Toy Review: Star War Hoth Imperial Attack Base

http://dev.bennage.com/blog/2011/10/17/blocks-and-playsets/

This was one of those toys in the star wars line that really had nothing to do with the movies.  It is supposed to be an imperial base, well there were no bases in the movie.  They just landed and kicked ass.  This is supposed to be the other side of the story.  The rebels coming in an kicking the snow troopers butts.  I guess some sort of wish fulfillment for kids since the movie was sort of dark.

The toy came with nothing so you had to provide all the figures. They came out with a bunch of these things for The Empire Strikes Back.  I think the ice was easy to sculpt and they were cashing out on stupid kids like me.  The thing was sort of cool i guess.  It had lots of actions that could occur lame as they were.  You could level the ice bridge and destroy the building .  There were a couple of places that allowed you to press a button and sent your figure falling over.  They barely stood up most of the time so a bit of plastic popping up on a rocker would send them flying. It was big though loads of plastic.  My friends and I played with it a few times, i used it a fair amount as an only child.  I guess that is the market for playsets as only kids have to do all the playing for themselves.

Toy Review: Rubber Band Board

http://preschool-daze.com/

I was thinking about reviewing Lite Brite but whats the point really.  Everyone knows Lite Brite is cool and what it is.  I went to a school called Laneview Elementary when I was a child.  It was over in the Berryessa region of San Jose, meaning not the best side of town.  There was a lite brite in some lab room but it was a pretty price toy for our side of town.  What we had loads of were these Rubber Band Boards.  They are basically a board with rows of nails.    They allow you to make patterns with rubber bands.

I remember these being used when talking about basic geometry for the most part, but I suspect any time the teacher was tired they were busted out.  I loved them though i never could figure out the start snowflake pattern i was trying for.  I think being a introvert I didn't rush up and demand all the rubber bands I needed to transfer my vision to board.

All in all a lot of fun and probably more fun these days as a simple wood working project would be really adventurous for kids and parents these days.

De Profundis: An Exotic Evening

My fellow gentlemen

The acts participated in Crowleys rites are both foul and depraved.  Barring the haunts that have troubled my residence I would deem his coven nothing more than a love cult.  Couplings unnatural occurred before my eyes! My dismay served more a drool amusement to the patriarch of these affairs, Crowley himself.

The eve began banal in contrast to the events that would follow.  A meeting of various parties discussing the goings of the day.  The wine was pleasant, though Tuscan, and the open grove of trees where this transpired of mild temperament.  A dinning table awaited the quests set with fresh fruit acquired from exotic shores, displayed in a show of opulence.  This was all very unexpected after my visit to the low quarters Mr. Crowly maintained, and I expect a farce of wealth.  The other participants bore the manners of the well breeding and family money.  Though this can also be said of Crowley himself.

The dinning was the first sign of the direction the night would turn.  Many exotic meats were arrayed before me, but most peculiar was a live macaque held in an elaborate wicker box which served to restrain the animals head.  Guest were invited to smash open the poor animals skull and partake of the still warm brain flesh.  I did not indulge myself of these delicacy, faining myself an anti vivisectionist as advised by Mathers. 

This served to only well Crowley's interest.  He grew almost physically excited with my further revealing my chastity as the evening progressed.  His interest at first seemed the yearning to see me defile myself in his revelry, but I began to understand he saw me as a rare tool that could be used.  For what I can only conjecture.

I followed one couple whom left early claiming a weakness to the night air and fearing a chill.  My escape now finds me awaiting Mather and Yeats return to my residence.

Yours very truly
J.L. Reichl

Toy Review: Gi Joe APC

http://www.yojoe.com/vehicles/83/apc/

This was another big goofy toy my mom got so she wouldn't have my toys laying around.  This is a toy troop transport ala 40k's Chimera.  As a toy its pretty much phoned in.  You can just drive it around and sort of point the turret at things.  I am not even sure it had the awesome action trailer hitch that the Vamp and Mobat did.

The things was designed to hold tons of figures.  There is seating positions and standing pegs for several figures.  Which would be cool for someone old enough to really take care of their stuff, I just held the thing by the handle/bumper and tossed all my figures in.   I mean when you mom is pissed at you for making a mess are you really going to place all your figures in carefully?  Really compared to the collectors display case this is very cool as its sort of a toy i guess.  I should have had some sort of compartment to hold  guns and backpacks but that was a minor oversight.

Krampus for Christmas part 124: Clean up part 5

Days later Krampus made a special visit to a special house on his list; the kids and parents that had for many years been missed.  The monster hoped for some hint of redemption but expected to see none.  He hunted through the trash for evidence, even more angry when he was done. Candle carousel angels picked out and thrown with the junk, peering in he saw the now unheavenly toy spinning on a trunk.  Krampus watched not knowing what to do; it would take some time for his vengeance to be through.

Krampus clawed at the windows menacing the kids, in terror looking outside, Krampus cast only a shadow monstrously whilst he hid.  Later scrapping glass with hideous huge claws, children fled in horror waking parents to inform the law.  The Beast disappeared for a moment; hoping their mad parents would do his work.  But these were the sort that didn't spank bad children, you know the type, jerks.  Well tucked in with water, told it was only dreams; Krampus smiled in their windows delighting in their screams.  They made Dad check for prowlers all through the yard.  Krampus left a present that Daddy stepped in runny not at all hard.  Garden hose washing his foot proved to be a chore, He didn't notice our monster slipping in the door.  The next morning the house was a mess, Krampus had out done himself but it was only a start I must confess.  Stockings were filled with gifts no one liked, the monster had disassembled the kids new riding bikes.  Krampus sat on the pillows without any shorts. It would give you pink eye and probably warts.  Then he stopped up the sink and let the water run.  He saw it once in a movie and thought it would be fun.  He places a fair angel at the top of the tree, a dazzling heavenly beauty for all to see. To the carousel Krampus returned the angels rescued from the trash. Finally leaving he threw open the door with a crash.

Even with lessons some folks don't learn and sooner than later another visit was earned.  Krampus again waited deep in the night, to catch the family in solstice eve’s delight.  This time he took the chimney breaking it apart, then bursting in like Santa only evil and dark.  The fire cracked with a bright Krampus plume then burning logs flew into the room.  Idunn watched from the sidecar of the cycle outside; using a few blankets to keep warm and hide.  She laughed at the screams emitting from the home and the cracks and crunches of Krampus breaking their bones. She wasn't vicious or at all mean, but she rooted for Krampus she was part of his team.  She didn't really understand what it was she saw, but cheered for the monster with a giant foam paw.

Krampus cackled grabbing the boy, taking a bite for his ear with pugilistic joy.  Next he grabbed the girl caning her ass, this year she had been a bitchy condescending young lass.   Daddy was punched and knocked out his wind; Mommy took a switch right in the end.  Their phone list at last Krampus took, to visit their friends according to the book.  Lastly Krampus set up a manger then strolled out the door, after all it was the reason Christmas was for.  Again in the yard Krampus places a Christmas scene; with Jesus in nativity all glowing in saintly sheen. Mary and Joseph stood nearly four foot tall.  Hand carved by Krampus not the crap you get at the mall. The beast was Bavarian and woodwork in his soul. Even Santa elves would be proud of his toil.  Lights shone like a beacon calling onlookers there.  To wonder at the jolly house and the Christmas in the air. He stole a donkey and a couple of merry pigs, corralling them in the yard quit impressive digs.  Idunn helped with the outside manger scene.  Then she and Krampus road off after making sure they were not seen.  Hopping on his bike and kick starting with a jerk, the neighbors would soon behold their work.  Fleeing the scene the monster smiled proud tearing off with the motor running loud.  Krampus made sure to get her back to her bed. Approving of her work with a pat on the head.

Krampus held a few managers in a hole for a few weeks.  It was dark with spiders and long ago started to reek.  The monster whipped them every few nights, those the only moments they saw light. In a meeting they decided no party for the Yule, the reason; the economy had been very cruel.  Wisely giving themselves a raise for all the money they had saved. None thought of spending their own dime.  The workers would understand, they would be fine. They denied a small Christmas thanks, a crime Krampus thought rank.  This wasn't charity it was earned and Krampus's monstrous fury burned.  The Beast rounded up the villains.  Lashing entitled asses until blood was spillin.  One soiled himself for which Krampus took a kidney, mailing it overnight to a dialysis patient in Sydney.  Some nights the monster tied one to the rack, other times he beat one in a sack.  But every night taking time to explain the cause and reason for their pains. Those who worked hard seldom received thanks, all while these scum moved up through the ranks.  Their rise was on others backs; people with skill something all of them lacked.  The beast told Christmas was already earned in the year.  It was already due he shouted in their ears.  Krampus grabbed a fat one by the tie and decked him hard in the eye.   

Every now and then Idunn came along, Krampus let her swing the whip but she wasn't very strong.  Even the captives thought it was cute, a nice reprieve from the brute.  She was too little to crank the rack, even to see she had to ride on Krampus back.  The monster worried a little the girl may go bad, boy Santa would be really mad. But he was happy and didn't worry of lists and continued lancing the evil managers like infected cysts.  Krampus always made sure Idunn was safely home, and then returned to his backyard to argue with the dog over a bone.  The worst of his work he saved when the girl was away.  That's when the beast really got to play.  Breaking arms and cracking ribs; even forcing them to listen to music of the brothers Gibb.  He saved most scorn for one named Rajesh a petty tyrant who said his team thought he was the best.  The bastard risked his neck for none always looking out for number one.  He would never have thanked even when due, that piece of crap went into Krampus's stew. The rest he released after much beating.  Some he even forced them to partake in the stew eating.  They ran home looking over a shoulder all the way and did better at Christmas the rest of their days.

Toy Review: Hot Wheels Garage

http://imremembering.com/post/23049799586

This was something I ended up with because my mom was sick of my toy cars being all over the place.  It was a little car centric shopping center that folded up to hold a bunch of your cars.

Looking at the picture I have no idea what the grey thing is but the tan city is what i am talking about here.  It was pretty fun with a little car wash that you could run your cars through, its the orange roofed structure in the picture.  There was a filling station and a couple of garage doors to go in and our of .  A car park and a nice ramp to run your cars down.

I remember being excited and let down because this was packaged with the smokey and the bandit fire bird.  A car all my friends were looking for and seemed to disappear quickly.  While it did come with a fire bird it was blue with light blue bird on the hood.  Not the black with yellow bird that everyone was looking for.  It was a kick in the balls for a kid expecting the ream McCoy.  Who knows it probably it the rare one now that everyone tries to get like the tall blue Snaggletooth.

Krampus for Christmas part 123: Clean up part 4

The neighborhood was alive with folks wandering about.  All singing to each other most sounded as if pained by gout.  With all the caroling and shopping Krampus paid a visit to the mall.  The monster loved carols but the singing left him appalled.  For Krampus plans a lone monster was too few for the task; so he rounded up young men and gave each a mask.  They all had furry suites, chains and a bell.  Now Krampus had an army of Krampusse to raise a little hell.  The monsters stormed the Spencer's and Orange Julius stores; spanking all the maidens dressed up like little whores.  The young children for the most part were spared, but if they weren't their parents wouldn't have cared.  In line for Santa they were mostly brats and deserved a few swings from the Krampusse's bats. When Security finally came Krampus gave a call and the band of shaggy outlaws fled the mall.

Fleeing Krampus spied Idunn in line, waiting for Santa her parents glowering from behind.  The little girl's smile lighted her parent’s gloom, Papa stepping between the beast and Idunn.  Krampus smiled a fang filled grin then knocked over a big trash bin.  Her parents wondered, looking down at the little girl.  Mommy nearly fainted when Idunn's smile started to curl.   Mommy was about to ask how she knew the giant brute, just then the elves hauled Idunn up to the fat man in the suit.  Claus asked what she would like and posed for a pictures.  Then he offered her parents advice to reign her in stricter.  Santa gave Idunn a cane and hustled here away.  He said he would see her soon on Christmas Day.  Glancing back Santa gave her a wink.  He knew Krampus too Idunn started to think.

Back to the furry gang Krampusse all were on the run.  Each headed for an exit after a little fun.  Knocking over displays with choruses of merry shouts.  Krampus himself laid a store greeter out.  He called to Krampus "Happy Holidays" and the monsters attitude took a turn for the worse.  For Krampus no other Christmasy greeting was worse.  Our monster had put only Christmas in his evil heart and of other holidays he was determined to have no part.  Sure Krampus remember all the ancient traditions of times gone and old.  He often mistook Santa for Odin if truth be told. He remember time before it was called Christmas, the wintry Yule. Before he was reined in by Santa, Krampus was even more cruel!

The gang broke into the movie house interrupting the show.  It was something about Pine tree Vermont hoping it was going to snow.  The monstrous band lashed the crowd howling for their blood.  Krampus mauled the Mayor, he was known for graft and sling of the mud. The Krampusse devoured the concession stand even if the popcorn sort of stale. Glass and candy was scattered on the floor.  Everything gone, Krampus smiled contently upon the gore.  It was a gala night before the carnage came, now the rich of the splendid town lay broken and in pain. Krampus knew most were crooks and got what they deserved.  He was happy for the Jolly backdrop on which his vengeance was served.  It was the sort of night to be spoken of for years.  Krampus would swell with pride when he felt a burning of his ears.  His band of krampusse he freed on the unsuspecting town.  Heading off to sleep in a cap and long night gown.

With Christmas a few weeks away, Krampus was up with the first light of day. The big monster thought of the little men working in Santa's shop.  Once he tried to help but the fat man told him to stop.  Krampus wasn't an elf nor good with his hands but Krampus helped charity in ways only he can.  In big toy stores all filled with Christmas rush; Krampus encouraged shoppers donate or blood would gush.  At Christmas “Toys for Tots” left out a bin, Krampus made sure everyone tossed a couple toys in.  The monster didn't talk or say a word, just swished his switch lightly the message clearly heard. A couple of teenagers tried to sneak by they were unhurt mostly, just a blackened eye.

One night Idunn trotted up with an unwrapped toy, the monster cracked a little smile to the girls bounding joy.  Her parents hurried off worried Krampus may eat her, but Idunn knew there was no reason to fear.  The hulking brute had grown fond of the girl. Idunn and he would talk over the fence all hours of the night, and then she would climb through her window quick as a squirrel. Idunn leaving the beast for her soft warm bed; Krampus to his dog house that didn't cover his head. Idunn's parents wouldn't understand; if they knew these nightly visits would be banded. 

The little girl gone, Krampus again enforced the rules.  Krampus thought of charity important for the Yule.  The store stood on the classy side of town; He didn't target the poor for this Christmas shake down.  All had plenty to give or got the whip, it was funny how the richest usually ended with a fat lip.  Krampus looked over toys in the bin, somewhat ambivalent it was hard to read his grin.  Too few gifts for the older boys and girl, Christmas wasn't easy for the older orphans of the world.  No music players or big kid bikes, but plenty gift for the smallest of tike's.  Krampus stalked about the isles, tossing toys into unsuspecting carts, and then instructing shoppers where to donate with a menacing smile.  Shoppers complied in fear, buying music players or losing their ears.  The monster ordered one suited man to buy up video games or face his wrath.  He bought out the store earning the beasts approving Laugh. Near closing time Krampus appraised the haul, smiling happily the bins filled all.  He could go home his work complete, next year maybe he and Santa couple compete.  Many kids would have a happy year, now it was time for Krampus to make the others tremble in fear.

This time of year the Ahwahnee hotel held a fine Christmas feast, and all the medieval merriment called to the beast. The dining room was decorated so festive it glowed.  All in the theme of a Christmas at Bracebridge hall of old.  Some sort of artist had organized the first dinner, many years back when Krampus was much thinner.  The monster visited in the dark of night, knowing his monstrous site would cause a fright. He peered in through the windows cracking as sash, and dined on left overs and trash. He enjoyed the evening it was all so fun, but where was the terror. Of fear there was none.

The peacock pie had been served to one and all when Krampus burst from the window and stormed the hall. He battered the house keep and flattened the Lord of Misrule. All the fancy dinners would remember this Yule. He grabbed a banker and gave him the lash. Buggering his wife with a rod made of ash.  Krampus tore at a tuba player and wrapped brass about him like a bow.  The monster preferred guitar, this was a critique of the show.  Pipers and players neither were spared, Flutes rammed down throats and up other places; you would have glared.  His hoof smashed tables shattering plates, if you love carnage you'd say it was just great.  Blows felled a bus boy like a tree; he was embezzling from the bar.  Krampus's switch lashed the evil, them running near and far.  Then beast was on them with a mighty bound; whips and cries a musical sound.When all the nice banners lay broken and torn, Krampus flew away his welcome having grown worn. A last look Krampus surveyed the damage with delight. Hooting and hollering a menacing "Grus vom Krampus" into the night!

This late In the season Krampus loved to bake. His were the worst inedible ill flavored sort of fruity cakes. Krampus delivered them to the neighbor's doorsteps with a toss.  Some shattered across the lawn but the monster wouldn't mourn their loss. Cake broken windows were none of Krampus's concern.  He did the same thing last Christmas and the neighbors really should have learned.  The cakes were hard and really not for eating; more a friendly seasons greeting.   Krampus didn't shell the nuts just leaving them in for a surprise.  To some he added bolts and hot wheels you should have seen the kiddies eyes.  In January the dentist fixed many teeth, he was so grateful he often sent Krampus a wreath. 

Krampus's cookies tasted vaguely of frogs.  No one dared eating them not even local dogs.  He pumpkin bread alone was delicious and that he didn't share.  We only knew of those from the mouth watering smell dangling in the air.  The monster always had Figgie Pudding waiting on the boil.  He dumped it on carolers leaving them flame broiled.  Krampus often baked in coins despite the cost.  They were a choking hazard several lives were lost.  Then came the mincemeat flavored pie, though it wasn't meat and Krampus wondered why.  The beast added tripe to make it true to name, the few who ate it wondered who was to blame.  The pies were horrid terrible foul; left on doorsteps when the Beast did prowl.  Once Krampus had added candied apples to a church bake sale, they were infested with worms, also pretty stale.  In the caramel glaze they looked fine, but after a few bites kiddies retched and whined.

His neighborhood baking was the talk of the town, spoken in hushed whispers with a grim frown.  Few knew Krampus the beast lurked; they thought the food from a prankster jerk.  Only Idunn watched the monster bake, Krampus in a hair net for cleanness sake.  The girl and monster chatted through the fence, Krampus making cookies full of mince.  They shared some of his pumpkin cakes; it was the only tasty dish of all he makes.  Idunn even helped deliver the treats late one night.  She crept out late even through knowing it wasn't right.  For the most part Krampus's cooking was not enjoyed; just another Christmas sorrow for all the girls and boys.

A couple of days later Idunn and the monster left their houses late in the evening.  Krampus had a special treat that needed seeing.  Krampus and Idunn wandered the in wonder all through the park; even though all was turned down and dark.  The Little scenes of Christmastide, all laid still long past closing time.  The beast looked on smiling at how with no people no peddlers it got Christmas right.  In rain lights shined on the roadway all looking lonely in depth of night.  With the power on elves hammered out toys in a sweatshop for the good girls and boys.  Reindeer trotted in a stable each in a stall.  These were ancient animatronic Christmas scenes once owned by the mall. Some new others old and dingy, they should be cleaned but the city was stingy.  Idunn happily squealed the about the virtues of every scene, the girl so happy Krampus smiled not the least bit mean. She shouldn't have been out this late.  Certainly not with a monster, but she thought it was great. He parents had taken her, at day to see the park, but now it had a new magic, with a monster, in the dark. A forest of lighted trees decks by local rotary clubs; shined merrily lighting the way to local pubs.  Of all Idunn liked the little Noah's Ark, she said it was the best of the whole Christmas In the Park.  The monster smiled remembering the traditions start.  A gift from the cities mortician, the irony was not lost in Krampus's heart. 

These late hours the sausage stand watered Krampus's maw.  He found a few left over links in a can with trash and straws. Idunn said no when Krampus offered a bite, the beast wanted her to eat but she put up a fight. the chilly air gusts were odd for a city of the bay, and drop of rain sent the pair on their way. They left wind rushing through Krampus's hair, upon an old motorbike sidecar equipped for flair.  Idunn huddled wrapped up with a giant helmet on top.  She shouted with joy at Krampus with every stop. On through the houses alight with Christmas light bulbs shining against the night.  He turned down unknown streets to see houses made up with zeal.  Most streets had but a few but one street he stopped skidding with a squeal.  All the houses even the trees shined out blanketing the scene in weight.  Krampus eyes shone thinking the view was great. Like new fell snow drooping down every bough! When Idunn saw she gasped a great big wow! This was a street to remember and check in on again.  Then they rode off Krampus with his new found friend.

A couple of nights later the sirens wailed as Krampus cackled through the night; speeding through the city finally the last of the cop cars disappeared from sight.  The chase started and was over quick the monster on his motor bike along with Saint Nick.  The police saw a monster on the bike and gave chase.  Santa didn't want to be seen with Krampus and hid his face.  Claus was setting loose Krampus on a kid from the mall.  While visiting Santa the brat screamed and kick Santa in the balls.  These were the nights Krampus loved his Christmas work.  When Father Christmas wasn't being such a goody goody jerk.  The monster enjoyed righteously beating kids.  Santa directing the punishment based on who much bad they did.

Under the cloudy sky Krampus spied on the house from afar, Santa all the time hid in the motorcycle sidecar. The stockings were hung and they watch the fire crack merry, unaware they were being stalked by someone quit scary.  A Cloven hoof kicked in the door and the family gasped in horror.  The children shrieked dropping presents and candy.   The monster grabbed the boy and looked at the mother somewhat randy.  On orders, Santa said not a mark, so Krampus beat the bastard with a bag of oranges and tan bark.  After the child moaned in a pulp he looked up at the mom and she gave a loud gulp. The cop cars were her release, who knows what she would have done with the beast.  The pair rode off after the damage was done. Krampus smiling, he thought it had been fun.  They made their way to another house later that eve.  Krampus consulted with Santa if the mystery house should get a reprieve.  The pair looked in wondering what the family was about.  The tree was decked out as if nothing was ajar, except the top had no angel not even a star.  Presents were nestled under the tree with care, in the hopes that the winter solstice would soon be there.  They wondered why the family pretended through the Christmas Yule.  Maybe they thought denying their kids presents was far too cruel. 

Santa remembered the Parents from when they were tots.  They were good but their Christmas lists demanded a lot.  The children Santa had never visited before, and Krampus didn't remember leaving them in gore. Something was wrong they thought on the matter.  Krampus would investigate while Santa ate cookies and got fatter.  Claus left the issue to the beast and Krampus considered them a future feast.  They left knowing Krampus would be back.  The monster was already planning his attack.

Toy Review: Gi Joe Cobra A.S.P.

http://www.yojoe.com/vehicles/84/asp/

This is one of the worst toys from the Gi Joe line, which makes it perfect for Cobra.  It has a goofy snake theme and is basically a lump of plastic.  I guess it would be some sort of anti aircraft gun in "Real Life" but here its a piece of crap.  You didn't even get a figure with this.

It serves as something to be towed by your H.I.S.S. tank as it actually has a trailer hitch so i guess that was the reason it was made.  The guns and cock pit swivel 360 degrees on the base and lifts up so that your figure is in a more or less standing position.  This gives it a bit of a hooded cobra look which i think may be the only thing I liked about this thing, being slightly comical.  The wheels and stands can alternately snap into position allowing for towing or sitting around doing nothing.

Sorry I bugged you for this Mom and Dad.  I hope the gandkid made up for it.

Krampus for Christmas part 122: Clean up part 3

The monster was busy deep into the night, beating on bad kids windows to set them right.  He rounded up gangs of drunks to sing and wassail.  Krampus hired lone left out teens sending them to malls to assail.  They dressed like the monster looking for fun, grabbing pretty girls and then would run.  Krampus made sure Christmas included these punks, no one should be left out alone in a funk.  With much menace sewn Krampus tired headed home.  Content in his handiwork the beast stalked the streets alone.  With his wandering Krampus finally came upon a house that wasn't on his list.  Nothing on the good nor the bad; how were they missed.  Those who didn’t keep Christmas were safe from the monsters wrath, the monster would wish them a happy Kwanzaa and continue on his path.  But this house had a well decked tree, Krampus peered in wonder who could it be.  Looking in at the lights and winter decorating theme; Krampus looked at the family within the scene.  The kids Krampus didn't know both new to his eye.  But the parents the monster remember from times gone by. Krampus had visited the parents when they were young, visiting them more when their teenaged years had begun.  They had just sort of fallen off the lists many years ago.  Some decided Christmas was malarkey that had to go.  It seemed to be happening more with each passing year.  Soon there would be no kids to eat was a growing fear.  But there was a tree standing proud and tall.  This troubled Krampus he would need to bay Saint Nick a Call.  Were they back on the list and Krampus not up to speed, a better message system than reindeer was sorely in need.

It took three buses to get to the Mall. Then Krampus waited and waited in an employee bathroom stall.  Sometime after close the jolly elf entered with a tired groan, taking the stall next to Krampus's own.  Krampus got Santa's attention with a few bangs and a knock.  Thinking himself alone it gave Santa quite a shock.  Whispering Krampus told the tale. Santa promised to look into it without fail.  The beast was lucky the real Santa was working the mall near his home.  The neighbor didn't let the big beast use his phone.

Krampus walked home Hungry and confused.  Only thinking of grabbing a late night snack left the monster a little amused.  The air was a light drizzle and his sneaker had a hole.  Still a little foul weather would not stand between Krampus and his goal. The monster peered in windows for something to eat.  If not bad kids maybe a little spoiled meat.  The streets on this side of town looked sad and shabby.  The people too weren't Christmasy bur instead sort of crabby. Christmas wasn't always very fun for folks looking for money and finding none.  Even Krampus didn't feel a need to make these peoples season worse. Krampus caught a ride to the rich side of town in a hearse.  Krampus gave them loads of business this time of year.  The morticians were all glad Krampus was here.  They dropped him off in a better part of town, Krampus departing without a sound.  Around the houses Krampus crept silent like a cat. None of the bad kids were big boned or fat. Only grisly chauffeured little jerks.  Krampus wanted a double deck kids sandwich with sauerkraut and the works.   The only porker was kind and jolly, a delightful little fatso named Pauly.

Tonight Krampus would be forced to make do,  with a scrawny back talking bastard or two.  Down the chimney?  No not his style he kicked in the door with a smile. He told the parents what he was about and usually they handed the truants over without a shout. This time was different this time was fun; dad fought with Krampus and told the kids to run. It was odd pops was valiant when his kids rotten eggs. Sometimes even good parents end up with the dregs.  Krampus ran off from the fight, laughing and cackling into the night. Children were tasty but sausage was too and Harry's Hofbrau was open almost until two.

Some nights later after his rounds to the bad kids of town.  Krampus was tired and sore and very run down.  Sad of spirits out monster needed a drink.  Down to the corner to the lowest of dives all dark and full of beery stinks.  Here the monster was warm and the place full and merry.  Krampus ordered himself twelve Tom and Jerry's.  Slowly getting plastered the rest of the night.  Singing with the bar Christmas songs of childhood delight.  The beast stayed until last call and got one for the road to end it all.

They spilled upon the street couples and gangs and some singles lonely with heartbroken pangs.  Krampus was leaving when he heard a woman's words spoken in fear.  No granny or Lady's need worry when Krampus was near.  Down a dark alley a date ended poorly.  The girls No's changed the monsters mood sorely.  With a bound Krampus sprang to see what was the matter.  A woman pushed a man away while he pawed at her.  High on Christmas vengeance Krampus made the man bite the curb. Then a swishy switching along with screaming was heard.  Once twice the whipping was strong and even like the tide.  The villain wouldn't be sitting after the tanning of his hide.  Long after the beating he left with the lady, clinging to his arm.  She laughed and was happy despite herself from Krampus's ample charm.  Leaving her at her doorstep but asked to call again, nothing serious just to check on his new friend.

On some nights Krampus just watched TV by the fire at home.  Though usually a fire he set and the house not his own.  Our monster wasn't above arson to watch a favorite show and they only play A Christmas Story a few times you know.  Krampus was happy for Whoville when good turned the Grinch.  He thought Charlie’s sad little tree would do in a pinch.  The monster chimed along so angels got their wings.  He even watched a Cailliou Christmas though he hated the thing.

With a fire still blazing the cops came sirens singing loud.  Krampus lingered a little longer than he should watching Rudolph fly so proud.  A copper caught him in the head with a billy club; knocking out the monster like a little cub.  It took three officers to load Krampus into their truck.  Krampus came too smelling horses and muck.  Locked in the beast sadly howled; joined by a chorus of dogs returning he yowl. 

The cops led Krampus through the station thinking him a bum.  He would remember this for coal in the stocking each and every one.  Once Santa chained the Krampus but police shackles wouldn't work.  The monster tore them apart with the smallest little jerk.  All the papers filed they led him to a cell, it was wet and cold and he didn't like the smell.  But in Krampus went and didn't even yell.  Some hours later Krampus ripped off the door. Being quiet and listening for the Sargent’s snore. Krampus crept out on a soft padded foot; but sometimes with a cloppy clop coming from his hoof.  His jail break was a success no thanks to old fat Saint Nick.  He may have been his partner but sometimes he was a prick.   Krampus walked home sneaking all the way, Get back to his little house a few hours before light of day.

The morning after his incarceration Krampus prowled about the yard.  He thought of Ms Deroon whom he saved at his local bar.  She worked at the school a mile down the road.  If Krampus put her on his own naughty list no one would know.  School was still in session but the monster didn't care.  Love on different schedules never was fair.  Krampus broke down the door, storming into the room; throwing over a table which landed with a boom!  Some kids fled in terror others shrieked in fright.  It was only Idunn who squealed in delight.  He gave only a glance bounding toward Miss Deroon.  He hefted her up and sprang from the room.  To the window tearing up the sash, it exploded with a crash.  Miss Teacher had been bad and Krampus had the cure. It was a punishment she would enjoy, of that be sure.  It wasn't the date she envisioned after Krampus saved her at the bar, but it was one she liked more by far.

The teacher rolled over throwing an arm over the brute; it was a wild night there was to be no refute!  Miss Deroon stroked Krampus's furry chest, her night with the savage monster had been her best.  Clothes cast about the room or torn into shreds, she wondered if she'd need a new bed.  She happily laughed with Krampus stroking her hair in his paws.  For a monster he was gentle never scratching her with his wicked claws.  Krampus tongue drooped out as it often did; she enjoyed this too under the covers where they hid.  Then the beast fried up eggs; breakfast was important to start the day.  With a hug and kiss they each were on their way.

The morning after the night with Miss Deroon left Krampus brooding stewing in gloom.  The incident with the tree didn't go as Krampus hoped.  He just couldn't scare this girl, away he moped.  She even cheered when the monster stormed her class.  Laughing and giggling when he took the teacher for his lass.  Where did this one get off being so brave, it was an insult the monster would take to his grave.  One little girl that liked the brute, now stuck with a friendship he couldn't refute.  Now instead of talking through she hopped over the fence; looking the beast eye to eye without even a wince.  She even helped hang the little lights.  A kid helping Krampus; boy Santa would laugh at the sight.  She liked Christmas too it’s something all kids do, but Idunn loved it like the beast.  Not only presents but the lights, tree, and feast.  She loved her family coming from near and far, even the uncle that lived at the bar.  She even have an eye for decking the halls, also she brought Krampus her mother's Christmas cheese balls. After being filled with treats Krampus didn't much mind this kid he couldn't eat.  She even had a nice backhand with the whip, good follow through and a solid grip.

After a few visits and some time, Krampus actually started not to mind.  Idunn helped and the beast had plenty to do.  He needed many more switches and a cane or two.  Without the girls help the work might never get through.  She even figured out what the record player was all about.  Idunn was too young and her parents didn't care for vinyl.  They hated those horrid hipsters that much is final.  But the girl treated the monsters records with a ginger hand, and thought his choice in music was perfectly grand.  Sometimes they even sang together changing the words, something about the bat mobile losing wheels I've heard.

When Krampus asked Idunn if she sent a list to Saint Nick; she decided she would just give it to Krampus it would be more quick.  She even asked if he could come down the chimney instead and eat up cookies whilst she slept in bed.  The idea was so sweet the monster started to blush, but being a big monster he was much too plush.  And so the Beast, Krampus, had made a friend.  This being rare for a monster he was loyal to the end.  He told Idunn of old Christmases untold; bringing the girl into Yule tides exclusive fold.  Krampus documented the long history of lights around the house, from Edison to general electric on through Westinghouse. Illuminating his secrets for decking the bows, giving her all the whys and how’s.  The monster even gave Idunn copies from his cooking book; though some called for awful ingredients it’s best not to look.  Idunn passed along to mommy those more plain.  Her mommy tried a few but her efforts were in vain. Krampus even once gave the girl a hug.  He was stiff and awkward squishing Idunn like a pug.  But she laughed and didn't once cry.  Krampus tearing up a little but said he had something in his eye.