go through the motions of motivation. Pretend until I am not fronting. Actually now that I think of it Maybe if i denied myself everything I would come to want again.

I am not sure which of those is the best to persue, but the virtues say action is better than inaction.

Build a little Birdhouse in your Soul

Answers are not the desire of the seeker but instead the search. When truth comes without work it is unfulfilling, when it comes after a long journey the traveller is left without purpose. Direction dissolved what are you, being without intent. Moderation in all things even contentment, we are most ourselves with our longing. I do not recognize myself without my desire, will others? I can only assume I will return to me, though this casts away doubt it fills me with more contentment.

Vicious Battle Raps

Day two, Well i am still pleasantly unmotivated, I find myself questioning the motivation behind my need to do things. Many times I am motivated to become someone other than myself. I do not see a point following that course when I am content in self. Why do i seek to fulfill trivial needs and wants? What if I possess these things what would I be? Do i expect company if I own things enjoyable to people? Why call people with things when there are others willing to exchange their company for my own.

Most of what I see is desire to change self and have self affirmed by others. No one can build your self esteem other than you through works. Others can only hurt self if you give them that power. You are your own judge and executioner and attachment to things or other ideas of self only hold you back. Self will take care of its own desires, intellectuals read without desire, the kind give without thinking. There is no need to become something else, you are that or you are not.

Without emotion i miss my motivations. I think of myself moved by things and taking a direction, the is missing and i note it missing. I do not feel guilt or sorrow that it is gone

Never Let Go

I find myself having found a new feeling of detachment that is not unpleasant. I feel lost from my desires, people and place. It is new to be detached without sorrow. To be free from even a hint of need. I wonder how long it will last but I dont know how to live in this state, I say that without worry. It is as if I will eat only out knowing it is needed. It has been only a few hours since have been able to posit this feeling but it isnt unpleasant.

Some Sunday Evening

let me hold you and I will be happy for awhile. lets have our hands on each other like two people in love tonight. Can you yield to me when I kiss you? Can you be just mine and put aside your doubts if only tonight? Can we be free together late in the evening. Will you still hold me after we have filled our hearts til their breaking. Will you look at me long and not throw up a wall with you legs balled up between us. Will you fall asleep with your arms wrapped around me forgetting your fears as you come to rest?

One of my turns

Im going to say this as honest and simply as possible. Im not ok. I feel like I need someone to just say "I care about you. I'll come if you need me." Believe me I need you now, whoever you are. I feel like my failures are a burden to my family, I feel like even saying somethings fucked up here hurts them. Like Jim is having one of his turns again. heading home contemplating the silent freeway it gets worse, driving by a hundred rejections. When i get home its great with my wife and my girl, til it gets later and these feelings creep back in my head. Then i feel guilty even when they look at me, like I've been letting them down all their lives.

Why are you running away?

wrapped up in powdered wool

Honestly I feel like an island now, I am reaching out desperately at times and I don’t think people get it. It’s like I am speaking in a language no one gets. They recognize me and say hi the just hear me and look confused as they pass along. I’m passing along little coded messages that it’s not alright. I thought they might have the keys to decode what I am saying, after knowing me. I guess I have kept something back for so long that I cant throw open the doors when i'm in need. Too scared to be in everyones attention when i say "help me". Maybe its hubris i just dont want to be weak; but it seems like i have been telling everyone just how weak I am my whole life. Pan Pan,test for echo

Crescent star Rock score card 4

Watched by empty silhouettes.....peter gabriel...line from solsbury hill

cracklin' Rose ...Neal diamond..Song title

stargazer...Rainbow...Song from feel the rainbow i think

Peach Blossom and Bitter almond...Genesis... line from the broadway melody of 1974

chloe Dancer/ Crown of thorns ...Mother Love Bone....Song

Stranded starfish have no place to hide...Peter Gabriel...Line from The Flood

Men of station...Some Anticon project...Song title

Where the hell ive ended up on this glary random day...Ben Folds Five... line from evaporated

Disciples of the Watch....Testament...Song title

Cities in the Dust....Souixe and banshees maybe...song title

I believe when i fall in love with you it will last forever...Stevie wonder...song title

I believe when i fall in love with you it will last forever

I guess the need to write is welling up again. Strange how it comes and goes almost like an addiction, burning until you give in and then gone for a time. I almost beat it this time, but here I am timidly tapping out sentences. Maybe I am throwing myself in with all the passion of a new love, or one long lusted for that finally takes one slip.

I am going to do this and try to be as open as I can. Throw up some of the stuff I have long held back, not knowing where to put them. Scared they may be mocked.

Yell and prod me if more doesnt come along soon, I need as much pushing as I can get.

employed again

Hi folks

Well i am working again at Obopay. Go check it out

on a sudden storm

where once the sky broke bright now i only see claws and crows moving fast. Running with flags and ribbons herald dark the weather rushing upon the unsuspecting town. Bruised and Burn down the far off hills until it hold most of the sky it whispers words few are not scared to speak. Bringing a still that drives wings from the sky where they shudder and flop against a ground now dark. Birds scream and thrash calling forgiveness at airs that have rejected them. At last against sheltering glass comes the rain that drowns the day

On the traditional celebration of Leif Erikson's day

on the traditional celebration of Erikson's day.


The ninth of October the blackest day, for it is Erikson's day. Few hold the old ways but I speak them unto you. We wake to clean and brush out teeth as cleanliness has long been valued by the Nordic people. We hunger and so eat the tradition viking breakfast of Muslix harvest fruit, served cold in remembrance of the fjords. Again we brush our teeth, as stated above the Scandinavians are a very clean people. To finish our morning we dress. When choosing clothing denim and leather are especially esteemed fabrics, wrist guards or full leather bracers are considered core component of ones outfit. A broad sword or battle axe is the traditional compliment to ones outfit.

When performing ones duties during the day do not hesitate, mince or use caution; but be assured of yourself. Cut with a single stalwart chop. Take time to ponder the sea, gaze longingly upon it if you live near a port city. Fill your desires with excess and live this day to the full. Give but do not take, pay only with cash, coin or gold. Do not further or debts and pay them down if you can.


For the Norwegians and Swedes long connection to heavy metal, listen only to death or doom metal. Danes may consider listening to their kinsman King Diamond. Beat up your English friends a little unless they "God save us from the fury of the northmen!" Then buy them a mead. Give crude gestures to your local Columbus Day parade. At home decorated with two ravens placed by your door, not one not three not more. Cut ones hand and mark your door and windows with bloody runes. Burn a fish in offering to Thor. End the night in a drunken stupor after a metal show and call in sick the next morning.

These are the rites of Leif Erikson's day.

Aloysius Alone

It seemed night or near in the clouds and smoke to aloyisus perched above the city. lungs filled and failed; his watch wide eyed on flames wholey amazed. Soot encrusting his vision he wondered back to where it all start.

Some where long from friends aloyisus awoke on the road with little but himself. Full or fat he didnt need so he walked. In trackless seas of golden grasslands he strode or limped on tirelessly til night. Amid sunsets and now buzzing city lights Aloyisus watched Nicene's path ribbon through streets made perfect in her wake. Some days he would wander them for hours hoping; eyes gleamed full in melancholy on streets he dreamed she touched. Here held high watching ribbons slowly dissappear and the sublime sink into the real. If hours or weeks I could not say but Aloyisus beheld sorrow.

In these days Anglac was not found and even Haddibaugh lost, they would be about with time, but now Aloyisus alone. Nicene unseen he pitied and hated the city. Longing turned leaving again he was set to his feet. Down with the speed only weight pulls he stomped and galloped and ran until he was in the city and anonymus. Then just a shadow the people didnt want to see, he wandered til he found the creeks. Sunk low ebb and flow these veins of the city carried winter waters to a muddy sea but burnt dry they harbored Aloyisus and carried him on. Across his valley in meer breaths he stopped moments to set free things he loved and close up his home. Few things kept and again set upon the road.

R.I.P.E.G.G.

Now stop and remember and dream;
far from cynicism when you were young .
Who told us with wide wonder
The stories of the age?

Lives stronger, kinder, better,
you lived long nights bold
In tales a master weaving
That held off your own needing

Tomes now are silent
That once kindled all delight
Mourn with me old joys passing
and a masters passing light

In your age was he forsaken?
Mocked with selfward spite.
Now you wear sardonic guises
ill fit that always hang like a lie

Slip off this veil; return my friend to me
Drink in joy, foolishness and sorrow
Hold the old master up with honor
Relive again lives he taught us to dream

A Piebald Horse

Ribbons red, blue and gold sewn and wove through the mane of Anglac's courtiers steed. Here all slender and grace mulled in winter morning still fragile. Aloysius upon a piebald horse matted and awash with mud followed. These times little they spoke, each reading and read the other as if brothers. On pestilent vales this went hours into hours til eastward hills were well in sight. Southward on climbs that oversaw a smokey city watching with some scorn. Amid orchards the manors held by Aloysius family waited them and many more.

Grey and cold wanders in and unsure night somehow fleeting and uncommitted to the land. But with hours lamps are lite and strung in leaf barren trees. A wind would wash up driving branches like a fist shaking in the air. And the two road mindless of gales rattling windows on well wooded streets past in wordless hours. Anglac's hair wild rushed with the gusts and lashed, where it was always in place. Aloyisius's a mild mess as always smiled headlong into the weather. Now it would not be long.

Cities in the Dust

Some hours finally left me alone;not the unwished solitude so easy these latter hours that saw my city yeild to duty, but removed and unweighted by the day. Long from the sun perception came before judgement brotherhood born before strife. Light seemed limited yet broke hard on empty seats. measuring out my missing companion in longing and leaving afterglow in green and grieving. Irrigation hissed alive in streets where night insects chanted diabolic hymms. This seems where I begin unaligned from lies and compromise monolithic of the waking day

Disciples of the Watch

Recently I have decided to become an fraternal order such as the elk. Not that have actually signed up or even know how I would go about joining. So if a random stranger asks I may consider it; I guess is the take away point here.

Perhaps you are wondering why an antisocial loner such as myself would be interested in the elks or moose. The answer my friend is gaming space. Lodges are closing left and right due to lack of attendance, that means loads of open space going to waste. Once I join and indoctrinate my fellow gamers we will own the place. All we need is a couple of back rooms and we would happily pay dues to be left alone. We already have our own conventions and more than a few funny hats.

Those sceptical will perhaps need more proof of concept. Some years back the Conquest convention was held at Ricky's Hyatt with annex space coming from the Elks Lodge. Several of my gaming cohorts mentioned how comfortable the space felt. One mentioned clubs and bars being difficult for him, but the classic rock, cigarettes and cheap beer just working for him. Also us tea totallers may feel less out of place when the focus isn't 100% on drinking.

This need not be limited to the elk, moose or eagles. A masonic temple or the Ordo Temple Orientalis may work better considering the esoteric nature of most role playing games.

Well this is all a delusion of my kidney medicine probably, yes yes thats right i should be working that's right
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