This is Halloween

I had the pleasure of taking my daughter trick or treating last night. Its a really good experience to take her out and to see all the other people out on the streets. While we were out I noticed there were a lot fewer houses handing out candy than I remember as a kid. Another oddity was those who were giving candy usually had invested real time in decorating. One house I seriously considered giving the guy a time for the over the top decorations.

What I saw that I really loved was the the community coming together in ways that they just don't these days. I have seen a similar community spirit on streets that all do Christmas lights. I don't talk much to my neighbors, I don't have a feeling of street pride. It shouldn't be this way and it wasn't in years past. We should know the people we live next to, and shouldn't have the fear that is stopping kids from enjoying the season.

My friend is a haunter, he mentioned that his kids school won't use the word Halloween. And I know its dick lame when people wont say Christmas or attack us lighters. Usually is some hates everything traditionally western douche saying the drain on power isn't green in my case. I think its the Christian's pissed off about Halloween and people talking crap about Christmas in his.

Look people our nation is falling apart you gotta just drop it. Everyone needs to take a step back and realize your neighbors are the people you are gonna depend on some time in your life. If there is a fire, they are gonna call the fire department for you. If there is a flood you are gonna be shoveling sand bags with them. Build relationships with these people in the ways you can. I light my house for others peoples kids as much as my own. To be a good guest arrive with gifts and go with the flow. Be a good guest while you are here.

Krampus for Christmas part ugh more

What the little girl would see if she could see was the monster, in the garage, searching for boxes. Boxes of lights, boxes of bells. Boxes of garland. All amongst the rafters that were loaded too high. And the monster, we will call him Krampus it was his name, worked with monstrous hands at a string of Christmas lights all wadded up tight.

You see this was no ordinary monster, if there is an ordinary kind, but a Christmas monster and it suited him just fine. Maybe he whipped the wicked and thought bad children were delicious to dine, but he kept the Christmas spirit as they did in olden time. He never knew a humbug or was without cheer, well at least during Christmas time of year.

Even though it was too early, Krampus worried he was late, moving the calendar forward and circled the date. Many days and months, it was a long time away, but still Krampus worried and started working that day. Did I say it was still summer, it was you see. There was still Canadian Thanksgiving and Halloween to go, Veterans day an election, but Krampus thought about getting a tree.

Where does the time go

Be warm with joy as the day grows dark, be sure I'm thinking of you when I shouldnt be. Be kind and firm with our child and remember I would do anything for you both. Don't worry with your work it's only work, I'd help if I could. Be glad for little things, a free road is a wonderful thing. Be sure I'm happy to be home with you, I be there now if i could. Remember the simple days we had nothing but time to be together. Remember I love you

Trust

She cracks like a stone under the load that everyone and I have set her with. Its never been fair but she takes and doesn't complain even when stumbling. I come to help when she lets on there is pain but too often Ill decide not to see. Everyone everything and me are adding weight. I want to cut her free but I'm afraid that would mean getting rid of me and I'm scared. Failing her again and my promises are just words but I'm trying.

All About Us

When I was growing up the bridge over the freeway seemed like a crossing to another land. The shallow drainage creeks held dark passages of danger as they crossed under the highway. It was all secret and unseen or rewritten in my mind to be some sort of wonderful kingdom of forever autumn. All was freedom and even night held little sway. I didn't fear and there was little worry when I was gone late after dark.

But I fear this autumn land is gone and there is nothing for my daughter. I can't let her see streets as I have. There is no map only tales lite with the soft disappointment of her never being able to go.

Most of the time

I'm not drunk with longing that makes the words come easy. I'm not falling with a rush that steals my breath. The stars don't wheel around me or blaze in breaking joy. It's not all joy and wonder, But beyond that to something solid and real. My head is well above water and I see land in sight. It's a city beyond the city that is dreamed of past the edge of site. Memory isn't forgotten, but held precious tight. Perhaps again it will take me if the scarecrow speaks tonight.

Party Hard

Lunch was great today, Octoberfest at Harry's hofbrau. Really it doesnt get much better than sitting in the bar, on one of their wingbacks. I love the cool weather and overcast sky. I dont want to be a food blogger or just talk about random stuff from my day, but a good day is always worth comment.

I hope everyone can find something great about autumn and sing its praises. This is really my time of year, and I hope everyone else can enjoy it like I am.

Take an evening walk or roll down the windows on the drive home. just find something you love and go with it.

Green is the colour of her kind

I'm missing the last of the sun ripple through the trees, at a certain bend of the road. Just past the dam but before the second climb. Where the waters are gone and the woods are thick. It will be ripe with sage smell caught deep in the hills. It's not so far as the stand of houses across the creek or the long road to the radar tower. But I remember and its calling me like an echoing sweet of a day gone. But I remember.

Krampus for Christmas

A little girl watched the monster next door from a window and wondered. He was furry and clawed and had a hoof ,not two, and he was barbecuing in the neighbors backyard. He would be scary with his horns but he sang off key, as the radio played journey. Her Parents had said monsters weren't real, but here one was, grilling hamburgers.

She had watched the monster since her family moved next door. Afraid at first but curious each day a little more. he slept in a little dog house even though he was very big and stuck mostly out. The monster didn't make a mess and was nice to the dog. So the little girl wasn't concerned or astonished, but she knew something didn't seem right. He wasn't big foot or a yeti or even the Iron Maiden mascot Eddie. But he lived next door and none of her friends had a neighbor like him! maybe it?

The Monster was intent on his work and paid no attention to little eyes looking from the window. He just cooked and cooked, some for the dog and some for him but still more burgers than could have been et up by the two of them. While he watched the smoke trail away a dry and crumpled leaf fell from a mulberry tree. This wouldn't have meant anything to anyone any other day. But mattered and the monster muttered and left the hotdogs still cooking, walking away.

One Pill Makes you Larger One Pill Makes you Small

I take a fist full of pills a couple times a day. These are related to my transplant. Just to be informative of what the medicines are like to someone thinking of transplant I am going to talk about them.

Prograf and Cellcept are my immune suppressants. I have a hard time separating the effects of one or the other since I always take them together. I take these so I don't have a rejection of the transplanted kidney. The side effects of these are many. I can have a burning sensation in the tips of my fingers, though this has not happened in a long time. I have shaking of my hands at times. There is also a problem with concentration and I'll be damned if I don't always type homonyms wrong every time.

Prednisone is a steroid that I take for immune Suppression. I fucking hate this med. I makes you eat like a pig and have roid rage. Seriously I have come close to hurting people. I was a serious problem.

That leads me to Celexa which is an uptake inhibitor type med. Basically this is a happy pill. I take it because of the hulking out incidents I mentioned above. This gives me a few seconds before I get into the rage. Basically I am given the choice If I go Viking berzerker.

I also take something to prevent gout. Gout is a very common when you are on the other medicines above. Imagine an evil monster attacking your foot and you get an idea. I only take this when I have to. I won't go into the side effects but it rhymes with serious rectal bleeding.

There are some other meds for blood pressure but I had those before and don't see them as part of the transplant. Oh a weird thing has to happen before going to the dentist, I take a huge dose of ammoxocillin before each visit. Its a precaution so I don't get sick, really no biggy.

Well if you have questions let me know.

Cuts like a Knife

I am trying to be more active these days. Reviving the Blog from its torpor, but getting physically active as well. I think I come alive in the fall a bit. I don't know if its the association with the new starts of school or the weather just fitting my mood. But I am trying to be a marginally better self than I have been.

I hit the weights last night. Just starting really but its something. One thing that bugs me is I don't really know what to do. I started working out at the gym years ago. My friend sort of set up a routing there that took advantage of the machines around. Since I am doing free weights at home now, I am a little lost. I mixed up arms and chest last night, but I really want to have arms, chest and back nights. I have to get cardio in there too, which I hate.

For the writing I am taking a pretty light approach but I am trying to make sure I keep at it. Blogs live or die by post frequency. I just want to make sure I am producing enough actual writing as opposed to this.

Crescentstar Progressive Rock Score Card 5

Wrapped up in Powdered Wool is a line from a Genesis song called Cuckoo Cocoon. This is from The Lamb Lies down on Broadway. Fantastic record The song was definitely working on my introversion at the time. Feeling alone and the world was against me. I was looking for some escape.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBx-zjFHVT8



One of my turns this is the title of a Pink Floyd song from The Wall. Again i was definitely talking about having some dark thoughts and my outbursts at the time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foU3JXCKcBc



Never Let Go is the title of a Camel song. I think this comes from their self titled record in 1973. I don't know if the song really related to my writing at the time so much as I was listening to it a bunch at that time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbqaKyVEFjU



Viscous Battle Raps is a bit of fun really. Not anything that was touching my writing just a fun song and video. The song is from DJ Format's music for the mature B-Boy. I don't even know what a bboy is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbjyG6fvv3c




Build a little Birdhouse in your soul is They might be giants. I think there is something of the song buried in the piece but I don't know if i am against it or not. I like the band i think they are fun. I think that song comes off their Flood record
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAbZzdalZh4



Wither the song i was referring to is from Dream Theater's black clouds and silver linings album. I am getting more at the talking to people thing here trying to let it out, in my writing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBdVCLWluj4




I'd rather trust a country man than a town man, again we have a fragment of a genesis song off The Lamb Lies Down on Broad Way. The song is The Chamber of 32 Doors. I was listening to the song more than making it a big part of the meaning of my post here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcPeWrAAT6I


Jump well that's Van Halen from 1984 you know that. I was probably thinking of jumping of something high and just saying it. You have heard that song a 1000 times so I won't post a link. I actually like Van Hagar better anyway. Sorry i guess that make me a bad person.



Suedehead well that is Morrissey from Viva Hate. I guess i am getting at isolation of not being understood there. I find Morrissey pretty funny actually the Smith's too. I think of it as witty but I think there are people who may want to have heart break in their life to be more like the mans songs, wow that is so much effort.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JenlsnA9-mE



Do you like American Music is of course from the Violent Femmes. I think the record is Why do birds sing, at least that is what wiki says. I only know it from the radio. Its a fun song and I sing along in the car, even though i am not the sort of person who does that normally.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=32508423



Even Spaces is something that I have been listening to from Brian Eno and Robert Fripp. I wish i knew the record it is from. It almost sounds like something missing from my brain, and I am confused why those two guys have it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYvWTx6hQuk


Teen aged Spaceship is from a guy named Smog. Wiki says the record is called Knock Knock. I like the tones of the song and the harmonics more than the lyrics. Under the simple it has a depth that really shines.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JjjJfnAM7E


Getting to hope you like me, well i was just being goofy hear i think this is a kids song or something i really know nothing about it.

Wet Leaves and Smoke

Wet leaves and smoke are all we can see, when we try to pace lost laneways that make up me. If I wait a while to feel it come to place, it seems lost without a trace. If you held me or touched my hand the is not memory in this land. Sleep comes too easy when we only want to speak, i'm hoping for winter as all i feel is bleak. Daring to get closer I want even more.

Getting to hope you like me

I know this sort of forum is generally shouting into the sea. I have been thinking about facebook and the factors of many people using it. And I feel that there is an underlying narcissism that is driving social media. That is why I have tried to remain invisible behind the words. But many bloggers I have talked to have stressed putting something on the line. To develop a connection beyond the passing.

If you are music minded you will notice the titles of my bits are mainly songs or fragments of songs. They are usually less related to the material than they are things I have been listening to around the writing process. Because of this there is usually some sort of link in tone, as I have a difficult time listening to music that doesn't fit my mood.

A bunch of this crap is heavy metal or progressive rock. Sort of my go to listening choices. Post Rock has also been a much of what I listen to these days. I find it dark enough to fall behind my feelings. Well except for that Sigur Ros stuff that sounds likes like a music box and it's too full of tintinnabulation for me. Then you have goofy songs that appeal to me for no real reason than they do. I know Smog doesn't really work out on an Iron Maiden mix tape.

I will do another score card post and list where the music is coming from, so you have an idea of where I am at these days.

When I am not working or with my wife and daughter, I am screwing off on video games. If I could somehow get to all the stuff I dream up and stop just playing video games I would almost be an interesting person. If you want to stop on buy the DDO Khyber server and want to say hi, I am Svegrund. My garage if full of games I mainly collect and seldom play, I don't like that I want to play or should get rid of them.

Well I think that's it for now. Hey if you want to connect blogs let me know. I am going to try to figure out how I can link with my friends war gaming blog.

Teenaged Spaceship

Well i had a coworker who's brother was on dialysis and scared of getting a transplant. I wanted to say something on that and be encouraging of transplantation.

I have had bouts of nephritis since i was eleven, and was having declining kidney function. But it was pneumonia around my birthday in 1998 that killed off my kidneys finally. I was sick but kept going which was bad for someone with my precondition.

The doctors had me do the fistula operation pretty quickly, but I had a wait letting the access mature. This was pretty bad. I had a night where I assumed I was going to die right before dialysis. It was my anniversary actually, I remember we were staying in Monterrey and I was trying to stay up a much as I could while my wife was asleep. I thought that was going to be it if I went to sleep. So i stayed up watching U-Turn, it was heart warming. I passed out sometime after that but woke up eventually. I think i sweated out the toxins that night, I was waking up in pools of sweat all the time then.

They got me on dialysis a couple of days later saying no matter the access I needed to be on dialysis. My first run was pretty good actually I felt way better after it. I was able to work while doing the runs it was almost passing for a life. Then i got changed to a new unit that was a slaughter house. Someone died every month I was on dialysis there, it was pretty crushing. My parents visited me once I think that made up my mom's mind that she wanted to donate.

I forget when we started the transplant process but it seemed to drag on so slow. That was until Oct 2009 then it was like OK we are doing it. They made me get an extra run the day before the transplant and I was in the hospital in three days. It was pretty crazy being on dialysis day to day with no real idea of when the operation is and then bam! your in the hospital.

The night before I was pretty scared there was a bunch of stuff with antibiotics and immune suppressants. Being deloused with some crazy shampoo. Then they took my mom in at some point in the morning, I thanked her and she was out. I remember seeing my wife's family and then they wheeled me to the operating table around 11am. The drugs hit then I don't remember any thing until the next day. I guess the operation was 12-14 hours and wasn't easy. My mom had an extra arterial separation they didn't expect. I don't remember the recovery room just being in my room.

The first day after the transplant was the worst day of my life. I was in so much pain it was crazy. They gave me drugs every four hours and it would drop me for an hour, I would be OK for another hour then i would be in bad pain for two more hours. that was my day. Fuck the pain was beyond belief. I was a wuss before this now I don't even notice when I mess myself up. Seriously I accidentally drilled my finger with a power drill and it didn't hurt much. This day was terrible.

Day two really wasn't great but wasn't terrible. Bad days on dialysis were worse. I was still in pain but it was OK enough and the medicine did its job. I was getting up for walks that they forced me to take. Day three was good, I could get out of bed no problem and was getting around. Day four they gave me a banana! Been awesome since then.

I had to wear sweats for a month, I'm a jeans guy, didn't like that. But Denise would get me breakfast in the morning. Even today its really special when she makes that for me. She helped me so much during my recovery, taking me to the hospital all the time. You have to have your blood tested every day for a while then every other day. Now its a couple of times a year. I have my fistful of meds i take every day but other than that i am just like everyone else.

And that is pretty good considering dialysis.

Even Spaces

You know I am legitimately happy these days and not some blissful contentment that feels alien and hollow. This is real like these just are ok. Its almost Frith in that lift is just going on ok. I am working not too far away, i get to wear jeans everyday. Its the sort of day to day hard work for having enough that everyone deserves.

Do you like American Music?

Hey, I'm Jim, How are you doing? People want personal connection with their blogs these days so I guess I need to open up, which is not something I do very well. But here goes.

I am a guy in my mid to late thirties, I think you can tell music and video games are interests, at least if you have read this mess. I am a software QA engineer in my professional life and have worked all over silicon valley. I recently switched over from contracting to FTE and I am very happy about that. I like where I work much more than PayPal and the commute is way better than Obopay.

I have a daughter who takes up a lot of my time, she is 2 now. You can probably see a lot of posts before the last two years an not very many now, yeah that's her fault. I wasn't sure about having kids before she was born but I love her. If you don't like kids, maybe it will be comforting to her i don't really like them either but I love her.

I have had a kidney transplant and been on dialysis. My view point is very much altered after these events and I am pretty cynical about life. I was before too, just more now. I am happy to talk to people who failed, failing or transplanted kidneys. I am not into talking about it to healthies, you guys can screw off with your working organs.

I don't like to talk about politics, religion or the great pumpkin.

Well that's it for now, i think you can get an idea of who I am and where I am coming from from my writing, but I will try to update more like this.

Autumn Project 2

Ok I am no artist, I am just going out on a limb. This is part of my Autumn project which I have invited a few people to join in on. The idea is to do something with the theme of Fall. We started fresh on Thursday September 24th and go until early November. Since it can be of any medium I am trying a medium that I am not a master of, this is also to get people to give it a try that may not have.

Autumn Project 1

Endless summer nights are looking for an end
black winged flights rushing suddenly south
Night is settling softly down
brittle leaves cast off summers crown

Longing songs invoke the harvest breed
Last we spoke you were drowning in your need
first rains fell with your words
looking to the sky its all i heard

lights are burning now falling night
were inturing a summer of delight
all undone im driving on my own
toward the seaside all alone

Death of the Eagle

In the face of all these joys I will transcend today. Beyond the meaningless you imply with meaning I will transcend. Birthed of wings and dreams I will chase over the sea. Upon the land in elegant feline machines steeped in avarice. I will transcend the conquered mountains that lay at my feet. As my blood washes seventeen clean I will transcend.

Suedehead

I dont get it but I am more than people can handle. I start to mention what is going on and everyone tells me to shut up or ignores me. I could hold a gun to my head and I swear everyone would ignore me.

I know i have burned my wife out on this crap. I am trying to find other people to talk to. She has her own stuff going on right now. And I have been like this for years, i dont know if its even fair to her. She has heard it and I have said it to her for so long I am sick of saying it.

I start talking about the failures I have had trying to find a job to my dad and he says Oh stop that crap. Ok fine i guess im used to that from him by now. I just wanted an honest adult conversation and I tried to reach out. I know failure isnt something people want to discuss but its all I have in my pockets right now. I can't talk about my mom about it.

I mention some of my negativity to other people and they just shrug it off. How do i get people to talk about feelings that hurt them. Im just falling down a bit and wonder how I can get back up. What am I doing wrong, what have I done wrong. Am I the person I think I am. Am I any good at stuff, have I tricked myself into thinking I am competent. What is fair for me to hope, look for and expect out of life.

I guess the poetry has left my words, its all too desperate for any eloquence. Im so sickened now

Jump

When I think about the idea that there is a reason for all things... damn I must be pretty useless. Look at this new contract I am working. I just push buttons all day I could think but that just slows the job down. Is there someone here I am supposed to help? I wish they would make their need known, so I can do my part and leap like Scott Bakula.

I dont even get this place, they are paying me pretty well, but anyone could do this. I could have done it in highschool. Now I have a solid QA skill set and a desire to use my mind instead of turning it off. Get a 15 dollar an hour intern its a total win for them.

Give me a reason to be here please...I'm just hoping the next leap will be the one back home

I'd rather trust a country man than a town man

For a moment I felt that familiar bite of melancholy but then it slipped away, leaving me with this nagging contentment. It doesnt feel right at all, at least not on me. I struggle intellectually and in some since authentically, I mean it just feels like someone elses contrived happiness.

It's like I was sent to Fiddlers Green, istead of the Valhalla of Metal where Randy Rhoads ever plays lead with Piggy playing chords even God forgot. Phil and Cliff take turns a Rickenbacker bass. This should be my destined place. With passions poured ever over and enough need to fuel my art.

Instead I have another mans heaven a bright and shining land I have no idea how to walk.

Wither

I have been talking to a few people concerning my feelings of detachment and they say its either a state buddhists constantly try to obtain or my anti crazy med dosage is too high.

I think i am going to have to trust that the dialectic nature of things will bring me back around to myself sometime. But for active pursuit of my normal self i think i have two options. Go off my medications and listen to slayer until im pissed off again. Or two, If i miss motivation I must go through the motions of motivation. Pretend until I am not fronting. Actually now that I think of it Maybe if i denied myself everything I would come to want again.

I am not sure which of those is the best to persue, but the virtues say action is better than inaction.

Build a little Birdhouse in your Soul

Answers are not the desire of the seeker but instead the search. When truth comes without work it is unfulfilling, when it comes after a long journey the traveller is left without purpose. Direction dissolved what are you, being without intent. Moderation in all things even contentment, we are most ourselves with our longing. I do not recognize myself without my desire, will others? I can only assume I will return to me, though this casts away doubt it fills me with more contentment.

Vicious Battle Raps

Day two, Well i am still pleasantly unmotivated, I find myself questioning the motivation behind my need to do things. Many times I am motivated to become someone other than myself. I do not see a point following that course when I am content in self. Why do i seek to fulfill trivial needs and wants? What if I possess these things what would I be? Do i expect company if I own things enjoyable to people? Why call people with things when there are others willing to exchange their company for my own.

Most of what I see is desire to change self and have self affirmed by others. No one can build your self esteem other than you through works. Others can only hurt self if you give them that power. You are your own judge and executioner and attachment to things or other ideas of self only hold you back. Self will take care of its own desires, intellectuals read without desire, the kind give without thinking. There is no need to become something else, you are that or you are not.

Without emotion i miss my motivations. I think of myself moved by things and taking a direction, the is missing and i note it missing. I do not feel guilt or sorrow that it is gone

Never Let Go

I find myself having found a new feeling of detachment that is not unpleasant. I feel lost from my desires, people and place. It is new to be detached without sorrow. To be free from even a hint of need. I wonder how long it will last but I dont know how to live in this state, I say that without worry. It is as if I will eat only out knowing it is needed. It has been only a few hours since have been able to posit this feeling but it isnt unpleasant.

Some Sunday Evening

let me hold you and I will be happy for awhile. lets have our hands on each other like two people in love tonight. Can you yield to me when I kiss you? Can you be just mine and put aside your doubts if only tonight? Can we be free together late in the evening. Will you still hold me after we have filled our hearts til their breaking. Will you look at me long and not throw up a wall with you legs balled up between us. Will you fall asleep with your arms wrapped around me forgetting your fears as you come to rest?

One of my turns

Im going to say this as honest and simply as possible. Im not ok. I feel like I need someone to just say "I care about you. I'll come if you need me." Believe me I need you now, whoever you are. I feel like my failures are a burden to my family, I feel like even saying somethings fucked up here hurts them. Like Jim is having one of his turns again. heading home contemplating the silent freeway it gets worse, driving by a hundred rejections. When i get home its great with my wife and my girl, til it gets later and these feelings creep back in my head. Then i feel guilty even when they look at me, like I've been letting them down all their lives.

Why are you running away?

wrapped up in powdered wool

Honestly I feel like an island now, I am reaching out desperately at times and I don’t think people get it. It’s like I am speaking in a language no one gets. They recognize me and say hi the just hear me and look confused as they pass along. I’m passing along little coded messages that it’s not alright. I thought they might have the keys to decode what I am saying, after knowing me. I guess I have kept something back for so long that I cant throw open the doors when i'm in need. Too scared to be in everyones attention when i say "help me". Maybe its hubris i just dont want to be weak; but it seems like i have been telling everyone just how weak I am my whole life. Pan Pan,test for echo

Crescent star Rock score card 4

Watched by empty silhouettes.....peter gabriel...line from solsbury hill

cracklin' Rose ...Neal diamond..Song title

stargazer...Rainbow...Song from feel the rainbow i think

Peach Blossom and Bitter almond...Genesis... line from the broadway melody of 1974

chloe Dancer/ Crown of thorns ...Mother Love Bone....Song

Stranded starfish have no place to hide...Peter Gabriel...Line from The Flood

Men of station...Some Anticon project...Song title

Where the hell ive ended up on this glary random day...Ben Folds Five... line from evaporated

Disciples of the Watch....Testament...Song title

Cities in the Dust....Souixe and banshees maybe...song title

I believe when i fall in love with you it will last forever...Stevie wonder...song title

I believe when i fall in love with you it will last forever

I guess the need to write is welling up again. Strange how it comes and goes almost like an addiction, burning until you give in and then gone for a time. I almost beat it this time, but here I am timidly tapping out sentences. Maybe I am throwing myself in with all the passion of a new love, or one long lusted for that finally takes one slip.

I am going to do this and try to be as open as I can. Throw up some of the stuff I have long held back, not knowing where to put them. Scared they may be mocked.

Yell and prod me if more doesnt come along soon, I need as much pushing as I can get.

employed again

Hi folks

Well i am working again at Obopay. Go check it out

on a sudden storm

where once the sky broke bright now i only see claws and crows moving fast. Running with flags and ribbons herald dark the weather rushing upon the unsuspecting town. Bruised and Burn down the far off hills until it hold most of the sky it whispers words few are not scared to speak. Bringing a still that drives wings from the sky where they shudder and flop against a ground now dark. Birds scream and thrash calling forgiveness at airs that have rejected them. At last against sheltering glass comes the rain that drowns the day

On the traditional celebration of Leif Erikson's day

on the traditional celebration of Erikson's day.


The ninth of October the blackest day, for it is Erikson's day. Few hold the old ways but I speak them unto you. We wake to clean and brush out teeth as cleanliness has long been valued by the Nordic people. We hunger and so eat the tradition viking breakfast of Muslix harvest fruit, served cold in remembrance of the fjords. Again we brush our teeth, as stated above the Scandinavians are a very clean people. To finish our morning we dress. When choosing clothing denim and leather are especially esteemed fabrics, wrist guards or full leather bracers are considered core component of ones outfit. A broad sword or battle axe is the traditional compliment to ones outfit.

When performing ones duties during the day do not hesitate, mince or use caution; but be assured of yourself. Cut with a single stalwart chop. Take time to ponder the sea, gaze longingly upon it if you live near a port city. Fill your desires with excess and live this day to the full. Give but do not take, pay only with cash, coin or gold. Do not further or debts and pay them down if you can.


For the Norwegians and Swedes long connection to heavy metal, listen only to death or doom metal. Danes may consider listening to their kinsman King Diamond. Beat up your English friends a little unless they "God save us from the fury of the northmen!" Then buy them a mead. Give crude gestures to your local Columbus Day parade. At home decorated with two ravens placed by your door, not one not three not more. Cut ones hand and mark your door and windows with bloody runes. Burn a fish in offering to Thor. End the night in a drunken stupor after a metal show and call in sick the next morning.

These are the rites of Leif Erikson's day.

Aloysius Alone

It seemed night or near in the clouds and smoke to aloyisus perched above the city. lungs filled and failed; his watch wide eyed on flames wholey amazed. Soot encrusting his vision he wondered back to where it all start.

Some where long from friends aloyisus awoke on the road with little but himself. Full or fat he didnt need so he walked. In trackless seas of golden grasslands he strode or limped on tirelessly til night. Amid sunsets and now buzzing city lights Aloyisus watched Nicene's path ribbon through streets made perfect in her wake. Some days he would wander them for hours hoping; eyes gleamed full in melancholy on streets he dreamed she touched. Here held high watching ribbons slowly dissappear and the sublime sink into the real. If hours or weeks I could not say but Aloyisus beheld sorrow.

In these days Anglac was not found and even Haddibaugh lost, they would be about with time, but now Aloyisus alone. Nicene unseen he pitied and hated the city. Longing turned leaving again he was set to his feet. Down with the speed only weight pulls he stomped and galloped and ran until he was in the city and anonymus. Then just a shadow the people didnt want to see, he wandered til he found the creeks. Sunk low ebb and flow these veins of the city carried winter waters to a muddy sea but burnt dry they harbored Aloyisus and carried him on. Across his valley in meer breaths he stopped moments to set free things he loved and close up his home. Few things kept and again set upon the road.

R.I.P.E.G.G.

Now stop and remember and dream;
far from cynicism when you were young .
Who told us with wide wonder
The stories of the age?

Lives stronger, kinder, better,
you lived long nights bold
In tales a master weaving
That held off your own needing

Tomes now are silent
That once kindled all delight
Mourn with me old joys passing
and a masters passing light

In your age was he forsaken?
Mocked with selfward spite.
Now you wear sardonic guises
ill fit that always hang like a lie

Slip off this veil; return my friend to me
Drink in joy, foolishness and sorrow
Hold the old master up with honor
Relive again lives he taught us to dream

A Piebald Horse

Ribbons red, blue and gold sewn and wove through the mane of Anglac's courtiers steed. Here all slender and grace mulled in winter morning still fragile. Aloysius upon a piebald horse matted and awash with mud followed. These times little they spoke, each reading and read the other as if brothers. On pestilent vales this went hours into hours til eastward hills were well in sight. Southward on climbs that oversaw a smokey city watching with some scorn. Amid orchards the manors held by Aloysius family waited them and many more.

Grey and cold wanders in and unsure night somehow fleeting and uncommitted to the land. But with hours lamps are lite and strung in leaf barren trees. A wind would wash up driving branches like a fist shaking in the air. And the two road mindless of gales rattling windows on well wooded streets past in wordless hours. Anglac's hair wild rushed with the gusts and lashed, where it was always in place. Aloyisius's a mild mess as always smiled headlong into the weather. Now it would not be long.

Cities in the Dust

Some hours finally left me alone;not the unwished solitude so easy these latter hours that saw my city yeild to duty, but removed and unweighted by the day. Long from the sun perception came before judgement brotherhood born before strife. Light seemed limited yet broke hard on empty seats. measuring out my missing companion in longing and leaving afterglow in green and grieving. Irrigation hissed alive in streets where night insects chanted diabolic hymms. This seems where I begin unaligned from lies and compromise monolithic of the waking day

Disciples of the Watch

Recently I have decided to become an fraternal order such as the elk. Not that have actually signed up or even know how I would go about joining. So if a random stranger asks I may consider it; I guess is the take away point here.

Perhaps you are wondering why an antisocial loner such as myself would be interested in the elks or moose. The answer my friend is gaming space. Lodges are closing left and right due to lack of attendance, that means loads of open space going to waste. Once I join and indoctrinate my fellow gamers we will own the place. All we need is a couple of back rooms and we would happily pay dues to be left alone. We already have our own conventions and more than a few funny hats.

Those sceptical will perhaps need more proof of concept. Some years back the Conquest convention was held at Ricky's Hyatt with annex space coming from the Elks Lodge. Several of my gaming cohorts mentioned how comfortable the space felt. One mentioned clubs and bars being difficult for him, but the classic rock, cigarettes and cheap beer just working for him. Also us tea totallers may feel less out of place when the focus isn't 100% on drinking.

This need not be limited to the elk, moose or eagles. A masonic temple or the Ordo Temple Orientalis may work better considering the esoteric nature of most role playing games.

Well this is all a delusion of my kidney medicine probably, yes yes thats right i should be working that's right
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Where the hell ive ended up on this glary random day

Some hours late in the day found myself wandering unhappily through how i spent my time. Again it's as though i waste the time i mean to put on my intentions. And afterwords have little to show with even less pride. Here well after I'm drawing dead against reshaping the day. Wondering what Heroines would think of those that take them for muse. Watching eyes dreaming as they may, wondering how much is seen.

Men of Station

Rain is tearing the rest of the evening to shreds while we are watching from the window on the second floor Hiding from eyes in a room we mostly forget set with awe as the grey spills across walls and chokes us with cold Faces burnt on thoughts of possibilities lost Unity in sorrow becoming singular again each walled form each other leave the nursery

stranded starfish have no place to hide

these days seem to be reapped in with long grass from the hill side Turned over in my mind and trailing behind Falling like grain through my fingers with little matter how hard i grasp But this is all allusion struggling with words to say im hurt And I feel words are mute with the distance that you are not When its only you and me Im wishing for what we used to be

Chloe Dancer / Crown of Thorns

Ah what the heck was that. It seems i have been neglecting my writing for too long. All that comes out is weak sauce indeed. Whats with all the alliteration i start with? Is that my style or a bad habit I have fallen into?

Mid sentence rhyming! Hardly Complex! Meter is non existent in my work but this truly throws it out the door.

I am talking about something has surfaced time and again in my mind. Some past summer day in a park above my house, Santa Teresa. It is changed and reworked in memory and light floods in making it all hard to see. At least this is what is going on in my head. And I am working through thoughts of time spend at this place even before the memory. Working out that even in the memory it has changed and is not the place i am looking for. That is what i am trying and failing at capturing. Seems like its been floating in me for ages and I cant get it out.

Perhaps i will work with the "of the unknown" idea in the future. What is going on with that is recollection of a series of dreams I have. The seem linked by a common thread of time and mutable yet congruent dream scape. Also hidden in the dream idea i can work through certain darker ideas I struggle with.

Well that is it for now. Drop a reply if you get a chance, i wonder who sees this crap.

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Peach Blossom and Bitter Almond

Through all this light i can barely see whats moving through the trees. Its warm dull and sweet in the moments seeming unfitfully long as if druged with peach blossom and bitter Almond. Eyes close to rest devouring towers in the west, thou wide again. Aware days grown thin. Gone are ghosts i can't divine, i'll leave with specters only mine.

stargazer

Howdy folks

Since its been so long, I guess I will talk about where I am at. I feel like i am on a decent path right now and I am sticking with it. I am not really down on myself, but not contented either. I am impatient with taking it day by day; and want to rush to see the end of this road. But progess isn't with the planning but execution.

So what I am doing these days is

excercise (weights and cardio)
Reading my books (leibniz almost beat, then Heidigger)
working on the dark parts of my life to let in light
messing with my game stuff (atari)
playing around on the bass
Going to some concerts
working on some game stuff

I am thinking about having a movie sometime, but who know who would come when its one of my movies.

Maybe a game weekend around the 21st of April. Denise is gone then. Have some Catan or something like that.

Well thats it for now
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Cracklin' Rose

Well where have I been? Nowhere consiquential.

As this is about work and not so much accounts of my life I haven't had much to say. I dont know where inspiration is going but i am not finding it.

I have been removed from the yearning that takes me to the places i write about. I could say its isolation, but perhaps its just feeling the pieces do not fit. Maybe that i am lying to choose the mantles I wear. To say your living a lie you have to pretend yourself defined. Right now I couldn't dream to say I identify with A or B. For the moment I am the mass, or at that i'll play. Empty myself and fill again with contentment.

Damn a free Abercrombie & Fitch gift card

Man thats tempting, 500 bucks free of useless crap and all i have to do is click some link that takes me to porn or something like that. Ok gimps listen up dont use my blog space to try and sell or promote your crap. Cuz A) no one is reading this crap i write and B) the sort of people that would read this crap would know better than to click your link even if C) they shopped at Abercrombie and Fitch which they dont.

Since like me and my friend Derek are the only ones who look at this why not better market to your audience. I wear levi's only and i buy them through Casual Male XL, cuz im a fat fuck. If you want to sell me a Tshirt try a Rush, Floyd, Testament or Maiden shirt. Maybe some cool indie movies for Derek or books. The sort of people who would stop to read this crap probably like books.

So in closing use a blog someone reads or offer me something i would be tempted by like a crokinole board or some ice cream

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of the unknown aloysius

it begins with sleep. In Truth I am not even me mostly better but often worse. Within confused lands I am Aloysius.

Through Dust and crust other dreamers dreampt as ants we crawled or flies waited singular for windshields. This time birth came calm with little control, Croutched and crowded on disgruntled and decushioned bucket seats. Fainly with old fries but more ozone shocks of wires installed with uncertified percision. From trash heeps and old insulin bottles this was Haddibaugh's Auto. Peering lazily amit baroque banners pasted and plastered over windows recollection came slow. High industrial cloverleaves climbed over trailing miles of light manufacturing; stretching endless on and strangly carless under a supposed weekday sun.

Location not often clear in these tales and threw memory and oneiromancy murk these are but guesses. Some signs spoke of Sunny Vales spiralling climbs above train lines....Side lying tressels by Monterey came to sight and made sense with bland and bleak buildings abandoned in abated decay. All eyes wide as we arrived far south oaken ridged mountain views burnt to golden hue. Lakes and streams overcovered in asphalt marked direction and rationed out location momentarily free. From This sea arose structure that soon loomed above use with dangerous weight. Celebrated nothing ringed in shoppes in only seconds attendants would greet Haddibaugh in throngs. Each falling over himself to honor this imperial host of the illicit and illegal. Entangle with entourage Haddibaugh would be hours and I, alone.

Dreaming eyes presumed I search for Anglac Axebearer and other companions missing in the amassed sea. Soon i accompanied Nicene who stalked with nonesuch beauty,throwing open doors on september dark skies spiced with autumn and smoke. Far forests burned and yield up long the long sun drinking twilight in which we walked. Along lakeside parks nearly silent we crept about Jatte shorelines now solitary.

quotes came with her words pasquinade and poignant, envenomed ironic yet as tintinnabulate verse. Ribbons from her neck she lashed down my yoke so i dragged behind as she spoke. Willowing across valley wind washed all wild and struck. Driving whindes of her hair upon which I was fixed. At times she glanced back silent her face brightly fixed; as if masked by a photograph of her smiling face.

Through parks and suburban flat land we wandered toward her waiting home. Glancing in windows to see how others lived, we walked miles of three modeled repeating development. Navigating laberynths of poor planning toward the vales of higher rent. Into passes burnt golden in late summer she left me as paths split high upon the hill side and walked on lone, leaving me to recover from her memory, again alone.

High upon these trails i walked on hours vaguely toward home. Pausing on oaks low in the valley thunder rolled in bound up with words from high left. Half mocking and laugh a bone thin troll watched me from northward peaks calling at me. Big for a man he was heads well bigger and seemed some red capped goblin king under rollags of pumpkin red hair. In few bounds he towered over me smiling. This was Macalbee the giant a friend of friends and at least meant no harm. Also so he saught Anglac and would lead me back to the parking in moments, though in ours i left.

Watched by empty silhouettes

Ack! i find another blog gloming onto my esteemed monicker! To add just a dash at the end http://crescentstar-.blogspot.com? No one taught them etiquette. This name is earned and burn upon me though now seldom seen amid marks of vital cleansing.

Perhaps you thought these lies but fare more I fear are true. Naive accounts of night's brand upon me indeed wholly factual though lost in time perhaps unread.

Motley drama t'will not be forgot. Close your eyes and still might see these words break like water. But they are words of my self same sea

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Crescent Star Rock Score Card 3

Ok if anyone is keeping count here are some of my title references.

Bonded by blood............................Exodus.......................title of their first record
Navigate the Seas of the Sun .............Bruce Dickinson.............Tyranny of Souls
Kill Devil Hill ................................Bruce Dickinson.............Tyranny of Souls
Obscured By Clouds ........................Pink Floyd....................Record Title
Happy Phantom .............................Tori Amos....................Little Earthquakes?
A little Oblivion.............................Counting Crows..............Song lyric
Swiss Colony of the Slippermen...........Gensis.........................The lamb lies down
Golden Brown................................Stranglers.....................Unknown
Water Song...................................Hot Tuna......................Unknown
Ben Breeg.....................................Iron Maiden..................A Matter of life and Death
More Eroision.................................Grails.........................Black Tar Prophcies 1
Cold Lake.....................................Celtic Frost...................Record Title

Cold Lake

Abigail gazing hard
ice swells blazing sun
No more haze and rain
the day just begun

Boot tracks lead back
on shame and pain
Im walking fast
Silently anger remains

Time brings me back
Wood held stacked
Nevermind ice cracks
Im soon submerged

She's screaming now
mimed through window

Meh sort of lame, i heard some Robin hitchcock song with a driving lyric meter that got me going. I dont know it something at the very least. Inspiration is cold lately

More Erosion

I wouldn't normally be so mundane to use my space like this but boredom has me. Work has called me in for a late night push and nothing has happened so far. I was told to be here at 9pm but the changed it to 10pm after i left. So im sitting here waiting for work. I guess i am stuck until 6.30 am which is crazy.

I should have brought something to read but im not that smart

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Ben Breeg

More time passes and still few words...

I dont know if this is a block or my own abstenance to the through of creativity. I would say there are ideas and things working their way free but in gets lost in the illusions of the day. Without destinction i've let these things go; im only haunting my mind as if some blanched photograph.

Measures are at once meaningful and unconcerned in my mindset. Time concrete, movement relative meaning unobserved. One could put some effort in and feel that was deep but don't let yourself be fooled.

Eschew the wandering of mind and happiness may find you but once devoted assuredly it won't.

Water Song

Well i am sort of hoped up on Mountain dew and not wanting to work on installing CVS at the moment. I figure i would stop a moment and talk a little bit about what is going on in my life. I am going to keep it high level and not bore you with the little facts as that I am listening to someone called Richard Thompson sing "Beat the retreat" at the moment.

I went on a cruise and made it up to the town in alaska that I always wanted to see. Hoonah alaska the tinglit capital of the world. I saw some show on kteh when i was 7 talking about a kids life there. I wanted to go ever since!

Denise and I are going to more shows these days. Testament has passed and Megadeth is coming up. I wish we went up to see Zero Hour but that is no biggie. Its fun to see some of the old bands in tiny clubs like Bourbon street.

I am doing weights and trying to get in a less round shape. Doing legs and back one day, then shoulders and finally chest. Trying to keep it to a major muscle group a day like that but also push myself to increase weight. I am going to try some cardio at home tonight maybe i can lose some too.

yeah thats a hot tuna reference

Golden Brown

I have been waiting on autumn for sometime now and on slow and dragging feet it's nearly hear. I guess i am looking forward to having something to look forward too. An excuse to want to see the people i seldom see or finally let myself feel the pangs that i havent called those long deserving. To admit there maybe hope If one can commit to the underlying work and not turn to video games and solitary mope.

To my friends I am sorry. Derek I should have given you a call long ago and have let inlaws and video games reign me. Rick you deserve those CD's and I am a terrible flake. Mark your my friend and I dont know how to be there for you with your mom so sick, cuz im a weak. Joseph you probably deserve to hear why i flaked out of your game but I didnt want to say I wasnt having fun anymore and i feel at odds with most everything you think. Ants I lost the common ground we shared and thought it was you when I am an elitist. Chiddo I never worked to find common ground with you. Dirk read the above. Brian I have been scared to submit your resume in the past because i worried you would do something weird that aint a friend thats a dick.

I guess that is the crap that I needed to get out and now need to attone for.

looking up this morning

Morning seeming pale
across the western wall
of hills that pall
and hold back the sea

magpies wander aghast
shrill calls feral terror
No wing of weight
The sky will bear

barren aeries greet
eyes soar form such light
soon set with some
quiet and wonder if not fright

Swiss Colony of the Slippermen

Well its been a long long time. I have been busy with things that seemed worthwhile in the moments i wasted, but not so much anymore. I guess you could say i have been in a self imposed writing exile. I have just felt that i needed to take something in to be able to put something out. Like i was stuck on the same themes and ideals.

I have been reading some Peake and Keirkegaard and have landed back on Leibniz door step. And trying to figure out just exactly what I am doing with all of this. Why I don't feel content in my skin and all that. Struggling between the lazy and the manic.

But around this time, I feel a pause coming over me. Like a few slower moments with friends would sit well. Though i dont find any calling.

A little Oblivion

The driving is going no where lately, ending up at Krispy Kreme or 7/11 for donut gems. Its like I have been everywhere and there is nothing left to see. And when I am out I feel like there is something else waiting back home, something much more important for becoming who i want to be. Its sort of hard going through the motions and not finding the comfort I need in things, Like drinking and not getting drunk or something. And people are gone so its running up against solitude, which i dont really want these days.

Happy Phantom

I think its time for a bit of a fall cleaning on the olde site. I am going to take some time to look over whats all here and see if any of it doesnt suck. Maybe try to work on the stuff that is blatantly unfinished. Keep your eyes open for more. Not you scrapping mortgage sellers I advise you to go rent a gun and off yourself as a positive eugenic step for the nation. I dont know why someone would comment om my poetry suggesting I get a better loan, WTF does my lack of self esteem translate so directly into a poor credit score?

I bet your thinking "Fall Cleaning" sounds goofy aren't you. If I were an academic i would feel it was the beginning of the year. I guess its part of the pretending. I heard someone talking about foothill college and I had a little pang of longing. Why i would go to a community college after getting an AA I am still having a hard time understanding. But I have a certain gift for wasting time in things that feel semi fruitful. All that adds up to a perception of new beginnings when the sun is wisping through the window low in the afternoon.

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Obscured By Clouds

Hush down the rain and let silence set awhile in the wake of wine and tastes delicate and refined. It's only sunset with haze burning opaque in moments nagging of ungainly time. Whispers off the stereo chalk away imploring tones of stay , soon it's absolutely curtains threading the needle round. Your listening intent from the far side of the couch, legs tucked up between us, as im drawing augury from your mouth.


I am not sure what i am going for here. It seems like a moment that at exists after a moment of intimacy going rather wrong. Be it being ashamed for doing something to someone they really didn't want or relationship that is wrong. It feels like im heading somewhere i don't personally know so I am trying to figure out my reference to the situation but don't know where to go now.

Kill Devil Hill

With darker and more mutable concerns fall seems to be driving down the mountains in from the sea. Off tree tops dismal airs collapse with summers last fury and force, calling down scorn sewn with embers dying might. Low in little time mortal minds will be held by autumns chores and delights. It's close to morrow and closer still to night, all wilds pang calling. Whisper Cradles or envy line down civilized old Apian with mired greed I've tried to wash white.

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Ode to Gamescape

With a long weekend ahead I decided to indulge my more nerdy fancies and headed to Gamescape, last Friday. Approaching the store along the El Camino, much to my horror and shock, I spied a sign indicating the eventual closing of the store. I sat sickened waiting for the u turn light to burn green once again, this seemed hours of vile wait. I had to get parked immediately and debunk this terrible lie. Finally seemingly hours later I was parked and walking toward the door. It was open at least, I had not missed them entirely. Things did not seem awry but after time it was confirmed, and my heart sunk. A 20% off closing sale hardly made up for the worst atrocity since the closing of Frontier Village.

To address the issue with better clarity I must say Gamescape is my first string store, my plan A, my go to shop. It inherited this mantle after the closing of Griffin Computer, had set me adrift. Prior it had been a seldom made pilgrimage to check the used stock. Griffin had the prices and selection in those days, so I was staunch and loyal. Griffin was something of a successor to the Game Table, and was around when I realized D&J sucked. Gamescape has always been a bit of a drive, and Griffin had my back. One day Griffin sort of imploded, it was then I threw my lot in with Gamescape and I haven't looked back. It was easier after moving to Cupertino and so it went for many years. Their move from California to Elcamino only minor issue. A recent change of work and a few visits to Game Castle are causing me some guilt, perhaps this wouldn't have been so.

Now I am left storeless once again, and am weighing options. D&J oh useless of stores, you have no right to even be considered. Only two lights burn true these days, Game Kastle and Paradox play ground. Game Kastle at present is the more solid of stores from a product perspective. They have a very good selection of RPG's with a strong base of board games. Paradox has them beat on minis, and seems like it has room for potentially becoming a sound store. A few friends have adopted Paradox which gives me some bias, but not enough to side. Paradox is closer and easier to get to which I like. Really I would like to see the stores join forces, then I at least wouldn't have a decision. I guess I will bid my time see what comes, storeless once more.

Navigate the Seas of the Sun

Upon the crystal cathedrals of the deeps
the silence brightly gleems
And its up the mountains with fearful speed
Cut through redwood estates to find Holy Cities
of shattered glass where stories forgotten scream


Starts something no idea what
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Bonded by blood

To summarize some level of work I am trying to connect a mass of accounts of travels that look for and sometimes even find insight upon the roads A certain association of modern skalds strives for what they call small epiphanies in their works This categories well what I am referring to when invoking the Scarecrow A semi mystical voice from whence knowledge can be found The term itself is borrowed from said enclave of entertainers In my works the passenger is not a constant nor even the driver as often I am only a transcriber of tales i have heard I personally find insight only when I am closest to self or perhaps in moments of conversation where one can let down the guards and speak freely the sort of communication that begins with exhaling and then revealing that which is most often hidden Perhaps another of a more social disposition would find wisdom with more noise though i personally doubt there is much wisdom they will find With regard to my lack of punctuation i have found this much easier to quickly right and also find it harder to censor myself which could prove i reveal more than i might wish Which is in itself something of a goal

once

Pedals out the window
until at once just a car
Grinding down our finger tips
blood streams into a jar

Jagged line melody
breathing tired and weak
Against treeline horizons
Fertile valleys seem bleak

once I could dream lavender
now its seems only death
time once was racing
Now i only straggle along

Once sun streamed in
Window viewed only hope
Now i'll drive miles
to stir embers and smoke

if again wonder
coils along my spine
venom cold and melody
once again are blind

sleep off the summer
if the sun only lies
wounded wings plummet
from pink moon skies



a little more creaps in
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Spectral Forces

The road ahead invokes some magic and light assaults the car Though with time the bridge is gone and there is darkness enough to speak Soon banshee screams ring out in valleys shroud in sleep In our words ghosts are breathing on streets we seek Then plundge into sulfur and septic with New Deal built walls racing on Alum Between the bonds and lies perhaps the scarecrow speaks


This rather obtusely recounts some of the stories related to the Alum Rock park area and is far less random than it seems.

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Crescent Star Rock Score Card 2

Howdy folks

Keeping you up to date with the soundtrack that hides behind the blog again. Here is the list since the latest time i did this.

Pieces of your Presence Here...........Colin Haye.......Line from I just dont think i will get over you ......Garden State Soundtrack

White is the light that shines............Pink Floyd.......Line from Green is the Colour....More Soundtrack

Bring me my arrows of desire..........John Milton/Bruce Dickinson.....Line from Jerusalem....The Chemical Wedding

Early Morning Rain............................Gordon Lightfood....Early Morning Rain.....Gord's Gold

Still Life................................................Iron Maiden.............Still Life....Peace of Mind

White Flag...........................................Grails......................White Flag....Burden of hope

Evaporated..........................................Ben Folds Five.......Evaporated....Whatever and ever amen

Everything in its right place..............Radio Head............Everything in its right place....Kid A

Denim and Leather.............................Saxon.....................Denim and Leather.......Denim and leather


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Denim and Leather

Were you there is 79 when the dam began to bust? I was a little late myself, and it never snows in San Jose so waiting at the Cactus wasn't in the snow. I would mention the Pony Express Pizza but, that's something a friend talked about, I wouldn't know. I guess buying taps at Longs Drugs doesn't much count as a heavy metal commitment, when your choosing between Ozzy, Warrant and REO Speedwagons' "This time we mean it".

I guess i'm talking about something I only half hearted lived, with a denim jacket sans Maiden back patch. But I got BAM and read that Stefan guys columns and checked the shows. Sad when you find your freedom a couple months after summers gone and your left with Y & T reunions at the county fair. But that's the life of the timid headbanger wanting to see Testament but not really wanting to go to some youth center in Oakland for the show.

In ways it summarizes my life waiting on the side lines with something holding from saying or doing what i desperately wanted. If i distilled it down, it's somewhere in the fact that I'm not really comfortable in a party full of friends and hide outside or run off to Keystone to play Midnight Wanderers on 3 wonders.

Connections and comfort aren't the same for me. It's arms distance until its safe. If you hear Exodus blasting from a car and glance over banging your head with the beat, that's cool.

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http://www.klov.com/game_detail.php?letter=&game_id=10089
http://discography.speedwagon.com/database/showalbum_new.pl?5
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B000005RNQ/ref=m_art_li_3/002-7153232-0160860?v=glance&s=music

Everything in it's right place

Hush and rain ground upon the pavement if memory fails and ties cease to bind Wide eyed navigators who know the words and roads gaze out through the trees upon the road Around a turn cresting out of cloud the moon bore down and skies sheath'd their tears From the passenger seat the radio researched With static and whispers perhaps the scarecrow speaks

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Evaporated

To elaborate on a theme, I know what's down most of the roads and I'm too old for mystery in a change of scene. I could lie and say the old emotions still straggle round the driveways and hedgeways while im unravelling the connections im unlearning; yet randomly sought. I could pull the pins out of the boards and loose the butterflies, since lately i'm wondering what i caught. It's long and cotton down perhaps with time it will drown.

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Rastan or Retirement

Sometimes when im at work i just want to get out and go to the mall or something. Be one of those people that people wonder about on long lunchtime Tuesday afternoons. Go to golfland with a few quarters and hide out. Camp infront of Choplifter til im good or the laundry money has all been spent. Thats a lie actually i have my own washer; I have even fixed it a few times. I guess thats the problem I have a washer and I'm doing home repair. Forget grey hair its when you start patching dry wall. Somewhere a long the way i got to much work to be young and too responsible not to care.

Over

With a wish its moving closer to free. Riding away from words of prophecy and leaving for desolace and me. Here high plains are slivered with sky then tear and sleep upon grasslands leading home. Steps break with serpent holes thrown headlong and held fast. Then thin Light washes the parking lot on days grown later than they seem.


Really this doesn't feel complete so maybe there is more
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1st Paragraph of something

Break with the dawn in fog whispering of twisted metal along the way. Here hush and cold breathe with juniper and pine on streets lined with too many cars to be high rent. Brick on my way cold in morning undecided on winter or spring. Capewood comes and passes to Coddle where people are finally awake. The looks say i'm not welcome but not out of place. Strides come to pace down side streets with winds pillowed upon my face.

Part the first

Off from splintering wishes comes the pain that it won't return. Found amid the oil stain'd water mildew willow leaves steeping gray. Head down as always and only half a mind for sight, I'm rushing against conclusions i must face. Narrow against the falsehoods the rain begins to break. Off a few minutes It's coming into view, cold and cubist against cyclone suburban skys. In measures I'm holding on but there are no songs today.

White Flag

There is a light running threw the plum trees far up the street, breaking against winter frost mornings, gold on bark and slumber. Nearer wash the road ways ablaze with hope and free. Lined with low end housing that glare through iron grates. And fences that I peer in walking, through slats at unmowen wildwood yards that rust in mystery, and what little I see.

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Absolutely Curtains

Here on the shallow roads
its moving without time
Sliding against wooded
streets that rhyme

and decay in memory bound
Fences mourn and split
without sound
Under leaden skys

light is ladder wrought
hiss against being caught

Over streams on snow caped rock
and gladly merging with the shadow
chasing for the other side
Bringing feelings one can only despise

Gilgamesh

Summer's coming and I can't escape closing my eyes I'll just wait Throw away the regret and delay that is cracked along the ridgeline Without much to say Wish down the gails racing from the shore and dream something i can ignore

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Sorry...I've been sick

Still not feeling well really. Coughing up nasty things and sleeping most of the time.

Resolutions

Im not sure what you folks have resolved for the year, but I'm working on somethings. I resolved 2006 is year of Rock and I gotta take 2005 to get ready. Gotta work on a svelte gangly rock n' roll style body and a hard rockin new attitude. Gotta get a three octave C scale going and a solid grasp of the D minor chord, its the saddest of chords really. Gotta let the fro grow out to Gene Simmons like demonic might! Well perhaps not.

I really just want to work off some of my extra tonage and post here with some differently formatted material. Maybe a serialized novel or a screen play, keep up the posts and maybe get some more readers.

Well Happy New Year
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Still Life

Sinks below the water and radiates out of sight
On horizons yielding too pang'd night
Sinking ships turn to beleaguered highways
Which nurse hurts that i need to stay

Ashes Ashes

Knots in the wood are sliding into water with hands grasping like straw Hours gone turning towards home with rush and a wind and hiss Soon steps are drowning Upon ice that draws in crystal and cold Near shelter burns and cracks all around porters weight Sleighs lined burdened and race with wold and wood around There we will see sunrise and mock


I guess this is very obsure but it comes from a trip to Yosemite around Christmas. Re-Entry was playing while i worked on it.
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Early Morning Rain

Choke the birds from the sky
littered in abattior rot
Feather and bone festooned fence lines
though in the sky not

Sheer'd in night drape
weeping lake bridged stone
Burnt and finally broken
quiet yet becoming alone

Gleam on glass prism in breaks
drive with wind still and lace
Lye like linen palsy and shake
Tie with ribbon bleed in place

Drink til violence claims sleep
in widow ears tremors creep

Finally tying up the poetry process. Well i think one thing stands out is the jumps you get when you don't write a poem straight through. It seems all messed up like the ones in the New Yorker, not a compliment. Also you get the modes jumping and shifting abit. I would almost rip this appart and make pieces of it. But i dont really care for it that much to save bits. Its here if i must come back to it.

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Bring Me My Arrows of Desire

Meters and leagues that wash in and away with cars to roads that race up high and find sepulcher lens'd nights Amid the furrow cut fog and fruit trees are the sad little cities that want us to stop Down ravening in the vales and delight Finally race summer eves and Christmas lights Biting into morning with wishes for eternal night

White is the light that shines through the dress that you wore

Goldensward hillsides
sperate from light
Weary eyes whining
shaded foresite

Feral tooth ridgelines
Gnash upon the sky
Halal smalt voilet
to say blue; a lie

This is the unfinished beginning of something. I am trying to work more on meter on this. Keeping it short and to the point is part of the exercise. This actually goes back to a poem that has been brewing for sometime. Maybe exploring it here can give me a direction on it once again. At least i know i am trying to work within a particular frame now. I see it having at least three more stanzas like this. Maybe couplet at the end though not sure, I have always liked finishing in stanza.

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Poetry Process part the third

Gleam on glass prism in breaks
drive with wind still and lace
Lye like linen palsy and shake
Tie with ribbon bleed in place

This really isn't driven by music or visions more words. I liked the sounds of some of them and they kept jumping to mind. It also is rather obscure which is fine.
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Pieces of your Presence Here

Silent on streets drained dark creeping to places we might meet On marrow nights it could be alright And I'm breathing ghosts as I'm stalking Passing prickly clubs we could have haunt Alone hollow steps with stars we may have held close Cigarettes burn long stain fingers then into the car Window down riding tides hoping for connection out of the communication that's built Fighting frequencies for songs that fill the mood Whispers could name it our song Amid the slumber and morning I can't feel anything to feel it slipping away


I guess this is a Colin Hay song mixed with downtown San Jose. I used to run down to the movie place or club on winter nights way back when. I am trying to move away form a narrator that is myself though. Not sure why just feels ok to do so.
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Retro Gaming 101 part 3 Retro Consoles

When you are talking about getting old consoles you get into some serious work. The problem is you very seldom can go into a store and just buy what you want. EB Games does have some Nintendo games usually but generally your are picking over crap. What you are left with is prowling thrift stores and the internet. Lets take a closer look at both.

The internet is a fantastic resource for retro gaming. eBay makes it all possible really, you can find most anything you are looking for if you check back enough. Also EB games and other online stores often have exactly what you are looking for. The benefit primarily is fast access to tremendous selection. The problem is these are people who know the older games have a value to the burgeoning retro gamer counter culture, so the ream you. Or on eBay you get sniped or bided up should you find a good deal, Though you usually can get by if you are looking for an Atari 2600 or NES. There were so many produced the market is flooded a bit. Popular systems should run you around 30 with shipping and a few games. One deal of note is the EB Games 15 games for 50 dollars. It is an easy way to get yourself started once you have a system, here is the link:
http://www.ebgames.com/ebx/groups/15games50bucks/nes.asp

When it comes to thrift stores and garage sales I am certainly not an expert. I have hit my local Savers from time to time but seldom found much worth my time. A buddy is a big garage sale shopper and his tips are get out early like 6am and hit as many as you can. Don't get attached to one thing, so if your after NES games and you see a great deal on Genesis at least consider it. HAGGLE. Generally i wouldn't buy anything for more than half the net price, unless it was ultra rare. Remember the people selling on the internet are often buying from Goodwill and garage sales.

Ok when it comes to systems I personally feel the Atari 2600, NES and Sega Genesis are must haves that make up the core of a collection. But certainly concentrate on the system you enjoyed most, go odyessey2 if that's what you had. I kept all my Atari stuff from way back so that is my most solid system, my NES collection is poor at best. I recommend those systems as they were well supported with games and accessories. Also being popular many were made and lots are still out there. Finally classic games which are still inspirational to the industry were created on these systems. If your plan is to get all the old systems then you are going to be spending some money, Fairchild systems sell well above 50 bucks on eBay. I am close to being on this path myself but I don't want my wife to kill me. I would recommend everyone to check out the console museum on Classic Gaming to get an idea of just a few of the systems out there:
http://www.classicgaming.com/museum/

Next time I will take a look at emulation
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Crescent Star Rock Score Card

Play at home it's fun!

Bright Ambassadors of morning: A line in the Pink Floyd song Echoes on the Meddle Record.
Deep Puddle Dynamics: A group that has a song called The Scarecrow Speaks, Anticon label.
Call Few People enemies, Call fewer friends: A line from The Scarecrow speaks.
Goodbye to romance: Ozzy song off Blizzard of Oz.
Bacchus Plateu: My farvortie Rush song part of Lamneth off Caress of steel.
Curse of Desdemona: Grant Lee Phillips song off Virginia Creeper.
Upon the insturments of death: A line in King Krimson's Epitaph on in the court of the crimson king.
August and Everything After: Counting Crows record.
We sold our souls for rock n Roll: Black Sabbath record.
Toepnikcufecin: An allusion to the metal band Anthrax.
Aboutface - Murder: David Gilmor song off aboutface.
Here comes the Flood: Peter gabriel song off energy i think.
A 60 ton Angel falls to the Earth: Line in a Porcupine tree song Trains off in abstenia.
So Far Away: David Gilmour song off David Gilmour.
Time Stand Still: A Rush song off hold your fire.
Piece of Mind: An awesome Iron Maiden record.
1,2, Free Four: Pink floyd song called Free Four on the Obscured by clouds record.
Alms: A Grails song on Redlight.
High time Cymbaline: Pink Floyd song off More.
New Lystra: A Grails song on Redlight again.
Amoung the Living: The Anthrax record.
Cymbaline: Again im such a hack.
Tales of Brave Ulysses: Cream song.
Peace on Earth Sells: A Megadeth record.
Revelations track two: The is an iron maiden song on Piece of mind.
Burnt Offerings: A Testament song on the Legacy record.
No Birds Caught: Goes back to anticon with DoseOne Bird Catchers Anthem.
Love and hope put to the test: Bruce dickinson song only on his extended greatest hits.
Quicksilver: A Pink floyd song off More.
Wicker Man: I am specifically talking about the bruce dickinson solo version not the iron maiden

Well that will hopefully de mystify things a touch.
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Wicker Man

Steps took with rite ritual pace
Stones crumble and chalk once life imbued
Apprehensions rushing with wind on my face
Gaul and gold proceeds the gate

Bled on borrowed throne wrought repose
From Beacon hills wicker flames broke
Calling those to reap wishes sown
yielding only sorrow as I spoke


I have been trying to look at what i do when i right to help people along. I'm not saying this shit is any good, just saying it's here and this is how i got it here. Anyway, abstraction is my tool. As you can guess by the titles there is a lot of music in it. Also many places that I have build up with some emotional connection. I sort of try to boil them down to as few words as I can and then stick them together. The sounds in my mind are often more important than the meanings im thinking about. From there i sort of work it until they pieces sort of fit. A Maiden song with a Sierra road by my high school and stuff like that. A bunch of it is fragments that i stick together. This one was Bruce dickinson's Wicker Man, not Iron Maiden's, and acoustic song. The place was the little statue garden in Villa Montalvo.

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Retro Gaming 101 part 2 "Modern Consoles"

Game compilations are nothing new especially those that bundle up a few old games into a new package. Usually this was something you would see for early games release in the life of a particular system or ports to the PC. Recently retro game packages hit, bundling old arcade perfect ports to home game systems. This has created a renaissance for retro gaming. Below is a guide to some of the modern titles.

Personally I feel Midway arcade treasures is the best package to come out to date, with Midway arcade treasures 2 a strong second. They offer around 20 old school games for about 20 dollars; which I see as an amazing deal. The games range from early 80's to mid 90's which allows for a fun trip down memory lane. By these NOW!!!

For old school console games I would look at Intellivsion lives and the Atari Anthology. These offer TONS of games for a bargain price. Intellivision even includes histories and documentaries; a first rate product for game historians. Atari offers both arcade and cartridge ports for a total of 85 games. Finally Playstation owners can also grab the activision anthology of atari 2600 games, this package looks to offer all the activision and some of the imagic games. There is actually a PC version with more Imagic and some homebrew games.

Nintendo and Genesis era gamers will enjoy the Sonic Mega plus and Megaman anniversary collections. These offer a histories of the venerable game lines that equal hours of play. My fellow Xbox owners can look for the Megaman game in March. Konami has gone a unusual route and offered a collection of 5 nes ports only to the PC. I hope we will be seeing something like this hit the consoles soon but it will need to include a few more games to be of significant value.

Finally I am left with Namco Museum. Good I hate this thing, it shows up everywhere, it is the grand father of console retro gaming. It has few games and all from the early years of arcades. It just isn't worth the money unless you see it cheap. I could recommend it if they had included just two more games. Of not for Playstation owners, this was something of a line on the PS 1 and there were something like six versions. With a little digging and maybe some eBay you could grab the PS1 versions of the games.


Game Xbox PS2 Game cube
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Midway 1 Yes yes yes
Midway 2 Yes yes yes
Intellivsion Yes Yes Yes
Atari Yes Yes No
Activision No Yes No
Sonic Yes Yes Yes
Megaman Mar 05 Yes Yes


Next I will take a look at some of the costs and pains of tracking down old school consoles. Also I will take a look at emulators, Jamma and Ultracade.
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Quicksilver

Walking stones rise as bones on ridgelines arched against the canopied blue Sunlight blind here shadowed down the eyes as she steps lined with light Shadowed hazy burnt with golds and woods Oaken vantage point on high circling in the sky Maybe she loved me perhaps just here



Ok ok, it's full on Green is the Colour. With some of the sights near the mercury mines near my home.
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Love and hope put to the test

She whispered away the terror when the neddle bit the skin Her eyes raced with the bleeding down the line and surge of the return Chemicals in the mix I taste the swine In measures my arm shakes when giving out After hours its grown cold and static blurs the edge of sight But it ends and in time was gone

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No birds caught

Through the sawdust streets of the shattered glass steppes the fog is hanging low Whispering amid the wanting stones Here the houses glow on holiday eves Clasp with family an only a wash with vain though through distance and fog it begins to wan Closing my eyes the panic bites and shake like a dog Holding on hard cus im afraid to let go Afraid to see the last whispers serpent away Afraid for the day the dreams all forgot

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Retro gaming 101 "TV Games"

I came to retro gaming through my pack rat tendencies rather than a conscious choice, but I wanted to work up something to get people started. Retro gaming has hit its stride recently, which makes the proposition much easier to start. The first question you will need to ask is how into this am I, or how much time and money am i willing to put in? I will be breaking down my guide into three broad groups. The TV gamer, The modern system owner and finally the old school collector.

TV GAMER:
Tv games are an interesting development of the past couple of years. Basically they are a self contained non-expandable gaming system. They are something like the old Pong boxes which played a defined set of games but use modern 3 plug tv connectors. All you need is a modern TV, 20 bucks and batteries and your up and playing. There are several of these on the market and I want to steer you to the best.

I personally only dip into this category of games when there is something I can't get else where. The Konami Collector's series is on my Christmas wish list and i own the Sega controller. Otherwise i say go with Atari carts off eBay. If you are interested I would say start with the Atari and Activision games. They have classic games and are easy to find. I recommend the 2 controller version of the paddle game, as those are usually games played head to head. I would pick and choose form there the games you used to play. Also if you are looking for a Nintendo Entertainment System one, i have seen something at a kiosk in the mall that i couldn't find a link for. Also there is another Sega Arcade legend game coming in January so be on the look out

hre is the list!

Atari classics 10 in 1 TV Games:http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0000645DD/qid=1102380762/sr=8-5/ref=pd_csp_5/002-3909374-6674438?v=glance&s=toys&n=507846
Activision 10 in 1 TV:http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0001HYSG4/qid=1102380762/sr=8-6/ref=pd_csp_6/002-3909374-6674438?v=glance&s=toys&n=507846
Atari 2-Player Paddle Controller with 13 Games (GET THE TWO CONTROLLER VERSION THESE ARE TWO PLAYER GAMES):http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0001HYSFU/qid=1102380762/sr=8-4/ref=pd_csp_4/002-3909374-6674438?v=glance&s=toys&n=507846
Namco TV GAMES:http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00009VDXX/qid=1102380762/sr=8-3/ref=pd_csp_3/002-3909374-6674438?v=glance&s=toys&n=507846
Konami Collector's Series: Arcade Advanced:http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0000631W0/ref=pd_ys_pym_all_13/002-3909374-6674438?v=glance&s=videogames
Namco II: Ms Pac-Man with 5 TV Games:http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0001GBROQ/qid=1102380762/sr=8-1/ref=pd_csp_1/002-3909374-6674438?v=glance&s=videogames&n=507846
Sega Genesis Arcade Legends Plug N Play:http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0002E7C96/ref=pd_sr_ec_ir_vg/002-3909374-6674438?v=glance&s=videogames&st=*
Space Invaders Arcade Legends Plug N Play:http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0002E7C9G/ref=pd_ys_pym_all_15/002-3909374-6674438?v=glance&s=videogames


That's it for now look back soon for more info.
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Burnt Offerings

Take the moments before the sun drips into the west and trees burn golden in shallowed light On open fields congealed frozen plains stalking as ghosts of winter Happiness comes in bitter colors on these frayed ends of the year I had dreams of saving her from the dark things behind the sun A boy dreams such simple connections of love and debt But she was the one mending me and I didn't know what to do with the way that felt

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Revelations track2

Throught the smoke beginning to cough where pitch burns skin Never whispers shadows into flame Gather on greens how once they held delight With leagues the sky alite caverns of night Terrible and wonderful where sorrow known Accord and misery now felt whispers from flame

Poetry Process 2

Sheer'd in night drape
weeping lake bridged stone
Burnt and finally broken
quiet yet becoming alone

I am starting to see this as Breaking Bridges which i guess is what im getting at here. But i feel like i am meaning the bridges of memory and hang ups. Moving on to something less effected, healing maybe

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