Friday, March 29, 2013

Graham Crackers only Joy!

Hi folks,

I have been sick so no messages.  I also wanted to say i am on an upped dosage of my crazy med called Celexa.  Wow it is a very odd thing.  I feel better and less angry, nervous, activated but I also feel less motivated to use this outlet of blogging.  Perhaps my neuroses drive me here.

The odd thing and what I would like to mention is I have lost weight.  I am stress eater and being less stressed is less food for me.  But also there is something weird i have noticed.  I am going to talk about where food gets weird here, addictive and crazy.  I am not really comfortable discussing it but if it helps anyone good.

If you ever go to an AA meeting they will talk about a drug of choice.  That is not just saying liquor or drugs but a very specific question.  If I said food, that isn't it there are many but Graham crackers, they are my drug of choice.  I can eat any amount of them!  Skinny people challenge me on that, because they don't know shit about food.  If you are skinny you have never ate, not like I have.  When I eat graham crackers there is only joy, I dunk those fuckers in milk and eat em.  A full wrapped package is one atomic unit of graham crackers.  You think I cant finish a box, screw that three is a start bitch!  I'm crazy! 

And when i finish there is about thirty seconds until I feel like I am going to die!  But while eating only joy!

That is the thing you are going to be able to point out when you have a problem with food.  Well along with an externalized voice telling you to get up and eat at night, when nobodies looking; hidden eating is so fucking good!  That one thing that is your drug of choice.   It's almost calming to understand your food of choice because you know you have a problem there. 

With this extra celexa dose something weird has opened up to me though.  I understand my food addiction is caused by a messed up brain feeding me dopamine because I gave it graham crackers.  But with the serotonin uptake inhibitors running in my blood, I am less rewarded by food.  This has had the odd effect of strange effect of opening up my eyes to how systemically my brain is rewarding me.  Nearly everything I want to eat has some sort of reward effect going on. Even the feeling of hunger is not the awful feeling to always be avoided.  The full stomach thing isn't rewarded with the good eating dopamine so its sort of a negative now. 

Why am I sharing this with you?  I want to hide and eat my midnight snack in delicious aloneness!  Don't get me wrong I am still fat, I am down from my massive three eighty nine but still at fat fuck levels.  Most don't even see it.  I want that to be part of it, I am not some person who once was a little think a long time ago I have almost always been a lard ass.  I use these words than are hurtful to me to hide my feelings a bit.  But I want anyone feeling like this to not feel like its coming from outside.  Some bullshit skinny person talking out there ass.  Saying crap like no excuses, they aren't living my life or yours.  That gets old some person wanting you to wake up and see you are living your life wrong.  Fuck that! 

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