Atari 2600 collecting

I guess i started collecting Atari 2600 products when I first got the system as a kid. Form then on I just sort of kept it and acquired other peoples collections when they moved on to something else. After adding a few collections I had over a hundred cart a couple of systems and more controller than I knew what to do with. Currently I have a far too many systems, one even converted to composite video output, around a hundred an fifty separate cartridge titles and way to much space dedicated to my collection.

With a recent addition I acquired a couple of music mate cassette holders. This gave me inspiration to reconfigure my collection in with this system. The image shows the fruits of my labor. Its nice as it helps me understand what I have at a glance.

If you are going to start collecting I would advise you to look at Craig's list or eBay for a working system lot, making sure that it comes with some games and all the pieces you need. This would be controller. power supply and the RF adapter. There are some RF female to male Coax adapters out. I am absolutely not a fan, I like the big boxy RF to TV or coax with the TV / Game switch. They work better and work right ask for them by name. If you are serious about this you may jump directly into a modified composite system. You can sometimes find them on eBay or if you are electronically minded there are instructions to build your own.

The Atari 7800 is another thing to consider. The system plays 2600 games with out an adapter. I don't have one but I believe all of the controllers work on both, allowing for a one to one experience. Something like the 5200 had an adapter to play 2600 but the controllers use a different connection and can not be used. The colleco and Intellivision offered adapters as well so you can consider them, but you will have the same difference of controllers.

For collecting carts I really wouldn't be afraid about duplicates, it happens. If you don't have at least three copies of combat your a newb. If you are really new just work on games the you enjoyed in the past or genres that you like at first. I have focused on games from Activision myself. These were all very good games and none are particularly difficult got get. Also take interest in the rarity guide over atariage.com . You are going to quickly find getting one rarity seven game is about as hard as it is to get all the ones and twos. This is sort of the odd part of collecting, while not everyone had the same games there was a base lexicon of games that were pretty consistent. Combat, Pacman, Pitfall, Asteroids and Centipede were everywhere. It's trivial easy to get these. And you can buy them for three dollars a title on most sites.

If you poke around you can probably find someone who sells carts or systems if you are by a large enough metro area. Independent game stores and some independent record stores are a good place to check out. You can check garage sales but it seems like their day has passed, Craigs list is better. The odds of seeing an Atari by randomly checking sales has gotten pretty low. You pretty much have to just for the shopping and get lucky. Thrift stores are similarly bad. You can get lucky but you are looking for a pretty specific item or set of items. If you are lucky enough to live somewhere that has a classic gaming expo that's a great place to go, but be prepared because everyone there knows exactly what they have and its value.

Going to something like a classic gaming expo is a pretty heady experience in and of itself. You are going to have your eyes opened to a larger world of gaming and there is the potential to throw down several hundred dollars. My first experience opened me to the world of the PC duo, superguns and neo geo collecting. Let alone the fact that there were nearly every system I had ever heard of there and for sale. I would recommend you don't take much money, but pick up cards and write down every ones websites. Don't impulse bankrupt yourself. An example to that point. Someone was buying about a grand worth of equipment to play Neo Geo games at home, both MVS and AES. He would have grabbed several games and would have been pretty set up. That said i bought a working MVS stand up game for around 125 and spend another hundred on a 150 in 1 multi cart. I have a lot more fun for a lot less cash.

From that I would say look around, come to understand what your getting into before you buy. That said a working system and several games is not a rip off at fifty bucks. That's not a great price but you shouldn't be ashamed.

Star Castle

Sorry its been some time, I have been busy wasting time with video games. I do it far to much but, rather than lamenting the time I will do a post on my collection soon. I am a bit upset of late. My daughter has a bit of a stammer, which is usual for her age.

The thing is my dad has this weird thought that you can insult someone until they stop doing what you don't like. Its not really something that worked for me much. Rather it pissed me off and spoiled our relationship. I don't think much of myself and didn't stand up for myself, but the kid is another story. I don't care who I have to destroy to protect her. I would rather behead snakes than defang them.

Richard Scarry's Puzzletown

When i was a young kid I was very fond of Richard Scarry's Puzzletown toys. Having a daughter of my own now, I wanted to share them with her. The task proved more difficult than I originally thought. There are two big problems that I quickly ran into when collecting the toys for her. The first a lack of information on the Internet, people just don't remember these toys. The second people often combine sets or collect what they can find and sell them in partial lots. I will try to address the first problem with this post.

Richard Scarry was a prolific author and illustrator of children's books whom was active in the 50's, 60's and 70's. One of his larger projects was something called Busytown. This was a town that feature anthropomorphic animals. The setting was adapted by PlaySkool company in 1976 to become the Puzzletown line of toys. Basically they were a competing product to the Little People line of toys by Fischer Price, but included a construction element that was popular in 70's toys. The product line only seemed to last two years which may account for few who remember these toys, and the cost of sets on ebay.

While the toys were sold in many configurations most people seem to have been aware of the five larger sets. These were lettered a through E and featured large tiles cardboard wall pieces, some number of vehicles and three figures. Until recently I was only aware of the five sets. In my efforts to collect I have become aware of several other toys. Three smaller vehicle, figure and building were sold, most of these reference 1977 as their year of trademark. Also a few figure and vehicle products were sold. I will go into further detail later in this post. Just weeks ago I became aware of an ebay listing for a single carded figure. This was of "Nurse Nellie" I do not know if figures outside of the five large sets were sold in this individual format.



The first of large sets is labelled "Set A: Dr. Lion's Medical Center." This is probably the most common of the sets you are going to see. It includes the pieces to build the medical center, a bed, ambulance, Dr. Lion, Nurse Nellie and Abby the rabbit patient.

The second is "Set B: Hucklecat's Cottage" This includes the cottage set, huckle cat, momma cat and grocer cat. Some interesting points were the windows in the building walls and the full sized green plastic floor bit. There was also a car. This is usually considered a rare set.

Set C: is "Farmer Alfalfa's Farm". This is another common set you will see a lot of. it includes the barn and silo. As well as a truck, trailer, cow, the farmer and his wife.

Set D is "Mayor Fox's town Center" The third of the common sets. This is a nice set as it includes several buildings and gives you much to play with. This is the second of the sets with the full sized floor piece, All others use half floor pieces. You get a car and motorcycle in this set. Mayor Fox, Officer Dog and his wife are the figures that come with this set.

Finally Set E is "Lowly Worms rail and roadway" This is a more interesting set as its both rare and includes a rail road for the town. The rail pieces are reversible and convert to roadway. You get a two piece Tran and a car in this set. A water tower is an interesting addition as it uses wall pieces in an X configuration, sitting on top. Lowly worm, a bulldog engineer and fox conductor are included in this set.

For the smaller sets I have very little idea with regard to how they were sold. You are going to see reference to McDonald's Richard Scarry cars. These are a different line of happy meal toys sold in the 90's that are similar to but different than the Puzzletown toys. There was also a Brio set in the 90's that adds confusion. There are three puzzletown car and building sets. I do not know their official names and generally find them reference by description of the car. Therefor they are Egg Car, Apple Car, and Doughnut Car.

The Egg Car set includes the car, and farmer Alfalfa's wife. Also included is a single quarter sized floor piece and a few small roof tiles. The build pieces include eggs and a milk jugs shaped stand. A fun part of the quarter floor pieces is they are designed for upward building with special grooves to sit a top wall pieces.

The Apple car is the sole set I do not own, LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT TO SELL. It includes the apple car and lowly worm. As will all these sets there is a quarter floor and small roof pieces. I believe it creates a fruit and veggie stand.

The doughnut car includes the car and huckle cat. The build is a doughnut stand and i has a few large doughnut cardboard/"woodboard" pieces.

I have two of the car and figures that i was able to get new from England. I don't know how they have wrapped toys over there, they seems new or in new wrapping. There is a rabbit in normal close unlike Abby the bunny patient and carrot car. Also a pig and pickle car. There way be more but I have not seen further figures.

UPDATE: I recently found an ad from 1977 for PlaySkool toys. It appears the cars and figures were called "Puzzletown People and Cars Assortment" while the car, figure and building sets were called "Puzzletown People, Cars and Places Assortment" There was also a banana car that came with a gorilla figure.

A second post on puzzletown can be found HERE

I just wrote up a third post on puzzletown and you can find it HERE

There is also a brand new post here.

If you have any more information i would love to know. Please comment or email me at jameslrickel@gmail.com

Don't Break the Oath

Gathering up the gloom I've set about myself and heading for something else With no fall or ringing rush toward summer its resounding through my blood with a tide of distant shores Giving and consuming til light is just memory of former days for a former self Little days doled out that pass whimpering Golden bells call forth binding all with rosy scents

Crescent Star Progressive Rock score card 7

"I am Superman" is a song by R.E.M. of one of their sucky ass records. I really don't care. They suck and have sucked. Will suck, shall suck. I was righting about comic book shops and wanted a title or some with super heroes. I should have used Bowie or Sabbath. I am truly sorry.

"I've read all the books about being ill" is a line from Bruce Dickinson's "no way out" I think this is from Balls to Picasso. I was just looking for something related to illness.

"I talk to the wind" Is by King Krimson. I heard the song and these are some of the thoughts that it conjured up. here is a link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJG6AJz-puk

"Private Eyes" yeah hall and oats its dumb. I was just talking about my Role playing game so nothing inspired.

"When Lights go down" is a line from Europes Carrie which is off The Final Countdown. I was writing about my daughter Keri so used it.

"Winters Call" well that's by Badlands off first record called Badlands oddly enough. I think I caught that on the radio ,or something, before writing.

"Got me running" is by Def Leppard's high and dry. I had been listening to that song a bunch at the time and just worked it in.

"My Blue Heaven" i have no idea, my Granma sang it to me as a very young child. I was thinking of my little family on a drive which makes me very happy and is my idea of heaven on earth.

"Midnight Rider" is by the Allman brothers. Its odd i really like on version and dislike the other. I like the one that uses the single repeated riff over and over again. I think there is a musical term for that. I am writing about my thoughts on that line of the song i mention.

"The Ballad of Jane" is by La guns maybe. I know it was on the radio which is weird, they don't often play that stuff. I think it was something about the loss they guy is singing about that sparked me. But whatever something came out I'm happy about that.

"Sheer Heart Attack" is actually just a record from Queen. I was feeling like i was about to have one that day.

"Soothsayer" Is a song from Buckethead's 18Th , yeah eighteenth record, Crime Slunk Scene. I really love and respect his work and he is a freaking weirdo. Here is a link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adV8-_hgL4g

"Here is her cup, filled with its poisons" this is part of the spoken bit of Bruce Dickinson's Jerusalem. This is from The Chemical Wedding. One of the best recorded works out there. It may be my favorite metal record of all. I would have to think about it.

Here is her cup, filled with its poisons

starry nights turn upon us, wheeling ever upon days we may have forgot if not for times we must regain their parting. Burning upon a pyre, Aloysius cast his days and watched her born from amongst smoke. Yielding up her poisons and pestilence, but he content not to drink.

Aloysius had seen her long before. Haddabaugh kept her for a time. Anglac travelled with him to Haddabaugh's manor, walking many miles and waiting hours more. When finally their hosts auto arrived they found themselves unwanted. As new lords held Haddabaugh's interest, one this regal and septic queen. Months Anglac and Aloysius awaited their friend, mourning the old haunts and unearthing new. Her poisons worked she withdrew to take other of our friends.

Aloysius waited and watched for the fire would birth Wrath as Pestilence dissolved with the smoke.

The nightmare corpse-city

Growing late in the year the seaside came upon his path. With the gale and grey Aloysius paused knowing he hadn't intended on this place. Palsy and Quaking he hated years misspent and loves forgotten. Again he longed for lands he had not known. He longed for Nicene's lips, He longed for youth and home.

Under the breath of sea a misplaced memory rang out perfecting his thoughts. Aloysius imbibed and drunk wrought nights sweeter than they were spent. Recast himself the hero in stories he once duly wrote. Aloysius a fool decide to believe these dream, and recapture them rote.

Soothsayer

sing of eons and veils hidden in sleep I have forgotten of sun choked hinterlands ribald music wanderings Wayward wings on serpents that try hard to creep lent motion shuddering or floundering for skyward shores Idle winds come wild facing against it more limited helpless rememberer I'm sightless bore Yet the many soft returnings mark the past days arbor burnt nocturnal bright

Star Fleet Battles

I was given my first introduction to star fleet battles last night. I am really not sure it is my cup of tea. It reminded me of battletech, I think it may have originally been under Fasa so It would make sense.

I really didn't like the feeling flight in the game. I felt very hampered in what I was doing, I wanted to turn around and just fumbled around trying to vaguely turn left. I guess i was supposed to plot out a course or something but learning i just wanted to try to turn. My be i was supposed to turn to the left and point of slip to the right; I really don't know. I just felt like meh I don't want to think about this. Perhaps Battle fleet Gothic is more my thing, well except for the use of that satanic metric system.

I am really not a war gamer which may have been some of my problem. I just suck at thinking on the large scale and want to do the pen and paper RPG sort of thing. I would like to give SPi's Sniper a try that looks interesting. Also i wouldn't have to model vehicular turning.

I think i would like 40K in chit form do they have that anywhere?

Sheer Heart Attack

I don't know if my decidedly unhealthy lifestyle is working for me anymore. I just realized i feel bad right now. Continuing with that idea, I am often tired. I think I need to get some sort of exercise maybe. My heart is racing after a flight of stairs which isn't good.


I think water for as much of the day as I can stand today. Then maybe some veggies or fruit. I am just not feeling like I should right now. I can even feel the veins in my arms. That is not a good sign well unless you are looking for a heart attack.

The Ballad of Jane

There is no lost love to lament and no dreams worth crying over lost. It's not hurt smiled upon and revisited. Night is not long with loss nor courted with chords sadly ringing woe. I've no need of songs of guns nor poison warranting tearful nights of long ago. But sing sadly friend I mourn you today for its been too long and had forgot your song. Music seems meaningless mad by fools who thought yours had little meaning. Listening to song trite and simple, I forgot you knew well how to play.

Midnight Rider

I don't own the clothes I'm wearing. What an apt statement. You can't take my life, it was never mine. Life is a gift as rebirth is a gift. I have been proud and foolish to think different. I have thought all I have is this, In truth I have nothing. On what ground would someone stand and bargain or look and say no you are not great. All gifts are there for the taking but for mistake that you have something already. Don't be proud as we are less than nothing. Take heart much is being given. Give everything you are back.

My blue heaven

sit back sit back it all worthwhile from here just don't be clouded over in your fear. Its wound up in wonder at least for me just look out and you might see the sun begin to sink. All things ours are alright just remember than when worry comes tonight. Listen from the back seat the baby chats happily to the dog head held out the window as we go. We have time and a lot is sewn up tight as sun fades to night.

Got me running

Sorry i am super busy this week at work. I have a scrum sprint starting up so I am trying to work on several tasks at once. Its sort of hard for me juggling the beginning of several jobs at once. I am OK once I have been in the trenches but before then I need a bunch of thinking time.

It's sort of part of me to need to conceptually need to grasp any task. Think of the avenues of attack and get a mental lay of the land. Some people are able to just march up a hill and then keep going without thought of direction. In a physical space this is natural for me but in the mental/conceptual space Its not.

On project has be looking up various pages of a certain type. I needed to understand the aspects of these pages and what mattered and what didn't before moving on. Now I am at least at conceptually there. I figured out what i need to do, and took some time bridge the gap of how to do that. Now its just documentation of ideas.

Plus its my anniversary so i am thinking a bunch on that. It's been 17 years and with the time before the wedding i guess I have been with Denise more time than not. Its odd thinking that and I am only 37. That's not young but its not that old either. We are going to La Foret in new almaden a few miles from the house. I am going to skip on the frois gras I hate geese but still force feeding them is a dick move.

Winters Call

Under the cold of a falling sky
left alone on winters throne
Dry what I can't remember
On the embers of a breaking dawn

Sleeps left me, again elusive
ever illness come to call
it's clamouring for attention
on days i don't say a word

Wide wonder begone home
its still sickness for today
prickly pin feeling under covers
then awake cold sweet clammy

Don't dream, it's not coming
ever in need out of sight

When Lights Go Down

The mornings are seeming shorter and shorter. I can feel the time missing when I'm not with you. I'm missing so many moments of your joy, and it seems your bigger every time I take the time to notice. There are nights I'm exhausted that I come home late and think she will be asleep soon. And I am happy for the coming rest but then I hate myself for not loving the time I get. I love your flapping excitement that bounds and bubbles with everything. I love your babbles about anything said again and again. I love you Keri.

Private Eyes are watching you

I ran a game last night since our DM was busy. The first thing that jumps out at me is boy was I under prepared. I need a way to railroad the players when they need railroading. I left them to their own devices to much. Need more carrots and sticks. I have to say this is a pretty standard problem form me. I play way too lose with the story. I need to do more of a module approach i think. Or have more stuff planned to get the action going.

I was doing a late 50's early 60's spy game, that had monsters and magic thrown in. One player was a goblin, and a villain npc an ogre. I am trying to not involve much fantasy into the plot line, but rather have that be a completely espionage based story. More that there just happen to be these other elements.

I am using the Savage worlds rules to run the game, but again i was a bit under prepared to run. Really that isn't fair to the players a GM should have the rules well in hand. Maybe I should have tried the rules set i am working on. Then i would have been more familiar with them.

Right from the star the players proved the old gaming adage "give your players 10 things to do and they will do the 11Th. Tried putting a P.I. and a hood together but the hood broke away and ran off. I really lacked giving the hood motivation to hang out with the party thinking he was going to be there for the exposition of the spy threat. Now he is sort of shadowing the rest of the players. I think I am going to have him get pulled in by the cops. Then i will try to reconnect him with the party by having the fed player get called in for some reason.

I hate having to come up with some shoe horn to get the party together, but I'm a pretty sucky gm.

I talk to the wind

Ships are moving over the water
Like notes flowing in time
expiring and conspiring
from sound conceived in mind

Splinters caught in wind
cast over a field aflame
seeded in embers
Ring out in fear

Calls and warning climb
from house to home
looking for answer
but ringing upon stones

Little ships sinking with water
burning houses in the town
Don't whisper a warning
just comply to be mine
were running out of wine

I'm yours for longing eons
but stay lets end this day
It's ours for your making

I've read all the books about being ill

I have a had a lot of medical problems throughout my life. From my kidney failure, skin problems all the way to several ear operations. Even to this day the ear nose and throat doctor makes me nervous. I would much rather to go the dentist, in fact my dentist is cool. I can easily remember being terrified as a kid visiting various doctors.

Now that I am a dad seeing my kid sick is incredibly hard. We had to give my daughter some eye drops which had her screaming and very afraid. Just doing it put me back in the doctors chair terrified of some thing he was going to use on my ears. And then I would think of my kid feeling that terror and I feel like I have failed. I don't want her to go through the crap I had even in a small way. Feeling her fear put me in tears the other night. I know it and I know how deep it is when you don't understand what is happening. And for my why it seemed to happen to me so often and not other people.

I don't mean that in a why me sort of way. I mean it in a kid coming to understand that their is something pretty seriously wrong with them sort of way. So far my daughter has been very brave little girl and has had few of the problems I had. I am happy, me being sick instead of hear makes what I have gone through OK.

I am Superman

I went into a comic store at lunch this afternoon. I have never been sure about these places, I just don't feel that comfortable in them. Its like I am listening to a Rap metal band. It's close to what I like but that bit I don't sucks schlong.

First of comic book store employees are dicks. I have been in a few over the years and it has been almost universally true. The owner of Hijinx comics in San Jose is a nice guy who is genuinely helpful. So shop from him exclusively if you have the choice. The rest are douche bags who don't give you much time or effort.

Most game shop folks can talk old school product and have an idea where you can find certain types of stuff. To expand on that, they knew which shops dealt in used product or had decent back catalogs. They have an idea what products like Basic Role playing or Alquadim are. This does not seem to be the case in comic shops or I am asking for some seriously crazy crap. I understand the industry of comics is huge in comparison and the history is roughly twice that of the gaming hobby. But these people seem to only have a solid idea current titles.

To an outsider comic book store organization is fuX0r. It's organized by publisher, fucking publisher. That would be OK for DC and Marvel maybe i could make a guess between those two. But How the hell am I going to know about the existence of some third party press. I don't know shit about comics let alone who published it. Imagine a book store like that, its freaking insane.

The staff have invited their friends to hang out at the store while they work so they can ignore customers. And they will ignore you you can wander around and take a dump in the stands in some shops. The stench will mix with that of the shop hanger-ons and probably make little difference to the over all aroma. If you can get their attention ordering stuff will be a huge inconvenience to them and you. keep in mind you are going to have to come back if you do. To be fair this is mainly true for the game stores, stench especially.

Crescentstar Progressive Rock score card 6

Cuts like a knife, well everyone knows pretty much. its from Bryan Adams and is the title track of his most popular record. I really don't know why i used this for the title probably was just thinking about that song at the time.

One Pill Makes you Large One Pill makes you small is from Jefferson Airplane off the surrealistic pillow record. I was talking about my meds so figured pills was the theme.

Green is the Colour of her kind, is from Pink Floyd's soundtrack to More. It was a song I listened to back when I had more free time to drive. I remember listening to the record when driving Hicks road in San Jose, which is what I am talking about in the piece.

Party Hard is by Andrew W.K. off his I get wet. I had read some of his twitter stuff and just found it awesome. Simple Joy sort of like his song. Silly but direct to the point.

Most of the time is by Bob Dylan. Its off his Oh Mercy record but isn't the folks crap most people know of him. I think i was going for the imply opposition of my words that is inherent in his song.

All About Us is by American Analog Set. Off of the golden band record. I was just listening to this around the time i was writing so it became the title.

Trust is by Megadeth off Cryptic Writing. The piece is about my wife who loves Megadeth so I figured i would use one of their songs as the title.

Where does the time go is a miss remember of Sandy Denny's who knows where the time goes. Which is off Fairport Conventions unhalfbricking. I had listened to the song before writing so it was in my mind.

This is Halloween is off the nightmare before Christmas soundtrack. I was just looking for something about Halloween for the title so I used this.

Ready to Roll is by Flashlight Brown off My degeneration. I was just looking for a song about AD&D. There was actually a Camper Van Beethoven song I was trying to remember but couldn't. Let me know the title if you remember it.

Envy Life is by Testament who are a favorite of mine. Its off their Practice what you preach record. I was thinking about death so i thought of envy life.

One more red nightmare is by King Krimson off Red i believe. I like the Early KK but one of the people from my group is a fan of all their stuff so I thought about this song.

Keep on walking that road and I'll follow is a line from from Europe's Superstitious off Out of this world. I dont know how this song and the piece fit together, i think I may have wished i was out driving and listening to this song.

Memories sleep in dust is a line from Voivod's into my hypercube. This is off the fantastic nothingface record. I stole some of the imagery for the piece so i figured credit where it is due.

VintersKugge is a record from Isengard. I was mainly thinking of the frozen north and winter plus its viking metal so i figured why not.

The ripper is a song from Judas Priests, Sad wings of destiny. I think i was comparing the character i am playing to the ripper but i don't know its a good song anyway.

Hammer smashed face comes from Cannibal corpse. There is a lot of violent imagery associated with the band so i figured it fit.

Man in the mirror by Michael Jackson just seemed to fit for a self portrait. its from the Bad record.

Neal's Fandango is off Stampede by the doobie brothers. I was thinking of the rambling and traveling aspect so i used it.

Neal's Fandango

Driving streets that have been made and remade so many times you cant sort out the building that died there. Its all so new and remade you have to try hard to touch our history that has already been lost. Seems we set fire to all that is meaningful to remake it; whipping away the past for a future that was a mistake to being with. Technology centers full of pointless projects sit atop the ghosts of companies that dreamed our present in the days of my youth. The bars that birthed circuits are now housing; after a burst housing boom. Much is new and shiny and empty just waiting. Whole streets and centers empty. Well except for a few tractor trailers and weathered motor homes that shift about the city. Housing a few near homeless gypsy souls.

Man in the Mirror

I'm fat, real fat; and shorter than I should be but still pretty tall. I've got that Gary Coleman disease but come from tall folk so it worked out. My hair is brown with a little blond or blond with a little brown but lately its getting too thin. I cut out there curls so it seems thicker and covers up my head. I have full lips that are deep red and luxurious, they would look great on a girl but that's another story. The teeth underneath crunched and crooked but sit together fine so i never got braces. There is a cavernous cleft chin and a silly moustache inspired by Max Mavin. My nose is Germanic or would be if it wasn't so broke, now people mistake me Jewish. I've got little bumps that festoon my skin that I hate and razor away but them seem to come back in a few days. All in all a mess would you say?

Hammer smashed face

I awoke to find a large bruise discoloring the majority of my calf. On further inspection I was able to discern it to be a hematoma rather than run of the mill bruising. While concerning, I had become accustomed to unexplained mishaps of the year. Maybe I was a violent sleeper and maybe my wife had been roughing me up in my sleep, but this was an all too common experience. What i found alarming was my own reaction to this experience. In discovering the bruise I had looked for and detected an impact point that presented itself as the source of the damage. I found myself taking a sterile razor blade and removing a portion of necrotized skin around the wound. This allowed some flow of blood which in turn removed the discoloration of the surrounding flesh. Seeing the change in the marking I choose to proceed with a series of vertical razor cuts running the full area of the hematoma. While this allowed for a small lightening of the area I question my instinct. In retrospect I often find myself making questionable decisions with some regularity.

The Ripper

Talking about D&D and my more nerdy vices, I figured I would let you in on my current character. We are playing under the pathfinder rule set, which is basically a 3.75 version of D&D, AD&D, whatever. We are playing in the default pathfinder setting using Pazio's king maker series. I have been out for a long long time so I am basically just returning to the game.

I am playing a character based off a chaotic fighter a friend played in a campaign long long ago in a garage far far away. That character was an all black wearing fighter who just did weird crap. I am taking that concept and trying to play through it and create a bigger character. I am trying to give the back story that he was a herder that was pressed into becoming a soildier. To represent that i started with a level of barbarian. I will go fighter for awhile then maybe sorc to dragon disciple.

Str 18
Dex 10
Con 10
Int 14
Wis 10
Cha 14

Hp 12


Skills
Climb 1 +3+4=8
Handle Animal 1 +3+2=6
Intimidate 1 +3+2=6
Knowledge (Arcana) 1 +2=3
Knowledge (Nature) 1 +3+2=6
Survival 1 +3=4
UMD 1 +4+2=7

Feats:Improved Unarmed combat, Iron will
Traits:Dangerous curiosity, Roslander

Vinterskugge

Drums ring out from the treeline signaling those on the ice of the coming attack. A caravan of sleds pulled by yapping dogs fell with a hush as the first volley of arrow dotted the sky. The men gave cover to the children and women folk, draping themselves across and taking the brunt of the arrows.

In a moment amongst the carnage one would look down at the blood mingling and mixed with water, finding cracks and fingers in the ice made beautiful in gore. But that moment was obliterated with the first of the charge.

Whoops and screams rang out with the spear men rushing across the lake. Jannik waited motionless measuring their distance. Looking for the point of commitment in their approach. Finally he swung his hammer down hard on the ice. Then Again and again. Rage and terror erupted around him. Then the cracking of the ice.

Memories Sleep in Dust

These words fall, then sit here entombed, forgotten and in decay. They should run with meaning on others breath, but here they are held up. Stock Piled in the cellar waiting aimless; said, forgot, and re said as something new. Desperate to become meaning but falling short and said when no one was listening.

Keep on walking that road and I'll follow

Night is rolling into the day, giving just my sort of evening. I feeling it behind me as I'm trying to keep my head down and dive into work. But its beautiful and its been a while since the last time I noticed. It's well remembered drives with friends and time out of mind. Somewhere behind me ringing memories sublime

One more red nightmare

I am still feeling less than enthusiastic about gaming. I think I may return to the Pathfinder group but I am a little nervous about that. I would give me self a 50/50 shot at staying. I don't know why. I am a little concerned about being lower level but, it seems like the game is not progressing very quickly. We were like that when playing Everquest at first. Took us like a year to get to twenty.

Also there is some weirdness with some of the people. Some i just don't know, others I do too well. Its like ugh we are gaming that's about it, but they don't realize that is where it ends. Some understand though. I just don't want to put myself in a situation were i have to spell out anything uncomfortable about people, because I will. Then it will be hard to go back to just a gaming relationship.

I really would like to do some gaming with some gaming with people from the way back if its possible. Rick, Derek, Brian and folks like that. I remember gaming being a lot more fun with those folks, but life was a bunch easier.

It was always fun getting into a new group and getting to know their extra baggage, but the group from High School and beyond was the best. It was almost like a lifestyle rather than just a game. There we some many other games, movies to see and tapes to hear. It was coming into another culture almost, as if going to a German restaurant for the first time. You had to go in deep just to understand the lame jokes everyone was saying. And it was a great time.

Envy Life

As we being to look forward to the new year, I am struck by two words I'm Exhausted. Having a Kid is no little amount of work. Doing much beyond watching the girl and work isn't happening.

For the new year my goals are to play video games less and work more. On this site, on cleaning, on my house. On just everything that isn't sitting comatose.

One of my plans is to get a users guide written up for my family. This will include how to pay bills, where important accounts are located. Who we use for doctors who our important contacts are and such. I guess it's a will of sorts but also more. Contacts and other information just so its located in one place. Should I die in a car crash I want my girl to be able to talk to some of my friends and have their contact info. Also my wife and I need to know what and how the other does stuff, if one of us was gone.

From then I plan on seeing a financial planner. Money is something I have no clue about and getting it somewhere safe would be smart. I am talking about safe from inflation too. I can have it all in Roleplaying games and Atari cartridges anymore.

And I'm gonna eat salad.

Well that's it have a happy new year folks.

Ready to Roll

I have been hesitant to go into much depth about my gaming obsession, it's sort of like a dirty little secret that people keep well under wraps. I know a lot of people who just won't talk about it until you give them the secret hand shake and in a discreet locale. But In the interest of casting some link onto the subject of "El Diablo" I will come clean. Yes I am a gamer, and a presently active gamer. I didn't put away my toys when I grew up and still buy more.

So there it is, I'll let you chew on that a bit. This is going to be pretty game centric, so you may want to read something else or find a less dwarf loving blog.

Everyone gone yet?

Hello my gaming friends, I would like to thank you for your time. I am concerned with our hobby. I have been looking at the store and have found for all the retro love of crunchy games, producers are just not making very fun products anymore. By this I mean books that would make the fourteen year old me rush into the mall B. Dalton's and thumb through excited as Christmas morning. Where has the "oh cool" gone from the bookshelves? Adolescent joy is now the anathema of the game store.

Please dear reader let us take look over a sample store's shelves.After wandering around a bit, I found a few books tucked under a miniatures cabinet. Initially I thought this some sort of overstock area but the books were sort of new and had limited water damage. Most were 4Th edition Dungeons and Dragons or some sort of White wolf product. The variety was pretty limited and I have to admit I own more gaming books than were on this sad little shelf. Most were uniform and nondescript, and so I left partially growling at the cashier offering me help. A second store later I found myself face to face with actual variety worthy of browsing. Most of the large line products were here, the core rule books were present, they sold dice. OK, In the right place now. Suck it D&J your a joke. Now that I am at a real store it hits me. These games aren't fun, they are for the aged and mature. They have great settings with depth and plot but shit if they ain't any fun. They practically scoff at my younger self. Here the cold realization sets in, I would be a Warcraft player not a gamer if young these days! Back then while I enjoyed shows like the prisoner, I loved military movies and bad scifi. My friend and I bought silly martial arts weapons from flea markets. Tramped around the woulds and acted like fools. A good game would let us embrace and live out the technicolor violence we dreamed.

As I looked around I saw about eight varieties of Call of Cthulu games. This was the old guy game back in my time, you were going after story and a simple system that let you move the plot along with little else here. Gun's didn't win the day, if you saw a monster you had already lost. You weren't gonna bazooka Hastur to the stone age. This was a game I yawned and passed, but now its taking over the store. And may more setting focused games prowl the shelves, subtly reinventing genres and defanging joy.

In the growth of the hobby we are failing those new to it. Sure there is D&D but when there is only one genre of MMO's why would more of that same genre give new players anything other than a familiar starting point. Where are the Torg's or Dark Conspiracies of this day? Even Shadowrun has matured out of the DMZ to some sort of Sunday night story fest for forty-somethings. Perhaps the last bastion of the over the top gamer is Palladium books.

Krampus for Christmas post five

Idunn watched and listened, again from her window, down on the neighbors yard. In the morning the monster began hurrying about a table. she heard Krampus mumbled "it's going to be a warm day", but still the sky was grey. He hurried and worried with a feast fit for several kings and queens, a baron and few veterans to dine.

There was a bird or rather many, Idunn guested twenty but really only thirty. The beast was turning them into a feast, a roast of birds of time gone bye. Krampus would laugh at a turduken, that was only three, he made his ten fold bigger you see. He had an ostrich, an emu, emperor penguin on down the line a pigeon a blue jay with a humming bird finally stuffed it would taste just fine. The sides were corn and potatoes, stuffing, candied yams and cranberries. He had great grandma's chocolate and pumpkin pies. Idunn wondered where he got the recipe, grandma kept a secret card, but the monster's smelled the same cooling on the table in the yard.

Idunn's parents called her it was time to go. On the drive she wondered and and wondered who Krampus cooked for, she wondered and wished she could know. But she saw a long haired man with a guitar hop the fence when she got her coat. One lock of hair was white the rest blandly brown, he dressed like the conductor of a jazz trio. He had some trouble with the fence but Krampus helped him down. Her parents hurried her along but she hoped to be home in time to hear a song.

Krampus for Christmas post 4

Really that's was what Krampus was. A monstrous mascot for Christmas, even though that seems awfully strange. Sure he played Santa's strong arm and was fond of causing bodily harm, but he loved Christmas all the same.

Love that left him feeling out of place even amongst all the fun. To their roaring electric mayhem of music Krampus thought of merry little carols and started to hum. For the candy He thought of cookies and ask the barman for eggnog and rum. His friends had had enough of him when he arranged the skeletons into a nativity and wondered why they asked Krampus to come.

Krampus wondered too, he wasn't a fan of crowd and thought the music a little loud. Soon he was leaving, stealing away into the night. After awhile of being alone he started to feel alright. He was happy for the moon, leading him home all pink and bright.

Krampus for Christmas 3rd post

Others would mark fall, full of it's own joy. And even Krampus would eat candy corn and mark the dates of Krispy Kreme's coming out with pumpkin spice doughnuts, but Christmas was the matter on his mind. Lists to keep up with. Lists of children to beat, children to eat. It was all very important to keep straight. Strand lights to be checked and recheck. Switches needed to be cut. One would be exhausted with worry if not starting very early.

Late in October when much was in hand, Krampus relieved as it was going as planned, he took time to enjoy the autumn. Sea of leave caught in the air, whipping and whirling dancing without care. Lawns left patchwork blanketed, some carefully raked and made nakeded.

And then there was the party,A mad mad monster of a party. Metal's mascot monsters all loved Halloween, and all the monsters from all the albums you've ever seen, all partied on Halloween. Not Man, Vic and Eddie, Voivod and Sargent D , Snaggletooth even Set Abominae. All came to a gala night in the latter of the year.

This is Halloween

I had the pleasure of taking my daughter trick or treating last night. Its a really good experience to take her out and to see all the other people out on the streets. While we were out I noticed there were a lot fewer houses handing out candy than I remember as a kid. Another oddity was those who were giving candy usually had invested real time in decorating. One house I seriously considered giving the guy a time for the over the top decorations.

What I saw that I really loved was the the community coming together in ways that they just don't these days. I have seen a similar community spirit on streets that all do Christmas lights. I don't talk much to my neighbors, I don't have a feeling of street pride. It shouldn't be this way and it wasn't in years past. We should know the people we live next to, and shouldn't have the fear that is stopping kids from enjoying the season.

My friend is a haunter, he mentioned that his kids school won't use the word Halloween. And I know its dick lame when people wont say Christmas or attack us lighters. Usually is some hates everything traditionally western douche saying the drain on power isn't green in my case. I think its the Christian's pissed off about Halloween and people talking crap about Christmas in his.

Look people our nation is falling apart you gotta just drop it. Everyone needs to take a step back and realize your neighbors are the people you are gonna depend on some time in your life. If there is a fire, they are gonna call the fire department for you. If there is a flood you are gonna be shoveling sand bags with them. Build relationships with these people in the ways you can. I light my house for others peoples kids as much as my own. To be a good guest arrive with gifts and go with the flow. Be a good guest while you are here.

Krampus for Christmas part ugh more

What the little girl would see if she could see was the monster, in the garage, searching for boxes. Boxes of lights, boxes of bells. Boxes of garland. All amongst the rafters that were loaded too high. And the monster, we will call him Krampus it was his name, worked with monstrous hands at a string of Christmas lights all wadded up tight.

You see this was no ordinary monster, if there is an ordinary kind, but a Christmas monster and it suited him just fine. Maybe he whipped the wicked and thought bad children were delicious to dine, but he kept the Christmas spirit as they did in olden time. He never knew a humbug or was without cheer, well at least during Christmas time of year.

Even though it was too early, Krampus worried he was late, moving the calendar forward and circled the date. Many days and months, it was a long time away, but still Krampus worried and started working that day. Did I say it was still summer, it was you see. There was still Canadian Thanksgiving and Halloween to go, Veterans day an election, but Krampus thought about getting a tree.

Where does the time go

Be warm with joy as the day grows dark, be sure I'm thinking of you when I shouldnt be. Be kind and firm with our child and remember I would do anything for you both. Don't worry with your work it's only work, I'd help if I could. Be glad for little things, a free road is a wonderful thing. Be sure I'm happy to be home with you, I be there now if i could. Remember the simple days we had nothing but time to be together. Remember I love you

Trust

She cracks like a stone under the load that everyone and I have set her with. Its never been fair but she takes and doesn't complain even when stumbling. I come to help when she lets on there is pain but too often Ill decide not to see. Everyone everything and me are adding weight. I want to cut her free but I'm afraid that would mean getting rid of me and I'm scared. Failing her again and my promises are just words but I'm trying.

All About Us

When I was growing up the bridge over the freeway seemed like a crossing to another land. The shallow drainage creeks held dark passages of danger as they crossed under the highway. It was all secret and unseen or rewritten in my mind to be some sort of wonderful kingdom of forever autumn. All was freedom and even night held little sway. I didn't fear and there was little worry when I was gone late after dark.

But I fear this autumn land is gone and there is nothing for my daughter. I can't let her see streets as I have. There is no map only tales lite with the soft disappointment of her never being able to go.

Most of the time

I'm not drunk with longing that makes the words come easy. I'm not falling with a rush that steals my breath. The stars don't wheel around me or blaze in breaking joy. It's not all joy and wonder, But beyond that to something solid and real. My head is well above water and I see land in sight. It's a city beyond the city that is dreamed of past the edge of site. Memory isn't forgotten, but held precious tight. Perhaps again it will take me if the scarecrow speaks tonight.

Party Hard

Lunch was great today, Octoberfest at Harry's hofbrau. Really it doesnt get much better than sitting in the bar, on one of their wingbacks. I love the cool weather and overcast sky. I dont want to be a food blogger or just talk about random stuff from my day, but a good day is always worth comment.

I hope everyone can find something great about autumn and sing its praises. This is really my time of year, and I hope everyone else can enjoy it like I am.

Take an evening walk or roll down the windows on the drive home. just find something you love and go with it.

Green is the colour of her kind

I'm missing the last of the sun ripple through the trees, at a certain bend of the road. Just past the dam but before the second climb. Where the waters are gone and the woods are thick. It will be ripe with sage smell caught deep in the hills. It's not so far as the stand of houses across the creek or the long road to the radar tower. But I remember and its calling me like an echoing sweet of a day gone. But I remember.

Krampus for Christmas

A little girl watched the monster next door from a window and wondered. He was furry and clawed and had a hoof ,not two, and he was barbecuing in the neighbors backyard. He would be scary with his horns but he sang off key, as the radio played journey. Her Parents had said monsters weren't real, but here one was, grilling hamburgers.

She had watched the monster since her family moved next door. Afraid at first but curious each day a little more. he slept in a little dog house even though he was very big and stuck mostly out. The monster didn't make a mess and was nice to the dog. So the little girl wasn't concerned or astonished, but she knew something didn't seem right. He wasn't big foot or a yeti or even the Iron Maiden mascot Eddie. But he lived next door and none of her friends had a neighbor like him! maybe it?

The Monster was intent on his work and paid no attention to little eyes looking from the window. He just cooked and cooked, some for the dog and some for him but still more burgers than could have been et up by the two of them. While he watched the smoke trail away a dry and crumpled leaf fell from a mulberry tree. This wouldn't have meant anything to anyone any other day. But mattered and the monster muttered and left the hotdogs still cooking, walking away.

One Pill Makes you Larger One Pill Makes you Small

I take a fist full of pills a couple times a day. These are related to my transplant. Just to be informative of what the medicines are like to someone thinking of transplant I am going to talk about them.

Prograf and Cellcept are my immune suppressants. I have a hard time separating the effects of one or the other since I always take them together. I take these so I don't have a rejection of the transplanted kidney. The side effects of these are many. I can have a burning sensation in the tips of my fingers, though this has not happened in a long time. I have shaking of my hands at times. There is also a problem with concentration and I'll be damned if I don't always type homonyms wrong every time.

Prednisone is a steroid that I take for immune Suppression. I fucking hate this med. I makes you eat like a pig and have roid rage. Seriously I have come close to hurting people. I was a serious problem.

That leads me to Celexa which is an uptake inhibitor type med. Basically this is a happy pill. I take it because of the hulking out incidents I mentioned above. This gives me a few seconds before I get into the rage. Basically I am given the choice If I go Viking berzerker.

I also take something to prevent gout. Gout is a very common when you are on the other medicines above. Imagine an evil monster attacking your foot and you get an idea. I only take this when I have to. I won't go into the side effects but it rhymes with serious rectal bleeding.

There are some other meds for blood pressure but I had those before and don't see them as part of the transplant. Oh a weird thing has to happen before going to the dentist, I take a huge dose of ammoxocillin before each visit. Its a precaution so I don't get sick, really no biggy.

Well if you have questions let me know.

Cuts like a Knife

I am trying to be more active these days. Reviving the Blog from its torpor, but getting physically active as well. I think I come alive in the fall a bit. I don't know if its the association with the new starts of school or the weather just fitting my mood. But I am trying to be a marginally better self than I have been.

I hit the weights last night. Just starting really but its something. One thing that bugs me is I don't really know what to do. I started working out at the gym years ago. My friend sort of set up a routing there that took advantage of the machines around. Since I am doing free weights at home now, I am a little lost. I mixed up arms and chest last night, but I really want to have arms, chest and back nights. I have to get cardio in there too, which I hate.

For the writing I am taking a pretty light approach but I am trying to make sure I keep at it. Blogs live or die by post frequency. I just want to make sure I am producing enough actual writing as opposed to this.

Crescentstar Progressive Rock Score Card 5

Wrapped up in Powdered Wool is a line from a Genesis song called Cuckoo Cocoon. This is from The Lamb Lies down on Broadway. Fantastic record The song was definitely working on my introversion at the time. Feeling alone and the world was against me. I was looking for some escape.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBx-zjFHVT8



One of my turns this is the title of a Pink Floyd song from The Wall. Again i was definitely talking about having some dark thoughts and my outbursts at the time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foU3JXCKcBc



Never Let Go is the title of a Camel song. I think this comes from their self titled record in 1973. I don't know if the song really related to my writing at the time so much as I was listening to it a bunch at that time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbqaKyVEFjU



Viscous Battle Raps is a bit of fun really. Not anything that was touching my writing just a fun song and video. The song is from DJ Format's music for the mature B-Boy. I don't even know what a bboy is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbjyG6fvv3c




Build a little Birdhouse in your soul is They might be giants. I think there is something of the song buried in the piece but I don't know if i am against it or not. I like the band i think they are fun. I think that song comes off their Flood record
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAbZzdalZh4



Wither the song i was referring to is from Dream Theater's black clouds and silver linings album. I am getting more at the talking to people thing here trying to let it out, in my writing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBdVCLWluj4




I'd rather trust a country man than a town man, again we have a fragment of a genesis song off The Lamb Lies Down on Broad Way. The song is The Chamber of 32 Doors. I was listening to the song more than making it a big part of the meaning of my post here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcPeWrAAT6I


Jump well that's Van Halen from 1984 you know that. I was probably thinking of jumping of something high and just saying it. You have heard that song a 1000 times so I won't post a link. I actually like Van Hagar better anyway. Sorry i guess that make me a bad person.



Suedehead well that is Morrissey from Viva Hate. I guess i am getting at isolation of not being understood there. I find Morrissey pretty funny actually the Smith's too. I think of it as witty but I think there are people who may want to have heart break in their life to be more like the mans songs, wow that is so much effort.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JenlsnA9-mE



Do you like American Music is of course from the Violent Femmes. I think the record is Why do birds sing, at least that is what wiki says. I only know it from the radio. Its a fun song and I sing along in the car, even though i am not the sort of person who does that normally.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=32508423



Even Spaces is something that I have been listening to from Brian Eno and Robert Fripp. I wish i knew the record it is from. It almost sounds like something missing from my brain, and I am confused why those two guys have it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYvWTx6hQuk


Teen aged Spaceship is from a guy named Smog. Wiki says the record is called Knock Knock. I like the tones of the song and the harmonics more than the lyrics. Under the simple it has a depth that really shines.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JjjJfnAM7E


Getting to hope you like me, well i was just being goofy hear i think this is a kids song or something i really know nothing about it.

Wet Leaves and Smoke

Wet leaves and smoke are all we can see, when we try to pace lost laneways that make up me. If I wait a while to feel it come to place, it seems lost without a trace. If you held me or touched my hand the is not memory in this land. Sleep comes too easy when we only want to speak, i'm hoping for winter as all i feel is bleak. Daring to get closer I want even more.

Getting to hope you like me

I know this sort of forum is generally shouting into the sea. I have been thinking about facebook and the factors of many people using it. And I feel that there is an underlying narcissism that is driving social media. That is why I have tried to remain invisible behind the words. But many bloggers I have talked to have stressed putting something on the line. To develop a connection beyond the passing.

If you are music minded you will notice the titles of my bits are mainly songs or fragments of songs. They are usually less related to the material than they are things I have been listening to around the writing process. Because of this there is usually some sort of link in tone, as I have a difficult time listening to music that doesn't fit my mood.

A bunch of this crap is heavy metal or progressive rock. Sort of my go to listening choices. Post Rock has also been a much of what I listen to these days. I find it dark enough to fall behind my feelings. Well except for that Sigur Ros stuff that sounds likes like a music box and it's too full of tintinnabulation for me. Then you have goofy songs that appeal to me for no real reason than they do. I know Smog doesn't really work out on an Iron Maiden mix tape.

I will do another score card post and list where the music is coming from, so you have an idea of where I am at these days.

When I am not working or with my wife and daughter, I am screwing off on video games. If I could somehow get to all the stuff I dream up and stop just playing video games I would almost be an interesting person. If you want to stop on buy the DDO Khyber server and want to say hi, I am Svegrund. My garage if full of games I mainly collect and seldom play, I don't like that I want to play or should get rid of them.

Well I think that's it for now. Hey if you want to connect blogs let me know. I am going to try to figure out how I can link with my friends war gaming blog.

Teenaged Spaceship

Well i had a coworker who's brother was on dialysis and scared of getting a transplant. I wanted to say something on that and be encouraging of transplantation.

I have had bouts of nephritis since i was eleven, and was having declining kidney function. But it was pneumonia around my birthday in 1998 that killed off my kidneys finally. I was sick but kept going which was bad for someone with my precondition.

The doctors had me do the fistula operation pretty quickly, but I had a wait letting the access mature. This was pretty bad. I had a night where I assumed I was going to die right before dialysis. It was my anniversary actually, I remember we were staying in Monterrey and I was trying to stay up a much as I could while my wife was asleep. I thought that was going to be it if I went to sleep. So i stayed up watching U-Turn, it was heart warming. I passed out sometime after that but woke up eventually. I think i sweated out the toxins that night, I was waking up in pools of sweat all the time then.

They got me on dialysis a couple of days later saying no matter the access I needed to be on dialysis. My first run was pretty good actually I felt way better after it. I was able to work while doing the runs it was almost passing for a life. Then i got changed to a new unit that was a slaughter house. Someone died every month I was on dialysis there, it was pretty crushing. My parents visited me once I think that made up my mom's mind that she wanted to donate.

I forget when we started the transplant process but it seemed to drag on so slow. That was until Oct 2009 then it was like OK we are doing it. They made me get an extra run the day before the transplant and I was in the hospital in three days. It was pretty crazy being on dialysis day to day with no real idea of when the operation is and then bam! your in the hospital.

The night before I was pretty scared there was a bunch of stuff with antibiotics and immune suppressants. Being deloused with some crazy shampoo. Then they took my mom in at some point in the morning, I thanked her and she was out. I remember seeing my wife's family and then they wheeled me to the operating table around 11am. The drugs hit then I don't remember any thing until the next day. I guess the operation was 12-14 hours and wasn't easy. My mom had an extra arterial separation they didn't expect. I don't remember the recovery room just being in my room.

The first day after the transplant was the worst day of my life. I was in so much pain it was crazy. They gave me drugs every four hours and it would drop me for an hour, I would be OK for another hour then i would be in bad pain for two more hours. that was my day. Fuck the pain was beyond belief. I was a wuss before this now I don't even notice when I mess myself up. Seriously I accidentally drilled my finger with a power drill and it didn't hurt much. This day was terrible.

Day two really wasn't great but wasn't terrible. Bad days on dialysis were worse. I was still in pain but it was OK enough and the medicine did its job. I was getting up for walks that they forced me to take. Day three was good, I could get out of bed no problem and was getting around. Day four they gave me a banana! Been awesome since then.

I had to wear sweats for a month, I'm a jeans guy, didn't like that. But Denise would get me breakfast in the morning. Even today its really special when she makes that for me. She helped me so much during my recovery, taking me to the hospital all the time. You have to have your blood tested every day for a while then every other day. Now its a couple of times a year. I have my fistful of meds i take every day but other than that i am just like everyone else.

And that is pretty good considering dialysis.

Even Spaces

You know I am legitimately happy these days and not some blissful contentment that feels alien and hollow. This is real like these just are ok. Its almost Frith in that lift is just going on ok. I am working not too far away, i get to wear jeans everyday. Its the sort of day to day hard work for having enough that everyone deserves.

Do you like American Music?

Hey, I'm Jim, How are you doing? People want personal connection with their blogs these days so I guess I need to open up, which is not something I do very well. But here goes.

I am a guy in my mid to late thirties, I think you can tell music and video games are interests, at least if you have read this mess. I am a software QA engineer in my professional life and have worked all over silicon valley. I recently switched over from contracting to FTE and I am very happy about that. I like where I work much more than PayPal and the commute is way better than Obopay.

I have a daughter who takes up a lot of my time, she is 2 now. You can probably see a lot of posts before the last two years an not very many now, yeah that's her fault. I wasn't sure about having kids before she was born but I love her. If you don't like kids, maybe it will be comforting to her i don't really like them either but I love her.

I have had a kidney transplant and been on dialysis. My view point is very much altered after these events and I am pretty cynical about life. I was before too, just more now. I am happy to talk to people who failed, failing or transplanted kidneys. I am not into talking about it to healthies, you guys can screw off with your working organs.

I don't like to talk about politics, religion or the great pumpkin.

Well that's it for now, i think you can get an idea of who I am and where I am coming from from my writing, but I will try to update more like this.

Autumn Project 2

Ok I am no artist, I am just going out on a limb. This is part of my Autumn project which I have invited a few people to join in on. The idea is to do something with the theme of Fall. We started fresh on Thursday September 24th and go until early November. Since it can be of any medium I am trying a medium that I am not a master of, this is also to get people to give it a try that may not have.

Autumn Project 1

Endless summer nights are looking for an end
black winged flights rushing suddenly south
Night is settling softly down
brittle leaves cast off summers crown

Longing songs invoke the harvest breed
Last we spoke you were drowning in your need
first rains fell with your words
looking to the sky its all i heard

lights are burning now falling night
were inturing a summer of delight
all undone im driving on my own
toward the seaside all alone

Death of the Eagle

In the face of all these joys I will transcend today. Beyond the meaningless you imply with meaning I will transcend. Birthed of wings and dreams I will chase over the sea. Upon the land in elegant feline machines steeped in avarice. I will transcend the conquered mountains that lay at my feet. As my blood washes seventeen clean I will transcend.

Suedehead

I dont get it but I am more than people can handle. I start to mention what is going on and everyone tells me to shut up or ignores me. I could hold a gun to my head and I swear everyone would ignore me.

I know i have burned my wife out on this crap. I am trying to find other people to talk to. She has her own stuff going on right now. And I have been like this for years, i dont know if its even fair to her. She has heard it and I have said it to her for so long I am sick of saying it.

I start talking about the failures I have had trying to find a job to my dad and he says Oh stop that crap. Ok fine i guess im used to that from him by now. I just wanted an honest adult conversation and I tried to reach out. I know failure isnt something people want to discuss but its all I have in my pockets right now. I can't talk about my mom about it.

I mention some of my negativity to other people and they just shrug it off. How do i get people to talk about feelings that hurt them. Im just falling down a bit and wonder how I can get back up. What am I doing wrong, what have I done wrong. Am I the person I think I am. Am I any good at stuff, have I tricked myself into thinking I am competent. What is fair for me to hope, look for and expect out of life.

I guess the poetry has left my words, its all too desperate for any eloquence. Im so sickened now

Jump

When I think about the idea that there is a reason for all things... damn I must be pretty useless. Look at this new contract I am working. I just push buttons all day I could think but that just slows the job down. Is there someone here I am supposed to help? I wish they would make their need known, so I can do my part and leap like Scott Bakula.

I dont even get this place, they are paying me pretty well, but anyone could do this. I could have done it in highschool. Now I have a solid QA skill set and a desire to use my mind instead of turning it off. Get a 15 dollar an hour intern its a total win for them.

Give me a reason to be here please...I'm just hoping the next leap will be the one back home

I'd rather trust a country man than a town man

For a moment I felt that familiar bite of melancholy but then it slipped away, leaving me with this nagging contentment. It doesnt feel right at all, at least not on me. I struggle intellectually and in some since authentically, I mean it just feels like someone elses contrived happiness.

It's like I was sent to Fiddlers Green, istead of the Valhalla of Metal where Randy Rhoads ever plays lead with Piggy playing chords even God forgot. Phil and Cliff take turns a Rickenbacker bass. This should be my destined place. With passions poured ever over and enough need to fuel my art.

Instead I have another mans heaven a bright and shining land I have no idea how to walk.

Wither

I have been talking to a few people concerning my feelings of detachment and they say its either a state buddhists constantly try to obtain or my anti crazy med dosage is too high.

I think i am going to have to trust that the dialectic nature of things will bring me back around to myself sometime. But for active pursuit of my normal self i think i have two options. Go off my medications and listen to slayer until im pissed off again. Or two, If i miss motivation I must go through the motions of motivation. Pretend until I am not fronting. Actually now that I think of it Maybe if i denied myself everything I would come to want again.

I am not sure which of those is the best to persue, but the virtues say action is better than inaction.

Build a little Birdhouse in your Soul

Answers are not the desire of the seeker but instead the search. When truth comes without work it is unfulfilling, when it comes after a long journey the traveller is left without purpose. Direction dissolved what are you, being without intent. Moderation in all things even contentment, we are most ourselves with our longing. I do not recognize myself without my desire, will others? I can only assume I will return to me, though this casts away doubt it fills me with more contentment.

Vicious Battle Raps

Day two, Well i am still pleasantly unmotivated, I find myself questioning the motivation behind my need to do things. Many times I am motivated to become someone other than myself. I do not see a point following that course when I am content in self. Why do i seek to fulfill trivial needs and wants? What if I possess these things what would I be? Do i expect company if I own things enjoyable to people? Why call people with things when there are others willing to exchange their company for my own.

Most of what I see is desire to change self and have self affirmed by others. No one can build your self esteem other than you through works. Others can only hurt self if you give them that power. You are your own judge and executioner and attachment to things or other ideas of self only hold you back. Self will take care of its own desires, intellectuals read without desire, the kind give without thinking. There is no need to become something else, you are that or you are not.

Without emotion i miss my motivations. I think of myself moved by things and taking a direction, the is missing and i note it missing. I do not feel guilt or sorrow that it is gone

Never Let Go

I find myself having found a new feeling of detachment that is not unpleasant. I feel lost from my desires, people and place. It is new to be detached without sorrow. To be free from even a hint of need. I wonder how long it will last but I dont know how to live in this state, I say that without worry. It is as if I will eat only out knowing it is needed. It has been only a few hours since have been able to posit this feeling but it isnt unpleasant.

Some Sunday Evening

let me hold you and I will be happy for awhile. lets have our hands on each other like two people in love tonight. Can you yield to me when I kiss you? Can you be just mine and put aside your doubts if only tonight? Can we be free together late in the evening. Will you still hold me after we have filled our hearts til their breaking. Will you look at me long and not throw up a wall with you legs balled up between us. Will you fall asleep with your arms wrapped around me forgetting your fears as you come to rest?

One of my turns

Im going to say this as honest and simply as possible. Im not ok. I feel like I need someone to just say "I care about you. I'll come if you need me." Believe me I need you now, whoever you are. I feel like my failures are a burden to my family, I feel like even saying somethings fucked up here hurts them. Like Jim is having one of his turns again. heading home contemplating the silent freeway it gets worse, driving by a hundred rejections. When i get home its great with my wife and my girl, til it gets later and these feelings creep back in my head. Then i feel guilty even when they look at me, like I've been letting them down all their lives.

Why are you running away?

wrapped up in powdered wool

Honestly I feel like an island now, I am reaching out desperately at times and I don’t think people get it. It’s like I am speaking in a language no one gets. They recognize me and say hi the just hear me and look confused as they pass along. I’m passing along little coded messages that it’s not alright. I thought they might have the keys to decode what I am saying, after knowing me. I guess I have kept something back for so long that I cant throw open the doors when i'm in need. Too scared to be in everyones attention when i say "help me". Maybe its hubris i just dont want to be weak; but it seems like i have been telling everyone just how weak I am my whole life. Pan Pan,test for echo

Crescent star Rock score card 4

Watched by empty silhouettes.....peter gabriel...line from solsbury hill

cracklin' Rose ...Neal diamond..Song title

stargazer...Rainbow...Song from feel the rainbow i think

Peach Blossom and Bitter almond...Genesis... line from the broadway melody of 1974

chloe Dancer/ Crown of thorns ...Mother Love Bone....Song

Stranded starfish have no place to hide...Peter Gabriel...Line from The Flood

Men of station...Some Anticon project...Song title

Where the hell ive ended up on this glary random day...Ben Folds Five... line from evaporated

Disciples of the Watch....Testament...Song title

Cities in the Dust....Souixe and banshees maybe...song title

I believe when i fall in love with you it will last forever...Stevie wonder...song title

I believe when i fall in love with you it will last forever

I guess the need to write is welling up again. Strange how it comes and goes almost like an addiction, burning until you give in and then gone for a time. I almost beat it this time, but here I am timidly tapping out sentences. Maybe I am throwing myself in with all the passion of a new love, or one long lusted for that finally takes one slip.

I am going to do this and try to be as open as I can. Throw up some of the stuff I have long held back, not knowing where to put them. Scared they may be mocked.

Yell and prod me if more doesnt come along soon, I need as much pushing as I can get.

employed again

Hi folks

Well i am working again at Obopay. Go check it out

on a sudden storm

where once the sky broke bright now i only see claws and crows moving fast. Running with flags and ribbons herald dark the weather rushing upon the unsuspecting town. Bruised and Burn down the far off hills until it hold most of the sky it whispers words few are not scared to speak. Bringing a still that drives wings from the sky where they shudder and flop against a ground now dark. Birds scream and thrash calling forgiveness at airs that have rejected them. At last against sheltering glass comes the rain that drowns the day

On the traditional celebration of Leif Erikson's day

on the traditional celebration of Erikson's day.


The ninth of October the blackest day, for it is Erikson's day. Few hold the old ways but I speak them unto you. We wake to clean and brush out teeth as cleanliness has long been valued by the Nordic people. We hunger and so eat the tradition viking breakfast of Muslix harvest fruit, served cold in remembrance of the fjords. Again we brush our teeth, as stated above the Scandinavians are a very clean people. To finish our morning we dress. When choosing clothing denim and leather are especially esteemed fabrics, wrist guards or full leather bracers are considered core component of ones outfit. A broad sword or battle axe is the traditional compliment to ones outfit.

When performing ones duties during the day do not hesitate, mince or use caution; but be assured of yourself. Cut with a single stalwart chop. Take time to ponder the sea, gaze longingly upon it if you live near a port city. Fill your desires with excess and live this day to the full. Give but do not take, pay only with cash, coin or gold. Do not further or debts and pay them down if you can.


For the Norwegians and Swedes long connection to heavy metal, listen only to death or doom metal. Danes may consider listening to their kinsman King Diamond. Beat up your English friends a little unless they "God save us from the fury of the northmen!" Then buy them a mead. Give crude gestures to your local Columbus Day parade. At home decorated with two ravens placed by your door, not one not three not more. Cut ones hand and mark your door and windows with bloody runes. Burn a fish in offering to Thor. End the night in a drunken stupor after a metal show and call in sick the next morning.

These are the rites of Leif Erikson's day.